Hello
This is my first post, so please be gentle with me!
I am married to an alcoholic who is verbally abusive most days. He occasionally (rarely) opens up and admits he has a problem, though most of the time he goes out early in the morning, hits the pub about lunchtime and drinks steadily until he goes to bed [often before the children!].
If he keeps out of the way we can cope [though it is no marriage - I might as well be a single parent, as he 'doesn't do children' & 'doesn't do responsibilities']. But if he deigns to spend time with us, eg eat an evening meal with us, it is a constant barrage of insults ['you eat like heathens', 'you are all so boring', 'you're a complete waste of space' etc etc].
Tonight's outburst was how his Christmas wish list included a Widower's Pension, with constant demands that I just 'drop dead' [not the most sensitive of remarks when my first husband, father of my older son and daughter (who were in hearing at the time of the comment) did just that at 48 when they were both less than 6 years old!].
When he is fairly sober (usually in the mornings) he can be a lovely person - which is basically (along with our young son) what keeps me in the relationship.
Someone mentioned NLP to me, in that it could help him to overcome his dependency.
Could it also help us to cope with him, too?
I'm sure that my attitude doesn't help the situation - I'm not one to sit quietly and take the c**p he spouts. Would NLP show me how to deal with his verbal abuse? Or is there some other therapy that would be more appropriate? I just need to understand why he is the way he is and how best to deal with him and his outbursts.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling, but hope someone out there can get the gist of my plea?
She
RE: NLP - helpful 4 alcoholics & their families?
Hello SheBe and first of all my sympatahies for your predicament. I do think NLP would be helpful - but you need to find a practitioner. In the meantime - or even instead of - have a look at Emotional Freedom Tapping (EFT) on . You can do it yourself. If you want further help on this just ask on this forum. There are a few threads about it you can look at.
Enjoy your mornings,
Best wishes to you
Sharonx
RE: NLP - helpful 4 alcoholics & their families?
Hello Sharonx - and thankyou for your response.
How do I go about finding an NLP practitioner?
I have downloaded the EFT manual & will make some time to read it and give it a go.
I'm not unhappy in myself - obviously disappointed that my marriage is not the partnership I'd hoped for, and that I'd experienced first time around, and concerned that life is passing my husband by [you only get one, it's not a dress rehearsal as I learned tragically] and he is missing the 'pleasures' of having a family. Our son is not yet 6 and he spends little time with him (refuses to go to his school functions/parent-teacher consultations, doesn't get involved in his reading/spelling tests/homework projects claiming he doesn't have his reading glasses though they are only in his car). It's a fascinating stage in our son's life and my husband is cutting himself off from it - it will never happen again.
I'm financially independent - have my own home & job so not reliant on his support (which is just as well as I get very little). As a friend said to me "he's just a lodger" - but it's more like a squatter - "you'd be better off if he left" - but the only difference would be that I would be on my own then. At least at the moment, he is there (and our son is happy for him to be around) - I'm grateful for the little pieces of a husband/father that we can get - so long as I can minimise the unwanted elements!
I suppose what I'm really looking for is someone who can advise me as to how to inter-react with an alcoholic. I've been told about the family section of AA but, due to my husbands volatility, I'm not able to go out to attend meetings - an on-line Forum such as this is much better for me - I can get on at times when he is in the pub or in bed and have the security of knowing he can't read my postings or overhear my telephone conversations [the most innocent of which resulted in a physical assault on one occasion].
From my own observations it is obvious that the alcohol affects his brain. I believe [or is it a desperately hope!?] that the cruel taunts and jibes erupting from his mouth are not the 'real' person but just the alcohol effect. Unfortunately I also have this feeling that the more alcohol he consumes, the more 'permanent' the effects are likely to be. And if his brain is 'damaged' how is he ever going to be aware of the dreadful effects of his drinking - and how do I communicate with him when he doesn't have the 'normal' mental functions/reactions etc that I know how to deal with?
Would I be better posting on the Addictions Forum for advice such as this?
Regards
She