Lets give this a try - we'll make a virtual soap. I'll start things off, and you can feel free to add to the storyline etc. Its just a bit of fun, but try and take it seriously aswell. The soap is to be fun and bizarre things can happen, but it must also be approachable, so not too many UFO'S and the like.
So, lets go.
The story is set in the fictional area of Strawberry Hill Village. There is a church, a post office, as well as an empty shop next door to the post office. The nearest town is a 20 minute drive.
The residents:
The Cromwells at number one: Judith and her sister Edith are fanatic christians, and are always at the church, reading the bible, organising days out for the children and picnics. Edith works part time at the post office. However, they harbour a secret. They aren't really sisters. Judith and Edith are lesbians.
The Broons at number two: Theres gran broon, who is as fiesty at 70 as she was at 20. Never short of a funny one liner, and always getting into trouble and giving granpa broon a headache. She sees Edith and Judith as fuddy duddys. Their daughter Amanda lives with them, she is 34 and her husband, the local baker is 38. Richard, the baker, has a high cholestral problem. Richard has a daughter from a previous marriage, Collette is 19 and very blonde and beautiful.
The Warriors at number three: Is actually a student house. Its owned by one of the lads fathers who has just gone travelling, and the 3 boys who are 18, 25, and 31 live there for the cheap rent, getting the early bus to university.
Number four is currently for sale
The Ashmonds at number five: Live in a large property, with cobwebs and creaky floor boards. but thats how they like it, This weird family are similar to the Addams family, but not as far fetched.
there is a farm with 4 people living on it
and finally, The Harpers at number six: Business man Jack Harper comes here at the weekends with his mistress. Little do the other residents know, Jack is very rich and drawing up plans to take over Strawberry Hill Village to turn it into a health farm retreat and stables.
Lower Field was part of Flora Bundle's vegan farm. Having bought the farm to liberate the animals, he put his inventive mind to work and came up with some novel ideas to occupy the livestock. He had noticed that some of the pigs were interested in martial arts, particularly in Chi Kung, short form, but others were into wrestling and had enquired if they could take part in the Strawberry Hill annual wrestling competition. As he watched his pigs wrestle their village challengers to the ground, Flora pulled his cardy a bit tighter to his huge chest, and stroked his stubble. A glow of pride warmed his huge thighs. There was no way Jason was going to win this one, despite the entire village cheering him on.
Oh how lots can happen in a little hamlet in Strawberry Hill in such a short space of time.
Remember no.4 is up for sale.
well the agent has a few prospective buyers lined up, but carefully keeping shhhhtum about being next door to the born again Addamms family type, the mysterious death, the celebrity visitation from Gok, the gay lovers (whos bovvered anyway)and the yearly visitation by Hpers to the local farmers field, and the prospective "secret " takeover bid by the entrepreneur. What a challenge he had.
Couple one, foster carers who adored children and whose specialist areas were the love and care of troubled teenagers. The rural aspect delighted them and thought a getaway from it all, grow your own lifestyle was just the ticket to help these youngsters on their way.
Couple two, Barry and Garry, wanted to rip all the character out of the house and put their own stamp on it, very mod and stainless steel, willing to commute to the big city. Eco friendly.........not.
Couple Three.Mildred and George. Pumping all their life savings into their little cottage.
Person four......Sue............a hairy chested motorbiker chap (his mother was a Johhny Cash fan) who wanted a dove coupe in the back garden!!!
Will any of these fit..........will Snakey Sid the agent clinch a deal.....?
hehehehehe:rollaugh::rollaugh::rollaugh::rollaugh:
hehehehehe:rollaugh::rollaugh::rollaugh::rollaugh:
My sentiments, exactly! I just found this thread today. I love it! :rollaugh::rollaugh:
Sorry to interrupt ... now back to our story ...
and just to "butt in", sorry I can't contribute, you are all sooo good, This is so funny and well done to everyone for the great new HP Soap, really enjoying it and can't wait to read the next episode!!!
and just to "butt in", sorry I can't contribute, you are sooo good, This is so funny and well done.
My sentiments, exactly! I love it! :rollaugh::rollaugh:
Sorry to interrupt ... now back to our story ...
Exclaimed the little group of appreciative villagers. Some had found the pig wrestling a little bit on the aggresive side and so sat around a little fire in an upturned dustbin lid and listened to Oakey tell them the story about Old Jack Frost and the Battle between the Oak King and the Holly King. A good evening was had by all.
hehehehehe:rollaugh::rollaugh::rollaugh::rollaugh:
………………cackled snaky Sid, as he fiddled with his belly button (an old childhood habit when he felt pleased with himself). The evening before he had made a mint betting on Flora’s Chi Kung Pigs! He knew that Jason was a trooper and had a very accomplished self belief system in place but he was no match for the killer swines and their chopping trotters. This was a bit unfair really as Jason had expected a wrestling match and not the hand to hand combat that confronted him.
Jason had turned up in his mewashi and toe-thong sandals, he had also hired a Tokoyama to give him an authentic top knot for his debut. This was all something quite spectacular and encouraged great cheering from the crowd.
Jason had been debating whether to rent the vacant shop next to the Post Office and open his own countryside Sumo School with a Ski shop in the back as this was his other love. He now knew where his destiny lie and he would visit Sid in the morning.
Sid had only to decide who to sell no:4 to. He knew it really didn’t make any difference to him as he was going to cut and run once the deal was done and monies had been exchanged. Jack Harper had made him an offer he couldn’t really refuse, the deal was to sell the house to Jack under the pseudonym of Sue, a very hairy biker with ‘fowl’ issues. But Sid wasn’t the owner of the very successful Agents of Realty and Supreme Estates;) for nothing and had already taken Jack’s money but was also going to sell the house to one of the other prospective buyers too and would make his exit once their money was in his personal Swiss Bank Account alongside Jack’s £750,000.
But who should he make the deal with? He pondered a moment and then took his mobile phone off the charging stand and dialed...........
meanwhile
back to amourous Amanda. A pregnancy test was needed .........and did she know who would be named father on a prospective birth certificate...........not on your nelly.
She had also heard the rumours of some weirdo who strutted about with green and blue feathers who had "predicted" the comeback of Stanley.....with a vengeance it seemed. But stanley was dead and that was that.................reincarnation??????? Bahhh humbug.
off to the chemist for a pregnancy kit......................she had also heard that there was a hairy biker about, a bird fancier of sorts it seemed.......now did he like buxom blondes..........only one way to find out..........on the way back from the chemist she would call at the estate agents. After all, why should a hunky biker be denied her charms..................
Gran and Granpa Broon were enjoying a morning walk around the local country ramblers walk, they did this about once a month. The scenery was breathtaking with sweeping green hillsides, blackberry hedges and wild sown bluebells. They followed the path at a leisurely pace enjoying tin salmon sandwiches as they went.
“D’you enjoy the pigs last night Granpa?” Gran enquired whilst trying to catch a stray bit of salmon on her chin with her tongue.
“Great bit a fighting by that Jason lad!” he replied.
“Shame no one told ‘im he had entered the martial arts paddock instead of the wrestling paddock.” Gran said chuckling to herself.
They continued their walk talking about the previous day’s events. They came to the edge of Fiddlers Forest. As they stepped over the fallen branch of an old fir tree they heard a muffled voice. They glanced at each other and stopped to try and make out what was being said.
“Ow, that hurt” said the voice. “I was only pulling it slowly. Now look at this stuff all over my hand. Where’s a tissue?”
Gran and Granpa Broon looked at each other and started to cough loudly, they knew only too well that many villagers had been conceived in the forest.
“Shhhh….Shhhhhh….Shhhhhhh!!!!” said a disgruntled voice coming out of the bushes. A rather bulbous nosed, small in stature fellow came through waving his hands angrily above his head. In his right hand he waved a very modern camera with a telescopic zoom. “Shhhh, please,” he said in a crackly little voice. “I am trying to capture the forest folk on film; it’s a hobby of mine. I had to pull a rather large branch out of the way but it snapped back and hit me on my hand and now I have tree sap everywhere and a sore wrist an’all!” Gran and Granpa didn’t buy the forest folk story and decided that this little fellow was a ‘whack in denial’ and so said their goodbyes and carried on their walk.
When they left the forest they joined a little country road. A 4x4 pulled up next to them. “You lost again Darren?” Gran enquired to the driver.
“Yeah, this bl**dy sat-nav is cr*p”. Darren said as he gave his sat-nav an annoyed thump with his fist.
Granpa gave directions “Turn right at the crossroads just down ere, stay on that road for say 15 minutes then turn left and the motorway’s signposted from there, easy really.”
Darren thanked them and set off on his way.
They continued their walk and turned left at the crossroads. As they neared Strawberry Hill a 4x4 approached, they raised their hands in acknowledgment and smiled, Darren smiled back rather embarrassed and hit his sat-nav again for good measure as he passed.
In the main street of Strawberry Hill, a crowd had gathered eagerly awaiting the annual Strawberry Hill Carnival Float Fest. The tractors, horses, cars and elephants pulled the colourful and elaborately designed floats……………………..
when who should they see but Amanda and the hairy biker who was called Neville on the top of a pink cadillac, doing things that children should definitly not see.
Let alone Amanda's poor husband Richard....
……..but while all this was going, Father O’Neill was mulling over his options. The Hindu Temple represented a threat to his dreams of spiritual domination of the village. He settled into his armchair,:cool-smiley-027: and put his legs up on his desk, noticing for the first time with some irritation that although Granny Broon had done a great job of painting his toenails, she had forgotten to wax the hairs on his toes. Bother. His mind wandered over the state of the village’s spiritual health: although he knew there were various Eastern and mystic wifty wafty jiggery pokery reikichi going on, he planned to bring them round to the Bishop of Rome’s outfit, and save all their immortal souls.
And now this Hindu crew, who had floated in on a golden temple with an elephant and a Vulcan, needed seeing off as quickly as possible. Aloysius O’Neill’s mind wandered around the Hindu’s panoply of chimeric deities, never dreamt of in Aramaic philosophies. Monkey gods, elephant gods, fish gods, tortoise gods. ….. Mind you, he thought, and a doubt crept in, the Holy See had recently pronounced on the human-animal embryos which genetic scientists were threatening to produce. His boss, the Bishop of Greater Frotting-under-the-Water had said that these souls were of as much value to God from conception as anyone elses, which was a terribly confusing thing to say ........
What was he thinking? Father O'Neill was getting very tired……..he needed sleep:sleep:………to sleep perchance to dream…….. Ah yes, dreams and philosophy………:Hamlet …….what was it he said? Alas Poor Yorick, I knew him Horatio? A fellow of infinite jest....... His gaze dropped to the old HP carpet, where an old thread led to a locked cupboard in the corner of the room.
“YORICK. That’s IT.”, whooped Father O’Neill.
A long time ago, back when HP was a different colour, in the reign of an evil witch-queen, a couple of HP members in a time of great trauma had locked 31 crystal skulls, including Yorick:037: in the cupboard and left them there. Now, decided Father O’Neill, NOW was the time to unleash their power! He knew it was not strictly conventional. He didn’t care. When the door refused to open, he attacked it with his golden rod, and broke it down. The air buzzed with raw energy as the emancipated crystal skulls started to fly around his head.
? Only 29, the Holy Father had never entered into hostilities with another religious denomination before. But no-one would have guessed he wasn’t an experienced Crusader as he got changed into his best ecumenical gear. He usually favoured a purple surplice, but today chose a tartan version which had a special hole sewed in to display his nipple ring. .He cast aside his Manola Blahnik stilletoes as being completely unsuitable for conflict and pulled on his two inch heeled tartan original zip boots. He shook his long red hair around his shoulders and grabbed his golden rod, giving it one last lingering stroke before he stepped out of the doors of The Priory Church for All Modern Day Sinners.
And he bellowed “FREEDOM” s he ran down the hill, the thirty one crystal skulls buzzing around his head.
He skipped over the worn out body of Jason, who was sobbing because he’d just realised he shouldn’t have been wrestling pigs, but stealing golden fleeces from sleeping dragons. :sleep:
But lets leave sleeping dragons lie as we follow Father O’Neill, all tartan vestments and golden rods, and crystal skulls, virtually flying down the hill:dogrun: with such energy he nearly knocked over Admin Mike who was juggling asterisks and Fs and Us and Cs and Ks.
But lets leave Admin Mike scrabbling on the ground for the Ss and Hs and Is and Ts he’s stolen from us to bowdlerise our posts, and run :dogrun:after Father Aloysius O’Neill in all his glory with the thirty one crystal skulls, all different minerals, all buzzing with their different primeval energetic frequencies, as he quotes Shakespeare “Once more into the breach dear friends, once more”, and ignore those catcalls from Conspiracy Corner.
“It wasn’t Shakespeare you know, he was an ill-educated lout. It was Middleton.”
“No, It was the Earl of Southampton”
“Oh no, it was definitely Bacon.!”
Let’s tell them to oh just shut up as we catch up with Father Aloysius O’Neill who is all of 5’6” in his heels as he arrives, wild and sweating, dressed in ecumenical tartan, red hair flying, and with 31 skulls zinging around his head, at his destination.:dogrun:
But by the time he’d got down to the River Frotting, the Temple had floated off.
You could tell he felt a bit silly.:(.
Back in the village the carnival was well under way.
The villagers remarked to each other as Amanda’s ‘Hairy Riders’ float in aid of ‘Veteran Harley Davidson Lovers Charity' went by. They wondered where all these hairy bikers had come from. They had heard of the mysterious ‘Sue’ who was interested in buying no:4 but no one had ever set eyes on him (which was not surprising considering he wasn't real;)). The villagers were not the sort to poke fun at a big bloke with a sissy name like Sue because Flora the Herdsman wouldn’t have any of it. It was also surprising to the villagers how a lot of these hairy bikers seemed to have a fancy for anything with feathers.
Amanda lay across the bonnet of the Cadillac in her rubber chicken suite she had hired from the local fancy dress shop run by Mr. Giles Piles who had a penchant for latex and so had decided to take his love of rubber into business. She waved frantically at Gran and Granpa Broon as they returned from their walk.
Richard the Baker, Amanda’s husband just stood frozen in the crowd, mouth ajar, hand waving automatically as Amanda stood up on the bonnet in a surfing kind of motion waving at him. The all-too-trusting Richard had never really been witness to Amanda’s darker side and it was only in recent weeks that he had noticed that she had been spending a lot of time helping the local police force by using her psychic abilities to trace missing sheep and the culprits of fence bashing, which was becoming quite a problem in the county according to the local Oracle. But more surprising to Richard was this new found psychic ability that Amanda had acquired in the last 3 months, but who was he to question his adoring wife.
The procession continued. Next up was a small float being pulled by Nellie, she had fixed the harness to her shoulders and had the bit firmly between her teeth. On the float was Edith showing off her newly spray-tanned body (thanks to Gran Broon at 5am this morning) she wore only a thong and bikini top and rippled her muscles. Judith sat on a milking stool at the back off the float with her arms crossed in a huff as she wanted to display her bread-dollies but Edith and Nellie out voted her and the body-beautiful float won through. “This relationship is becoming a crowd” Judith thought.
Next to follow was the new-comer Jason and the Chi Kung Pigs float, but why the pigs were dressed in Dragon suites no one could fathom. He insisted on wearing his sumo attire and wowed the crowds with his reverse, derriere slapping hog roll.
Next came Father O’Neil although he didn’t have a float he did have a truly amazing outfit on. It reminded the villagers of that Scottish film, you know the one with Mel Brooks in, well someone like that anyway, he did look rather deflated though and so the villagers gave him a huge cheer as he passed. He nonchalantly put his hand up in thanks for their support.
Next up was a wonderful float covered in Gold and flowers being pulled by an elephant, Father O’Neil turned round to see what all the gasps in the crowd were about……………….
Just thought I would have a peep before off to work
tears are a rolling.................Cirrus...Spinal.. 
.
well thats strange, in all my 30 years of widrifery I have never come across anything like this, how exciting GlynisR thought. I shall ask for a second and third opinion from Nursenatural and enchantedhands.
Amanda was one of those lucky ones....6 months into the pregnancy and no-one could tell. Stomach flat as a board. GlynisR, the local midwife couldnt believe her eyes or ears and beckoned her buddies to come along and have a gander. Nursenatural, and enchantedhands all scanned Amandas abdomen with their third eye..........................
This bairn shall be born with the biggest eyes I have ever seen....................no wait......................not just eyes but wearing glasses...............and yet it speaks.................:031: I swear i can hear something. Lets call upon barraffy Undle............hes got the biggest ears around here and before you could blink psychic eye in stomped barraffy, ears an all.
Barraffy listened carefully to the speaking bairn.....................
well he said............this boy shall be born very soon and shall seek Karma payback Amanda, know what I mean? ;);)
Amanda woke from her powernap behind the Cadillac with Neville, the float fest had reached the upper field and the carnival was in full swing. She was startled by a little man in a red over coat snapping pictures of her belly, “Oi!! Get off will ya” she snapped pushing him away.
“Oh sorry fair maiden, let me introduce myself. I am Mr Undle of the Shire Woods, I only wanted to take a picture of the unborn forest folk that hides within your belly, it’s a hobby of mine” replied the little man with a coy toothy grin.
“B***er off, what forest folk in my belly are you going on about?” she demanded.
“The three kind lady folks over there asked for my opinion, as midwifery is another hobby of mine I thought it only polite to oblige.” Mr Undle said with great pride.
Amanda looked over to where Mr Undle pointed and saw the three ladies huddled together over what seemed to be a hot, bubbling mess-tin. Amanda thought she heard one of them whisper “Eye of stoat and toe of dog…..no, hang on a minute girls…… that ain’t right is it?”.
“Oh….god!” Amanda exclaimed. “Not them three witches again.” She turned to Mr Undle and said “Look, I am always getting trouble from them three. Hubble, bubble and all that jaz. So how about we…..” Amanda stopped mid sentence. When Mr Undle had turned to point at the three ladies his very shiny necklace fell out from under his blue t-shirt, on the very shiny necklace was a Hula-Hoop crisp, it glistened in the sun. “Is that a Hula-Hoop on your necklace Mr Undle?” She thought a moment more. “Are you the one they call Mr Undlewood from the Shire the one with an unsavoury obsession with crisps?” she probed.
Mr Undle was often referred to as Mr Undlewood from the Shire and yes he did have a very unhealthy love of crisps. Mr Undlewood stepped back two paces and clasped his hand over the Hula-Hoop. “No…don’t look at it, it is my burden to carry!” he squealed as he turned and ran. “It is my ‘precious’ I tell you, my ‘precious’.” And into the forest he ran.
Amanda sat there laughing, Mr Undle was well known in the neighbouring shire as a ‘nutter with lots of hobbies’. She turned her attentions to the three witches cackling over the bubbling mess-tin………….
Next up was a wonderful float covered in Gold and flowers being pulled by an elephant, Father O’Neil turned round to see what all the gasps in the crowd were about……………….
........but he never found out what the crowd were gasping about because as he turned one of Flora Bundle's pigs who was attempting a particularly difficult Tai Chi form (Golden Rooster Stands on One Leg), accidentally entangled with another (who was working through Fair Lady Works the Shuttle) , and fell off the float, knocking Father O'Neill flying. The problem was that the pigs were Gloucester Old Spots, whose soft floppy ears covered their eyes. They had to be particularly aware of the other pigs chi, and that was difficult on the float, as it was so much harder to balance. But the fallen pig niftily recovered his balance through a body roll, as you would expect, and soon half-jumped, half flew back on the float (he had been watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon that very morning) to expertly demonstrate Snake Creeps Down (1) and then Fair Lady Works the Shuttle before Snake Creeps Down (2).
However for Father O'Neill, who was in a state of exhaustion, this was the end of the Carnival procession. It was time to go home and put his feet up. He had a Pilates session to teach in the afternoon.
When suddenly Barry Fondle burst upon the scene! 😮
Barry Fondle bore an uncanny resemblance to the diminutive Mr. Undle. No-one knew that they, and Flora Bundle (were they triplets?) had hatched a revolutionary plan for this quiet (?) rural community. Once it came to fruition they knew that the world would be one step closer to being a better place. Hurrah!
The first part of their scheme had involved opening a vegetarian diner in the village. It was called Veg-iner. The plan hadn't progressed much further than that, but they were working on it.
With the mouth watering Veg-iner Diner up and running, Barry had turned his attentions to his beloved carnival float.
“STOP….I SAID STOOOOOPPPPPP” Barry hollered. His was the float with gold and flowers and he was the executive arts director. All the floats had reached the upper field and were waiting in-line for the last procession in the main ring to find out who was going to be crowned the winner of the ‘Strawberry Hill Carnival Float 2007’, Barry’s ‘Upper-Hill Gardening’ float was runner-up last year and he was going for the throat this year. He wiggled around the perimeter of his ‘Coming-out with Grease’ float with one hand resting daintily on his left hip and his right hand waving his ‘Rayburn’ sunglasses around in a very frilly kind of way (Rayban had run out of stock so he went for the next best thing). Barry had spent months perfecting his male dancers version of ‘Danny does Dallas’, his boys wore hot pants, cropped tops and Doc Martins and Barry wasn’t about to let Terrance Loofa or Peregrine Knobs ruin it for him.
“Shake it, like you mean it Terry…..give me more Perry darling, give me more!” Barry Fondle was a master himself at the booty shake and demanded nothing less from his dancers, he had hand-picked them all from the local towns of Gaydom Downs and Grinding Pump Springs.
“Now boys….. as the wonderful Martine always says ‘This is our moment, this is our one moment in time!” Barry paused for theatrical effect and adopted the tea-pot pose. “Now lets get this show on the road. Sasha darling start the music!”
But sorry to say Barry’s ‘Coming–out with Grease’ float only got the runner-up prize. Barry was as you can imagine inconsolable and gave a performance of great misery that any thespian would be proud of, unfortunately he over did it a bit and tripped over Peregrine who sat sobbing on the side of the float. Barry fell over the side of the float and as he landed he squashed his ring; which was the final straw. His Uncle Jo (or Joanna as he liked to be called on a Tuesday and Saturday) gave him that sovereign ring on his death bed.
To end the Carnival it had been the traditional for the last 50 years for Gran Broon to paraded around the main ring on her white palomino mare, Ruth. This mare was the latest descendant of a long line of Ruths. Gran Broon always rode bare back and for this special occasion she always unwound her long, now very thin and grey locks around her shoulders. It was tradition to do the ride naked and although Gran always gave it her all; her best days were long gone. She knew it was time to hang up her toupee tape and so this was her last parade and she was going to make it memorable for all…………………...
It was tradition to do the ride naked and although Gran always gave it her all; her best days were long gone. She knew it was time to hang up her toupee tape and so this was her last parade and she was going to make it memorable for all…………………...
She only hoped that farmer Giles wouldn't spoil the fun with his gang of mods. Farmer Giles was supposed to be keeping the cows happy on his ethical farm, but he preferred hanging out with his gang. They roared around the countryside on their lambrettas, beehives and ducks a***s blowing in the wind. His infamous winklepickers could give a nasty bruise.
THE STRAWBERRY HILL ORACLE
ANNOUNCEMENT
VACANCY
NEW SCRIPTWRITERS TO JOIN THE EXISTING TEAM
New scriptwriters always welcome for the weekly Hp soap thread page.
Come on in, kick your shoes off, sharpen your pencil,
keep it clean (ish)
we have almost had the verbals once :eek:.
Wages............none.
Tea breaks whenever you want.
job satisfaction guaranteed
sorry guys but you lost me with this a long time ago. I've no idea who's who & doing what now. It's like trying to watch that Pobl y cwm without subtitles. Sorry to all you welsh if it's spelt wrong. 🙂
sorry guys but you lost me with this a long time ago. I've no idea who's who & doing what now.
Well, you may not have been introduced to Shaz Backtune. She has recently taken up ethical cannibalism and enjoys nothing more than having the neighbours around for lunch.
Shaz was very interested in Barry Fondle's ethical corkscrew for a while.
.
Shaz was very interested in Barry Fondle's ethical corkscrew for a while.
yes, I heard it sent her round the twist:eek:
“No, I’m very sorry, but I really haven’t get a place for you in my Pilates class”
Father O’Neill mouthed “Sorry to keep you waiting. ” to Amanda as she sat waiting in front of him while he was on the phone.
“…………Yes I know your balance has improved with the Tai Chi and everything………I know it was an accident………No, it’s not to do with your not being Catholic………..No I am not a scrofulist! How very dare you! “
“It’s the pigs” he mouthed to Amanda.
Amanda rolled her eyes…..but pricked up her rosy little ears. The Baker’s wife who lived with her family, the Broons, at No 2 Strawberry Hill, had become increasingly unsettled at the rise of the militant vegan wing which was gaining popularity amongst the livestock in the farms in Strawberry Hill. She had her own agenda: her husband Richard’s erstwhile dangerously high cholesterol level was coming down as it was becoming more and more difficult to get hold of bacon and sausages. And Amanda wanted her husband dead. As a parrot.
The problem was that since Flora Bundle, and the other triplets, Barry Fondle, and Hairy Bundle, had started the movement for Pigs Revelling In Carefree Karma in Lower Fields farm, insubordination had spread and now even Farmer Giles pigs simply refused to go to the abbatoir. As the pigs had become more and more skilled in martial arts there was no chance of getting them to the abbatoir without the element of surprise …… in fact it needed the elements of fear and surprise…….or rather it needed three weapons ……… fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency ………but truly, and this is where Amanda thought Father O’Neill would be invaluable, it needed fear and surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.
Amanda sat waiting for Father O’Neill to finish on the phone. She wanted Richard dead so that she could inherit the bakery, and bring up her baby, yet to be born, with Sergeant Serge and Captain Lorenzo Ashmond, the Bronze Adonises who have yet to manifest their weirdness and who live at no 4 Strawberry Hill. She must get more bacon and sausages down Richard the Baker so that he would die of a heart attack. Richard had to die! Pigs would have to be sacrificed! But she couldn’t say that to Father O’Neill. So she had decided to join his Pilates class, and get him to focus his energies on the pigs…………
“You think I care? You think I care if you go to Collette’s Yoga class? Go on then…..” but at that moment Father Aloysius’s eyes met Amanda’s, Her full ruby lips silently framed the words “'Yoga is an idolatrous practice which leads one away from the one true God and into the spiritual realm of false gods and demonic spirits'”
“Oh, sacred heart of Jesus” thought Father O’Neill. Amanda could see the wheels of his mind whirring around under his rather fetching fine lace wimple, which matched his elbow length fine lace gloves and catsuit. Of course that edict from Rome said that any creature with human characteristics had a soul and should therefore be saved from eternal damnation……And these pigs were certainly showing human characteristics………
“OK you’re in. I’ll clean up the mat that Treacle left in such a sticky and confused state last time she was in.. See you at 2.30. Don’t be late”.
But meanwhile back at the Carnival, something miraculous was happening to Granny Broon..............
Some busybody's just been round the village knocking on doors and demanding copies of the Oracle which she set about scribbling in ... said it could be misleading to have an 'advert' but an announcement was OK. Dunno what she was wittering on about really :confused:
Holistic
It took ages to remove the treacle from the mat, but with Amanda’s help, Father O’Neill was all set up for class by 12.15, and they had time to grab a couple of savoury muffins for lunch from Veg-iner, Fairy Bundle’s veggie café that had opened up on the .banks of the Frotting, next to the Vodka Revolution Bar.
They spent a pleasant hour in the watery November sunshine, feeding the swans. They had to be careful as the swans would quite happily come up to take the crusts from their hands and bite their fingers. One of the swans obviously thought he was King Cob, and arced his beautiful feathers like angel wings, and pecked the necks of the other swans.
They watched two mallards fighting, circling around the river, biting each others tails, anxiously followed and quacked at by a farmyard duck through her primary yellow beak. They saw the blunt featured Chinese ducks bob-tail and disappear down into the river to come up again minutes later, bills full of fish.
“So my child, how are you?” enquired Father O’Neill of Amanda.
“Pregnant Father”
“God Bless you, my child.”
“I’m a bit worried Father……..you see it’s Gok’s love-child.”
“God’s love-child? Sure now, and isn't every child is God’s love child.”
“Bless us and save us” thought Father O’Neill, mentally crossing himself, “She thinks it’s an immaculate conception!”
“No, Father, It’s Gok’s………” but the conversation was interrupted as one of Flora Bundle’s pigs politely enquired if they would mind if he sat next to them, as there was a spare chair at their table.
Despite the fact that they both had ulterior designs on the pig; the priest on saving his soul, and Amanda on saving his bacon to feed her husband, they could hardly object as the pig was dressed smart but casual, and had impeccable table manners. He was even kind enough to throw the birds a few scraps from his plate.
Then Farmer Giles’s crowd roared up on their lambrettas. They tied them up, bleating, at the bike racks on the promenade on the river bank in front of Veg-iner, and went in for a cup of tea.
“See you at class Farmer Giles. Laters Amanda” said Father O’Neill, as he paid up and skipped back up the hill to the Priory Church for all Modern Day Sinners, the tassels from his lace wimple streaming in the wind behind him.
Half-way up the hill Father Aloysius O'Neill stopped sharply, tied up his tassels and had a thought
"She didn't mean Gok Wan's love-child did she?" He'd seen the pair of them talking at the Vodka Revolution bar on Saturday night.
"Nah."
He tucked his long red hair into his wimple. "That young gentleman's as bent as a nine bob note.".
And off he skipped, back up to the church..
Very good. Very creative. 😀
Question: how the hell did you know my satnav is playing up? It really is!
Comment: I would NEVER drive a 4x4. I would take offense but this thread is too good. :p You could at least make it a hairdresser-like MX5. I wouldn't mind that.
Question: how the hell did you know my satnav is playing up? It really is!
Thats because....Many a true word spoken in jest 😉
or maybe Barrafy Undle had his ears to the grapevine:rolleyes:
Question: how the hell did you know the satnav is playing up? It really is!
Comment: I would NEVER drive a 4x4. I would take offense but this thread is too good. :p You could at least make it a hairdresser-like MX5. I wouldn't mind that.
………………Darren said to the manager at Land Rover.
“I’m sorry sir but we don’t do MX5’s sir, it not our thing sir” the manager said pulling a face like Darren had just let one go. “My absolute apologies sir that your sat-nav troubled you sir, I assumed it had been troubling you sir due to the dents in it sir! May I offer you sir this AA map of Ulan Bator, Outer Mongolia sir in way of compensation sir”
“Yeah, fine where is that then, up North?” Darren asked.
“Er, East sir, East.” The manager replied. “May I interest you sir in trying this Range Rover Sport sir instead, you could have it on loan for another week sir?”
“Certainly not. Like I have said I like the MX5 or Ford Puma type of vehicle,” Darren insisted.
“I am sorry sir we don’t have any of…those…..cars sir. However sir I can loan you one of our pool cars sir to get you home sir, as long as you can return it full of fuel by the weekend sir?” The manager had become increasingly agitated that his potential customer was potential no more.
“Ok, that will be fine.” Darren agreed.
The manager handed Darren the keys to a very clean but mature Austin Allegro, with sat-nav of course. Darren turned the key in the engine and put in his postcode into the sat-nav. ‘At the next junction turn left and continue for 3 miles’ the sat-nav instructed. Darren put the car in first gear and exited the showroom carpark and turned right……….