I'm sorry to have to do this to all of you lovely HPers. This is so funny, it's going to hurt - if symptoms persist, seek medical advice......
Twenty One One Liners:
Whenever my doctor hands me a lollipop I like to believe it's because he is in a grudge match against my dentist.
Periwinkle Jones
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... then it hit me.
Stewart Francis
I want to write a mystery novel...or do I?
Stewart Francis
I saw that show, 50 things to do before you die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'shout for help'.
Jimmy Carr
When I was six, my family moved to a new city. Fortunately I was able to track them down.
Emo Phillips
Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Stewart Francis
I think when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behaviour for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops you're saying, "Hope I don't get chased today".
Periwinkle Jones
You know that thing when you're halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was"?
Tim Vine
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin – I poked a badger with a spoon.
Eddie Izzard
I never got along with my dad. Kids at school would say, "my dad can beat up your dad!" I'd go "When?"
Bill Hicks
Velcro: what a rip-off
Tim Vine
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin
I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
Garry Shanding
You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine' so that was nice.
Tim Vine
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
Jimmy Carr
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.
Milton Jones
I was reading this book, the history of glue. I couldn't put it down.
Tim Vine
The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
~ Told you 😉
- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later)
- Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was a plumber
- Hard work never killed anyone....but why take a risk?
- I was an Atheist, until I realised I was God.
- Doctor tells a man "you've got hypochondria"; man says "not that as well!"
- Sceptics may or may not rule, O.K?
- If you talk to God you're praying - if he talks back you're schizophrenic
- When you wake up in the morning SMILE, and get it over with (W.C.Fields)
- I wouldn't say he's emotional, but he cries if a traffic light is against him
- How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's the system that needs changing!
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has got to WANT to change...
Famous last words
- "what does this button do?"
- "nice doggie...."
- "pull the pin and count to what?"
- "don't be so superstitious"
- "now watch this!"
haha some of those were pretty funny actually
Some were kinda lame though 😛
[COLOR="Purple"]Stewart Francis (Canadian stand up...very dry delivery) 😉
"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."
"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."
"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"
"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"
"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"
"Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..."
[COLOR="Green"](More of a witty one-liner than an actual joke)
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
(Oscar Wilde)
Some Tim Vine one-liners:-
- I'm a paranoid dyslexic. I have a feeling everyone is out to met gee.
- I said to the doctor "I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me." He replied "hold on a minute.....hey lads he's in here!"
- I went to the doctors. He said "you've got hyprochondria." I said "Oh no not that as well!"
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't make Tuesdays."
- "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I replied "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
- "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen,
it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
- So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I asked "Why?" He replied "My dog's died."
I love Jewish humour so.....
- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
- Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
- Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
- What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
"He said I'm obsessed with cats....he's packed my bags and kicking meeowwtt!" 🙂
Alcohol is just God's way of saying "sorry....I know life's crap - have some wine!
(Jack Dee)
I'm not saying he has delusions of grandeur but if you say "what a beautiful day" he replies "Thank you!"
[LIST=1]
bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
A termite walks into a New York drinking establishment and asks 'Is the bar tender here?'
We get a better class of mugger in our neighbourhood.
After they mug you, they lay you in the recovery position.
Overheard...
"I have OCD and ADD. Everything has to be perfect - but not for long!"
"Hallo, this is the incontinence hotline - can you hold?" 
He only eats what falls from trees.....he is on a dead squirrel diet! 
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
A woman remarking on her dress to Groucho
"oh, this dress? Just something I threw on"
"Yeah, you almost missed!" 
"Doctor, doctor - I keep losing my memory"
"I see. When did this first happen?"
"When did what first happen?" 
On getting older...."do I look 55?" "Not anymore" 
"I tried to blow out the candles on the cake but the heat drove me back!" 
"Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a piglet!"
"Hmmm....how long have you felt like this?"
"About a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk!"
In New York someone gets mugged every 3 minutes...and he's getting pretty fed up with it!
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
When playing charades....
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? .......single!