Mrs Cameron's Diary. Diary excerpts of the PM's wife, as seen by Catherine Bennett.

A few leaked pages from [url]the diary of Mrs Cameron[/url], the prime minister's wife:

Tuesday 21 May 2013:

[url]Why has Google's Eric Schmidt brought this awful smell with him?[/url]

Well it is SO stressful-making, everyone is nervous & Eric Schmidt has practically moved in & on top of everything there is this awful smell of rotten eggs? I'm like Dave, please ask Jo Johnson to DO something & Dave just goes chill babes, Eric and I are beyond relaxed, just open the window? I'm like, listen up, this is serious, I know Ocado promise never to mix up Morrisons and Waitrose orders but Mummy says how do they actually KNOW the Waitrose stuff will not be contaminated, I mean they said that about horsemeat right? It is like hearing Johnnie Boden is going to change to, I don't know, Johnnie Poundland, except without Boden you would still have Zara & Whistles & even tragic Jigsaw, whatever, but after Waitrose literally what is left?

So Dave says Jo will get on to that as soon as he is done with Operation Wingnut, as in poor Feldperson says the freaktards are STILL in a total bate even though he definitely remembers saying "no offence" before the loon part, as in sense of humour failure, much? And Jo has written this genius letter basically saying soz losers, lusms you for ever, and if that does not work we are going to buy them sweets? And Dave and Eric want After Eights but Oik says his local loonery practically live on Celebrations & personally I thought some darling mini-Haribos might work but Craig says they look gay so we are going to do one Ferrero Rocher per home counties loon and a Werther's Original everywhere else, Jo remembers this vintagey ad where they go "I felt like someone very special" #mentalistgold. Dave's like hell yeah, suck on THAT, Farridge.

So then Schmidty suddenly reappears *retches, opens window* which I would not particularly mind except when Schmidty sees any cameras he is always so shy, going quick unlock the back door? I'm like Eric, if there is something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you should not be doing it in the first place? But Dave's like, babes, trust me, it is part of our special pact that nobody will ever know about me and Schmidty, especially not Starbucks or Jimmy Carr and btw Eric says will you stop saying OMG, I'm like WTF?

As seen by Catherine Bennett

Tuesday 7 May 2013:

[url]Even for a Johnson, Jo is terrifyingly clever[/url]

Well even for a Johnson, Jo is SO terrifyingly clever? I mean Dave is right, even if he had never been on How to Spend It, everyone says he was the most brilliant spa correspondent EVER, Jo would defo be the most talented person for the job eg last week I was in this like, major dilemma, I was like Jo, please I desperately need your advice, is it going to be totally no tights from now on & be completely honest are my legs too pale? So he frowned really hard, it was like the amaze Michelangelo statue I swear you could FEEL him thinking, then he was like, hmmm, though the weather might appear propitious it is not risk-free thus all indicators suggest what economists call "an emergency pair", concealed within a traditional "handbag", but ratings might be enhanced if you were to "rock" some appropriate hosiery for the Queen's speech, Wolford's Luxe 9 have a record of performing well regardless of the colour of your legs which can, I take it, be darkened by artificial means in conformity with prevailing "fash" conditions?

I was like wow & Dave was like, babes, that is nothing, within 10 days Jo has had more ideas than the Hiltonator did in 10 years, it is literally like having Stephen Hawking on the staff if Hawking had been a Buller, you do not come up with policies like Jo's unless you have lived a little. I'm like OK, what, and Dave is like, you mean pardon, so I'm like what policies and Dave says Jo has done this linguistic analysis of Farage, seriously brainiac, and if we all start saying pardon, serviette and just fancy he thinks we could still win?

I'm like *lies through teeth* fine, but do not ask me to say toilet, Dave was like, chill babes, I think friend Haguey will confess that he knew little else ooop North, anyway Farage says little boys' room. I'm like, but are you sure that is noov enough to work, look at Miliband, Dave is like, why do you think I brought in poor old Lockwood, Jo said if you can't find anyone from Dulwich College, everybody knows St Paul's is almost as hideously embarrassing, look at Oik 🙂

As seen by Catherine Bennett

Wednesday 27 March 2013

[url]Who knew Marxism was on trend?[/url]

So Monday was the first meeting of Govey's Un-English Activities Committee & Dave says it was actually SO fun, as in quite like Bullers but way more exciting because as well as hunting communists they get to do blacklisting and fighting this thing called the blob like in Slime City but Marxist *shudders with actual fear*. And Govey has barred women ministers in case of feminist subversion *looks around nervously* but I am going to run *blushes* this awesome fash-monitoring sub-committee to keep tabs on Vivienne Westwood, plus Govey wants to question Cara Delevingne, she could be signalling to Moscow Central with those eyebrows? I'm like God, who knew Marxism was on trend there was nothing in fashion week, Govey is like, that is EXACTLY what the blob wants you to think, when will you realise the whole platform trend was a Russian plot to make our women's legs look fat? And when Mr Cobber went Jeez what effing crap, Govey was like, permit me to remind you Lynton, history teaches us to fear above all the enemies from within?

Well apparently Govey can tell just by looking who is a Muscovite puppet as in he totally knew Letwinsky (!) was communist but nobody believed him until he drugged Dave with these like SLEEPING pills & ran to the Milibands for asylum, the filthy traitor Govey says. And Govey says to watch out for Theresa, those kitten heels contain deadly poison, and be careful around arty types, history tells us Hollywood's biggest names were red fascists? I said well I can personally vouch for Helena Bonham Carter, Govey was like, fine, yet history teaches us that those born with silver spoons are the most traitorous *quickly puts on non-silver-spoon face*.

Then Govey came to check under our bed and Mr Cobber ran in, Govey was like aargh beware the blob, the blob has broken cover and Mr Cobber went quickly prime minister sign here & Dave signed & these men brought a stretcher & gave Govey this injection, I was like God who will tell poor Sarah, but Mr Cobber was like, you have got to be freaking kidding me Sabrina, it was his missus called me in, the guy had put her name on his list?

As seen by Catherine Bennett