Hi Amy have you found this works for you?
Hi Amy have you found this works for you?
More than works for me. I have a positive mindset hardwired into me now for over 3 decades so I live it and practise mindfulness, e.g. am alert/aware of how I think and interact with others and try to take something positive from that which is potentially negative. (I had a major transformation back at that time).
How about you? Have you tried any of the tips?
Hi Amy, I don't know what drew me back to this post but after re-reading some of the pointers I just find it so frustrating that life just isn't that easy, for instance what happens when these things just aren't possible.
Surround yourself with positive people.
I called a friend who I knew could give me constructive, yet loving feedback. When you’re stuck in a negative spiral, talk to people who can put things into perspective and won’t feed your negative thinking.
5. Don’t play the victim. You create your life—take responsibility.
The way I was thinking and acting, you would think [url]I was stuck[/url]. Even if our living situation becomes unbearable, there is always a way out. I will always have the choice to make change happen, if need be.
Hi Amy, I don't know what drew me back to this post but after re-reading some of the pointers I just find it so frustrating that life just isn't that easy, for instance what happens when these things just aren't possible.
Surround yourself with positive people.
I called a friend who I knew could give me constructive, yet loving feedback. When you’re stuck in a negative spiral, talk to people who can put things into perspective and won’t feed your negative thinking.5. Don’t play the victim. You create your life—take responsibility.
The way I was thinking and acting, you would think [url]I was stuck[/url]. Even if our living situation becomes unbearable, there is always a way out. I will always have the choice to make change happen, if need be.
It would help if you could say what the specific problem is that you have with these.
Obviously we cannot always be surrounded by those positive people that we would choose to be with, however, we can cultivate friends who are supportive and disassociate ourselves with those who are clearly not (what I would call 'dead wood').
I don't have a victim's mentality. We can be in an oppressive situation but it requires our permission to feel oppressed, i.e. we can resist buying into that mindset. I say this with a lot of experience from being in a potentially victimised situation (i.e. 11 years of ongoing harrassment from a demented/obsessive neighbour). We may not be able to free ourselves from a certain situation, but we can choose how we react to it.
Hi Amy, My experiences in life isn't/hasn't been with just with one person, it has and still is with just about everyone I have met, we haven't just had one bad neighbour we have had at least 3, then awful work colleagues, bad experiences from a child, I think because of all my negative experiences, I continually try to offer kindness to people, thinking there must be some decent folk out there, it isn't working. It is now getting to the point where I feel I am surrounded by Aliens, all with a different mind-set. Over the past few months I have done as you said disassociate myself from these people, guess what, there is nobody left!!!!!!!
Hi Amy, My experiences in life isn't/hasn't been with just with one person, it has and still is with just about everyone I have met, we haven't just had one bad neighbour we have had at least 3, then awful work colleagues, bad experiences from a child, I think because of all my negative experiences, I continually try to offer kindness to people, thinking there must be some decent folk out there, it isn't working. It is now getting to the point where I feel I am surrounded by Aliens, all with a different mind-set. Over the past few months I have done as you said disassociate myself from these people, guess what, there is nobody left!!!!!!!
It may depend on how harshly you are appraising others. None of us are perfect so experienced negativity in others can be seen on a spectrum of tolerable to intolerable. It helps to understand why people are the way they are, I find, i.e. to make some allowances for this. Are you saying you have no supportive friends at all? Do you expect a high standard? How are others experiencing yourself, e.g. do they all say the same thing about you? This can give you insights.
Offering kindness can, in itself, be problematic. I speak as one who was a people pleaser and put others before myself (to my own detriment), i.e. became a doormat. With some people kindness is easily/quickly abused; it may require a certain discernment and seeing what might work best rather than being too giving perhaps.
What is seen as negative by one person may not be to another. Just as what a 'people pleaser' does in order to please another may not please them at all.
An example - 'Never give up hope' (which someone said to me recently) was seen by the speaker as positive and uplifting. To me it is trite and not at all what I believe. We are all different and I certainly would not exclude from my life all those with a different view point.
If we only are with those who make us feel comfortable, where is any chance to learn and expand?
What is seen as negative by one person may not be to another. Just as what a 'people pleaser' does in order to please another may not please them at all.
An example - 'Never give up hope' (which someone said to me recently) was seen by the speaker as positive and uplifting. To me it is trite and not at all what I believe. We are all different and I certainly would not exclude from my life all those with a different view point.
If we only are with those who make us feel comfortable, where is any chance to learn and expand?
Well certainly negativity can be seen as subjective....unless it is blatant, i.e. constant nagging/moaning. I would have thought that people who try to please others have done their homework and so know what the other wants to hear...unless you are talking about strangers.
Obviously there are some things that 'never give up hope' would be seen as ill-fitting, i.e. with a genetic disorder. However, it goes to the heart of much that we can change by changing how we interact in situations. It brings to mind this wonderful quote....
"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see" (Henry D. Thoreau)
Well certainly negativity can be seen as subjective....unless it is blatant, i.e. constant nagging/moaning. I would have thought that people who try to please others have done their homework and so know what the other wants to hear...unless you are talking about strangers.
Not strangers. If you are doing things that you know (because you've checked) that others need, then you're not a people pleaser. You're just an ordinary person. People pleasers do things to fulfil their own need to be needed. Therefore, whatever is done, is done for themselves, not for the person being 'helped'.
Obviously there are some things that 'never give up hope' would be seen as ill-fitting, i.e. with a genetic disorder. However, it goes to the heart of much that we can change by changing how we interact in situations. It brings to mind this wonderful quote....
"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see" (Henry D. Thoreau)
Despair can be numbing and paralysing. But so can hope. They are both ways of relating to things that we have no control over - and are, therefore, the opposite of taking control.
I have many friends (just to give an example) who are hoping that Jeremy Corbyn will win the Labour Party leadership and will magically transform that party into a left-wing organisation, which will, in turn, change the country into a more caring, sharing place. Nice idea. But as long as people are hoping that the political structure - which is designed to be self-replicating and to keep the status quo - is kept, it will never happen. Change has to come from the outside.
I've asked a few times on these pages why people (particularly those in the UK. Particularly this in England, in fact) don't get more upset/angry about things. TTIP, for example. I think the answer is that they hope things will get better - or, at least, no worse. As long as that hope exists, there is no need for action.
Despair can be numbing and paralysing. But so can hope. They are both ways of relating to things that we have no control over - and are, therefore, the opposite of taking control.
I have many friends (just to give an example) who are hoping that Jeremy Corbyn will win the Labour Party leadership and will magically transform that party into a left-wing organisation, which will, in turn, change the country into a more caring, sharing place. Nice idea. But as long as people are hoping that the political structure - which is designed to be self-replicating and to keep the status quo - is kept, it will never happen. Change has to come from the outside.
I've asked a few times on these pages why people (particularly those in the UK. Particularly this in England, in fact) don't get more upset/angry about things. TTIP, for example. I think the answer is that they hope things will get better - or, at least, no worse. As long as that hope exists, there is no need for action.
I don't see that having hope excludes wanting to also do something to bring about change. They are compatible, e.g. you can be proactive BECAUSE you feel it can make a difference, i.e. you have hope that this is possible. Hope seems to be a negative word to you, sadly.
I don't see that having hope excludes wanting to also do something to bring about change. They are compatible, e.g. you can be proactive BECAUSE you feel it can make a difference, i.e. you have hope that this is possible. Hope seems to be a negative word to you, sadly.
I don't think you stand a chance of understanding me, Amy.
I don't think you stand a chance of understanding me, Amy.
Not for want of trying Crowan! It is very unusual for hope to have a negative connotation.
Not for want of trying Crowan! It is very unusual for hope to have a negative connotation.
For you, maybe. To say:
Hope seems to be a negative word to you, sadly.
is to make huge assumptions about both my happiness and the simplicity of my thought processes. Particularly as I have said before that I do not see the world in terms of 'negative' and 'positive' - or, indeed, any other pairs of opposites.
For you, maybe. To say:
is to make huge assumptions about both my happiness and the simplicity of my thought processes. Particularly as I have said before that I do not see the world in terms of 'negative' and 'positive' - or, indeed, any other pairs of opposites.
To discern what an emotion is does not necessarily imply polarity/opposites. Hope is the expectation of something desired.....I guess the word 'expectation' can be seen as problematic.
What emotion? Okay - you've lost me.
Thanks!! I think each and everyone of us could use it every once in a while.
To discern what an emotion is does not necessarily imply polarity/opposites. Hope is the expectation of something desired.....I guess the word 'expectation' can be seen as problematic.
I maybe didn't make myself clear before - I don't understand this, particularly how it relates to what I wrote. Could you please explain?
I maybe didn't make myself clear before - I don't understand this, particularly how it relates to what I wrote. Could you please explain?
You were saying that you do not see the world in polar opposites, i.e. 'negative' 'positive'. Well neither do I! However, I can discern certain qualities in terms of various shades between black and white. I was trying to explain how an emotion does not have to be seen that way/in sharp contrast in order to recognise its quality. Many emotions are not either black or white but shades of grey.
Some might say hope is a concept but to have hope feels very much like an emotion to me. The definition "hope is the expectation of something desired" would seem to suggest it is a good thing since it embraces our desire. However, I was trying to see how it might appear to you and that the word 'expectation' is somewhat problematic. Indeed, I prefer not to have expectations in case I get let down. That said, to have hope can raise the spirit and give someone a goal, lift them out of the doldrums and enable them to make way for the possibility of that hope being realised. Such hope can truly be said to be positive.
Thank you.
You were saying that you do not see the world in polar opposites, i.e. 'negative' 'positive'. Well neither do I! However, I can discern certain qualities in terms of various shades between black and white. I was trying to explain how an emotion does not have to be seen that way/in sharp contrast in order to recognise its quality. Many emotions are not either black or white but shades of grey.
Actually, I recall you have said this before. But your very words show that you do see the world in polar opposites. All you are saying with 'shades of grey' is that there are things between these polar opposites. That is different from not seeing the world as made up of opposites in the first place.
I do not classify thoughts, emotions (or anything else other than electrical flow or numbers) as 'positive' or 'negative'. Or, indeed, as 'black' or 'white'.
Some might say hope is a concept but to have hope feels very much like an emotion to me. The definition "hope is the expectation of something desired" would seem to suggest it is a good thing since it embraces our desire. However, I was trying to see how it might appear to you and that the word 'expectation' is somewhat problematic. Indeed, I prefer not to have expectations in case I get let down. That said, to have hope can raise the spirit and give someone a goal, lift them out of the doldrums and enable them to make way for the possibility of that hope being realised. Such hope can truly be said to be positive.
One thing I really don't understand is why you try to see how something might appear to me. Isn't it easier to ask questions? But what I said was:
For you, maybe. To say:
is to make huge assumptions about both my happiness and the simplicity of my thought processes.
You are then trying to see how it might appear to me based on these assumptions. How complicated!
Crowan - I realise you don't see things in life as being polar opposites (and so shades of grey inbetween are rendered meaningless). However, I know you have strong opinions on certain issues so you must be able to discern the quality of things? Isn't this just another label for the same thing, i.e. in terms of what may be favourable and not favourable?
It's about not setting up dichotomies in the way I view things. Yes, I see some things as favourable - to me, in certain circumstances. It's all variable. Quality does not have to be this or that. Most perceived dichotomies are actually nothing of the sort. In your original post the writer gives a situation with her boyfriend: she is thinking about them living together and can view it (in her words) positively or negatively. But really she is deciding that these are her choices. She is limiting herself. This is preventing her from simply accepting what happens, or from weighing up perceived pros and cons, or from being open to something else happening entirely.
You had a conversation with Jeannie about surrounding yourself with 'positive people' - that it isn't always possible. You say that, although it is not always possible, you can rid yourself of 'dead wood'. I don't see people as 'positive' or 'negative' and so I don't classify the people I know as anything other than individuals. Some people - a few - I find tiring, since their way of being can irritate my way of being. (This afternoon, I visited a woman I know in the next village since it was her birthday. I find her very self-obsessed and she has very little interest in anyone else, including me. So being with her for a long time is tiring. So I stayed half an hour and made my excuses. She was happy ("I have friends who like me enough to visit me on my birthday") and I was happy ("I've only spent the time with her that I can cope with"). Now I could label her 'negative' and avoid her, but I don't. There's no need. People are just people. They behave the ways they do because of many reasons.
Look at point 2 in the list - the oft quoted notion that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Apart from the fact that this is highly debateable - there are 53 facial muscles and which are used when is somewhat arbitrary depending on individuals and depth of emotion - it's probably even easier to do neither. If ease is what you're after.
It's about not setting up dichotomies in the way I view things. Yes, I see some things as favourable - to me, in certain circumstances. It's all variable. Quality does not have to be this or that. Most perceived dichotomies are actually nothing of the sort. In your original post the writer gives a situation with her boyfriend: she is thinking about them living together and can view it (in her words) positively or negatively. But really she is deciding that these are her choices. She is limiting herself. This is preventing her from simply accepting what happens, or from weighing up perceived pros and cons, or from being open to something else happening entirely.
You had a conversation with Jeannie about surrounding yourself with 'positive people' - that it isn't always possible. You say that, although it is not always possible, you can rid yourself of 'dead wood'. I don't see people as 'positive' or 'negative' and so I don't classify the people I know as anything other than individuals. Some people - a few - I find tiring, since their way of being can irritate my way of being. (This afternoon, I visited a woman I know in the next village since it was her birthday. I find her very self-obsessed and she has very little interest in anyone else, including me. So being with her for a long time is tiring. So I stayed half an hour and made my excuses. She was happy ("I have friends who like me enough to visit me on my birthday") and I was happy ("I've only spent the time with her that I can cope with"). Now I could label her 'negative' and avoid her, but I don't. There's no need. People are just people. They behave the ways they do because of many reasons.
Look at point 2 in the list - the oft quoted notion that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Apart from the fact that this is highly debateable - there are 53 facial muscles and which are used when is somewhat arbitrary depending on individuals and depth of emotion - it's probably even easier to do neither. If ease is what you're after.
Of course people are individuals but they also have particular qualities...some things favourable (since you accept this term) others, maybe less so. You are just using a different criteria in my view for a similar analogy. You say you don't set up dichotomies yet use the phrase "she was happy"....happy is a dichotomy from unhappy! Do you not see that?
Of course people are individuals but they also have particular qualities...some things favourable (since you accept this term) others, maybe less so. You are just using a different criteria in my view for a similar analogy. You say you don't set up dichotomies yet use the phrase "she was happy"....happy is a dichotomy from unhappy! Do you not see that?
I’m sorry that I don’t seem to be explaining myself well enough for you to understand.
Of course there are opposites. We are around the same age so I guess you also remember those lists at primary school where we were given a word and had to give its opposite: up/down, in/out. And then they gave ‘interested’, which helped me to realise (although this was not the intention) that life simply isn’t that simple. (There were words on that list that I did not question at the time – male/female, for example, or intelligent/stupid. Now life, science and experience have shown me that these are not opposites, or even easily defined.)
But I am not either allotting ‘good’ and ‘bad’ to these opposites. Nor am I making myself rules to live by. Both these actions would limit my choices.
Look at where this started. ‘Positive’ and ‘negative’: if you accept these terms, then positive = good, negative = bad follows (I know it needn’t, but it seems to). I don’t equate happy with good or unhappy with bad. Nor do I think that I have to be one or the other, or somewhere in the middle. There are many ways of being where I am neither happy nor sad, or both.
This dichotomous thinking does not seem to be a natural way of being. It is absent in many cultures until one of the monotheistic religions starts to influence in a big way. Monotheistic religions can’t really get away from it – life is divided into what god wants and what god doesn’t want. And the monotheistic religions have spread this around the world.
One problem with dichotomous thinking is that it excludes all the other possibilities (I’m not saying that you personally do this, but many people do).
An aspect of this is that most dichotomies are false: emotion/logic, communism/capitalism. We are trained to think like this. It makes governments comfortable if we divide the world in ‘friends’ and ‘enemies’.
OK Crowan I understand you better now. I was trying to show you that, even WITH polarity concepts, it does not mean everything is seen in clear black or white, i.e. that there is a sliding scale of intensity/quality - shades of grey. So, for example, I may appraise a situation as being predominantly negative in its impact but concede that the situation is not totally all bad. As in, say, a party. It may have some redeeming aspects e.g. the food and some of the people, but if the music is continuously loud and thus prevents conversation that would be an overridingly negative aspect that would culminate in my deciding to leave (unless I could gravitate to the kitchen with some of those people!).
I understand the pitfalls of stark black and white thinking e.g. racists, ISIS, even orthodox religion e.g. christianity has been criticised for this (labelling people as going to hell unless they are christians). However, I think such bigoted thinking is an extreme and not the norm of those who recognise polarity.
I think we have probably reached as far as we can go on this matter. Thank you for clarifying what you meant.
Unfortunately the whole concept of negative and positive used in relation to thought is seriously flawed, every thought has the potential to set about creating or bringing an experience into being, it is not possible to negatively create something, so all thoughts are by nature positive.
If we consider the thought pattern 'I am not good enough', this is portrayed as a negative way of thinking or being, but the thought pattern will set about positively creating a life experience of low self esteem, so it can't be negative.
As we are all one, then through our conscious thoughts we invite other people to come along and help us to experience a life experience of low self esteem, they respond and do this so that we can know what it is to be 'not good enough', they are subsequently judged to be negative people that we need to get away from, but the reality is, if we change our thought patterns, these same people who put themselves out to help us to experience low self esteem, will also be happy to help us experience other ways of being in a positive manner, things are seldom the way they are portrayed to be in the cold light of reality. 😉
Unfortunately the whole concept of negative and positive used in relation to thought is seriously flawed, every thought has the potential to set about creating or bringing an experience into being, it is not possible to negatively create something, so all thoughts are by nature positive.
If we consider the thought pattern 'I am not good enough', this is portrayed as a negative way of thinking or being, but the thought pattern will set about positively creating a life experience of low self esteem, so it can't be negative.
As we are all one, then through our conscious thoughts we invite other people to come along and help us to experience a life experience of low self esteem, they respond and do this so that we can know what it is to be 'not good enough', they are subsequently judged to be negative people that we need to get away from, but the reality is, if we change our thought patterns, these same people who put themselves out to help us to experience low self esteem, will also be happy to help us experience other ways of being in a positive manner, things are seldom the way they are portrayed to be in the cold light of reality. 😉
Well that's one take on it! 😉
If a person thinks that they are not good enough, this will only generate a positive outcome IF they choose to explore why and so heal from this.
The more likelihood/common scenario though (from such a mindset) is that others are not so much seen negatively but as reinforcing that sense of self worth, i.e. that it further compounds and damages the delicate sense of self. (For instance, if that person doesn't have much self respect then they are likely to act in ways that are shoddy and so gain disapproval which further confirms what they think of themselves). It is seen everywhere by those who are in self-destruct mode; they reject those that try and help (i.e. those who are positive minded) and either don't believe how they could be otherwise or are not ready/don't want to change.
I have a natural aptitude in helping others and enjoy doing so, however, I can very readily distinguish those that are genuinely looking to solve their situation from those who have a vested interest in remaining as they are because it serves their purpose - notably to get attention and feed their self pity. The latter seem to be the norm. I am sure you must have come across this too.
Hi Amy
That only applies if we choose to judge someone who has chosen to experience low self esteem (as an aspect of their life experience) as being in a negative way of being. If we consider that all chosen ways of being can only be created in a positive manner, then low self esteem is created and maintained in the exactly the same as any other way of being. 🙂
Hi Amy
That only applies if we choose to judge someone who has chosen to experience low self esteem (as an aspect of their life experience) as being in a negative way of being. If we consider that all chosen ways of being can only be created in a positive manner, then low self esteem is created and maintained in the exactly the same as any other way of being. 🙂
Yes I understood what you were saying, however, I was assessing it from the angle of the person concerned, i.e. how would having low self esteem be experienced for them. I have given my answer to that. I am a realist so more interested in actualities rather than concepts/belief strategies.
Yes I understood what you were saying, however, I was assessing it from the angle of the person concerned, i.e. how would having low self esteem be experienced for them. I have given my answer to that. I am a realist so more interested in actualities rather than concepts/belief strategies.
Not really Amy, we cannot asses how someone else will perceive something unless we have a good understanding of their own personal underlying thought patterns and beliefs, the reality is that we are all different in this manner; the best we can hope to do in that way is to remember how we personally chose to feel in a similar situation that we have experienced and apply self to them!
If we are to deal with the reality and actualities of what is, then the facts are quite simply that everyone has the ability and the right to experience low self esteem and anything else they might choose to experience for themselves, simply by setting about in a positive manner to create it.