Not sure I believe I'm doing this but here goes anyway.
I have a problem with my niece. It started when I told her off for going out (to a party and to church) when her mother had swine flu and she was told they should be quarantined. I'm not sure she forgives me for the fact that, having told me she didn't have it because it was 4 days after her mother had contracted it, she came down with it the next day. (I think you can all tell from this that she's a teenager. Nearly 17 in fact).
Anyway, we were chatting on Facebook today (the first time since the swine flu incident) and she said a couple of things which I decided I'd read funny because they were ambiguous. I just assumed it was one of those "sounded bad because they weren't saying it in front of you" things, IFKWIM.
Unfortunately, she then got really vicious. My boys both go to boarding school, one through his choice and one because it's a special needs school. We were talking about how the boys can cook and then I said that I had to go as I needed to get the laundry in off the line. She replied that they boys should get off their backsides and help and I said that no, it was ok because they'd already fed the chickens, collected eggs, tidied their rooms and picked apples for me. At which point she said, "well that's the thing about boarding school. It turns them into robots". And then launched into a vicious attack on me personally, including two nasty things, being "I bet you can't wait to get rid of them when they go back to school" and "that's what happens when you shove them out to boarding school the first chance you get".
I'm sure its partly just teenage stroppiness but I really think the viciousness is taking that too far. She tells everyone what a deeply committed Christian she is but the only thing Christian about her is that she believes in God and salvation through Jesus Christ. I always considered Christianity to be a way of life and she's not "walking the walk". I'm Pagan, but I know a fair bit about Christianity. Enough to know that taking communion isnt something you should be doing if you're not living your life through God and Jesus and attoning for your sins.
Is there anything I can do to help her? Her personality has really changed since she joined the Salvation Army and she considers her family to be second (at best) to them, going out of her way to help members of the SA whereas when her mother was at home with her arm in plaster, she joined in with taking the mickey out of her for the way she washed up with one hand. Helping wasn't an option.
Sorry. I'm really rambling now. So I'll stop. But if anyone can make sense of this and shed some light on it for me I'd be really grateful. Because as much as I love my niece, I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I don't like her, which is horrific when you consider that I believe family is the most important thing in the world.
With love and thanks
Hi Ismorgan
Remember that when someone has a go at you like that they are not talking about you but what they don't like about themselves. Sounds like she gave plenty away !
If it were me I would try and keep the energy passing between you and her postive by focusing on all the things you like about her - even if it is what she is wearing !
I also guess that it's a big positive that she has joined the SA - as there are many other less desirable options out there for a 17 year old.
She's basicaly saying 'I'm hurting' - I wish you all the best trying to get to the bottem of it, we Aunties have certain advantages in this department.
take care
Lov Lou xxx
In my experience, people lash out spitefully, as your niece is doing, because they've been hurt themselves. It sounds as if she is jealous of your boys and your family set-up. If she is putting the SA before her family, it sounds as though her needs are not being met at home so she is looking for family elsewhere. How much do you really know about what is going on in her home, now or in the past? Don't take the nasty things she says to you to heart, remember she's still only a kid.
It sounds like she has some type of personality disorder brewing. Perhaps, she is helping others, for approval and doesn't feel the need to help out at home. I am not sure if am explaining this right. Her family will love her no matter what, so she can choose to help them last. You know the saying that you always hurt the ones you love.
It does sound like she is unhappy. However, as OP said that its good that she is helping with the SA. This should help her self-esteem.
Can you talk to one of her parents to find out what is going with her?
I think the answer is simple...She is sixteen going on seventeen. It is a fact of life that many young people (I would like to stress the word MANY as I am not having a go at young people in general)
Many young people Lynne, whether we like it or not, are horrible around the age of sixteen. The transition from child to adult is not easy, and some people handle it better than others.
I can guarantee you this...fast forward five or six years and your niece will be a great friend to you. Instead of analysing all the unfair things she is saying about you at the moment, take comfort from the fact that it is not personal, she will be treating other people in the same way.
The Salvation Army is her baby at the moment so they can do no wrong, as it is new to her, unlike her family who she takes for granted.
Take heart, this is only temporary. I remember when I was sixteen and I was very selfish, I could cringe now when I think about it.
She may be a caterpillar now but believe me, she will emerge as a butterfly when the time is right, then you will both be good friends for the rest of your lives.
Love
Angela xxx