Trust

RE: Trust

Hi Alex,

I get disapointed when "trust has been broken", but often if I think back on things, Ihav enever made any sort of "trust agreement"with the person like "I would like this to stay between us". I have too often assumed that it is obvious that if I tell something to someone, it is not to be passed on further. Or have the person try to mediate on my behalf based on what I said.

Not sure if this goes in the direction you are thinking of?

Artemis

RE: Trust

Hi Alex

I have a huge problem trusting people. I've been let down a few times by people I thought I could trust, people i've known almost all my life. The way i've dealt with it now is not to trust anyone anymore unless I feel ready to. But the question is, will I ever trust anyone enough to tell them anything or to be able keep to myself things they tell me if I know it is wrong!! Don't get me wrong, I never pass on anything that is told in confidence, but if I know it is wrong, that is a burden on me, as I have found out twice now in the past. Plus the fact that I'm always caught up in the middle of things.
The only way I feel I can deal with it now, is to listen, but if I feel it is wrong, will say I dont want to get involved, and let it go over my head. I have a bad memory now, so almost everytime I forget what is said to me.

RE: Trust

Hi guys

talking of trust let me share one of my own articles, written some time ago, to contribute to the discussion. Take a read and enjoy.

How to build trust in your life

by Alex Tana

Trust is an essential component of a balanced life. Lack of trust always brings lack of commitment and cooperation, conflict and in the end the breaking of certain relationships, whether they are personal or business. However building trust is not easy. It requires sacrifice and honesty, two dimensions that are often in short supply in this modern world.

Why do we find it difficult to trust people? The main reason is that we find it difficult to build respect, let alone positive relationships, with people who often disappoint us and let us down. Many people expect us to accept the way they are whilst at the same they are not equally prepared to accept the way we are. As a result we find that it is difficult to build respect for such people and to open our inner most thoughts and feelings to them. We do not “connect” with them and so we keep them at a distance. Basically we do not trust them.

But building respect and trust for one another is a two way exercise. It has to be agreed and acted upon both parties. One party cannot build trust unless and until the other side reciprocates. And if this is not forthcoming or what we get is one disappointment after another then the trust brakes down completely and often is quite difficult to resurrect it.

On the other hand, when the parties involved are prepared to commit themselves to openness and honesty then there is very likelihood that the trust will be established and will last a very long time. However it is also important that this trust is maintained and supported by both parties in order that it will not wear out or be affected by temporary setbacks, which are bound to happen in life.

But is there anything that we can do to build trust and maintain it? Let me briefly share some steps.

1. believe in yourself
I have said it many times before that one of the major issues that we are all facing in life is the lack of trust in ourselves. Basically we do not have faith in ourselves and in our abilities. You are afraid that should something happen in your life that perhaps is a bit more challenging than what you are familiar with you will not manage. Or it may be that you are worried by the very fact of having to meet new people, new situations that will stretch you out of your comfort zone. And if this happens the thought in your mind is…”Will I manage?” Or you may be in the situation where in your mind you are convinced that you can do it; but your heart is telling you otherwise and your instincts are paralysed by that self-limiting belief.

In my life the one thing that has always kept me going, even in difficult moments of my life, is the great belief in myself and my abilities. This is the one thing that I am sure has contributed more than ever to give such wonderful relationships all around me, such a huge network of contacts all over the world and above all an incredible family.

2. show yourself
How many of us are afraid of showing the real self? This is not only something that affects other areas of our life but it has a profound impact on our relationships and therefore on the trust we can build with others. So many of us project an image which is so different, so distant from the reality of things that when the same people finally come to know the real person they are often surprised, whether in good or bad. Revealing oneself for who and what we are brings openness which encourages trust and positive relationships. Sure that may well mean becoming vulnerable and I have certainly paid the price many times over in my life. But let me tell you that the results are always better than the cost!

One of the greatest compliments that I have always received in my life about my openness and the fact that, as many people have put it, “I do not wear masks.” I am who I am.

RE: Trust

Michelle

well let me comment on some of your points

I have a huge problem trusting people. I've been let down a few times by people I thought I could trust, people i've known almost all my life.

I know what you mean Michelle and I understand very well what you are saying. However, building walls and barriers amy protect you from those people but... are you going to live in a shell?

The way i've dealt with it now is not to trust anyone anymore unless I feel ready to. But the question is, will I ever trust anyone enough to tell them anything or to be able keep to myself things they tell me if I know it is wrong!!

Well, you make a good point here. Just one question though: how will you know when you are ready? What do you mean by... if I know it is wrong?

The only way I feel I can deal with it now, is to listen, but if I feel it is wrong, will say I dont want to get involved, and let it go over my head. I have a bad memory now, so almost everytime I forget what is said to me.

I think that pint 3 of my article above may be helpful. Let me just say that if I were to take in all the things that at times are said or have been done to me my life would be a misey. Thanks goodness is far from that! Why? Because I have always reacted in a positive way.

Keep the fight going and... keep on trusting people, what ever the cost.

RE: Trust

Hi Alex

Well, you make a good point here. Just one question though: how will you know when you are ready? What do you mean by... if I know it is wrong?

By this I mean that say for instance, a friend that I have known since the age of 9, (we grew up together, but parted when we both got married, but then bumped into each other one day, and carried on from there) decided to tell me that she has met this guy who she has fallen in love with (but baring in mind she is a wife with 2 kids). Then decides to go out frequently with me, but only to meet this guy, when all the time I thought it was a girlie night out thing. She then decides to go back to his place on a few occasions, but can only do this if I am with her or it will look suspicious (and he only lives round the corner from where she lives). I've been put in a position where I am keeping something from someone I know well and that doesnt deserve this at all. But then I am best friends with her.

Other things have happened since too that has stopped me from trusting people.

I think that pint 3 of my article above may be helpful.

This is essential! So many of us are ruined by seeds of unforgiveness and bitterness. Trust cannot and will not be built if there in unforgiveness in your heart. Trust cannot be built if your mind is thinking of revenge. Trust cannot be built is the only thing you have before you is how you can make that person/those people pay for what they have said/done to you.

You mention forgiveness and revenge.
To be honest what she had done was her problem and mistake. What I had done was to make her husband see what kind of person she really was and so that he could move on, which he has. I don't regret what I did which was telling him, and I see no reason to forgive her. She has moved on doing what she is doing, and I'm doing what I'm doing, so I don't really care about her no more. As for revenge, there wasnt any revenge or getting back at her. If I really wanted to do that, I would have told her husband right infront of her, but instead I gave her that chance to tell him herself. She refused, and he started to put pieces together and came to me. In my eyes I felt that it was the best thing to do as she wasnt about to tell him herself. He is a good husband, and didnt deserve any of it.

It is also like what Artemis said

Ihav enever made any sort of "trust agreement"with the person like "I would like this to stay between us". I have too often assumed that it is obvious that if I tell something to someone, it is not to be passed on further.

If you have known someone long enough to be able to tell them stuff you dont want to go any further, you automatically assume it won't. But it does, and I hate that. If someone comes to me and says - please keep this between me and you, it is kept (but most times I forget anyways). But at anytime I tell friends stuff, which is obvious it shouldnt go anywhere else, it does!! Why?? I have asked in the past for things not to go any further, but they still pass it on like its gossip.

This is the reason I no longer trust anyone. If there is certain things I dont want passed on, I no longer tell.

Sorry to have gone on!

RE: Trust

Artemis

Not sure if this goes in the direction you are thinking of?

Oh absolutely! There are many different situyations where people have problems with trust and you have mentioned one and from the looks of it Michelle has mentioned another one. I have laso mentioned a couple in my article. So anything goes.

I get disapointed when "trust has been broken", but often if I think back on things, I have never made any sort of "trust agreement" with the person like "I would like this to stay between us".

Now this is an interesting thought, very interesting. And you are absolutely right. The fact is that whilst when we do a business deal we enter into an agreement that binds the two parties together we don't do that when it comes to trust. We sign a marriage certificate that binds the two people together but we don't do anything similar when we need to establish a relationship of trust. Uhm... I wonder why? What is different? Why don't we do it?

RE: Trust

Michelle

great to read your comments and your very interesting points.

Well it is obvious that you were thinking of a specific situation (thanks for sharing it) that in a sense did not quite fit with what i was sharing in my article.

As for what you have shared... well yes I understand very well the situation with your friend and what happend as a consequence and yes, the girl has moved on and you have too and that is the end of the story. So, my bit about unforgiveness and revenge does not really aplly to this situation that you are describing. I was referring more in terms when hurt is made against us directly, which is often the case when people let us down.

RE: Trust

Hi Alex

You will have to ignore my last post, nothing is coming out the way I wanted it too except for the last para.
There was an issue I didnt want to bring up on here, but would have been a good example, and I tried to go roundabouts with another example. Very confusing I know, it would have been easier to put what I originally was thinking, but it is too personal.

RE: Trust

Michelle

you have done great stuff! I think I know what you mean and I greatly respect your fairness. On the other hand you have given an excellent example of how people can damage our level of trust.

What I was saying is that my article was tending to explain another area where our trust can/is often broken. But you have been clear on what you shared and so... be encouraged. Let's keep on talking on how we can rebuild the level of trust when ever this is damaged, by who ever this is done.

That may well mean that we need to "drop" certain people; but my aim and my encouragement always is to try and build a strong "self2 that will be able to stand any adversity in life.

Take care.

RE: Trust

If your trust is broken it can be really painful, from my own experiences I was left feeling small and weak and unworthy. I didn't work through my problems for years & it really ate me up inside. I am pleased to say that through forgiveness (and big chats) I have now got a really good friend back.

I decided to look at me and realised that i am not so perfect & I have done things (which in hind sight) would never have done. I have hurt people and broken their trust, but I also know that my actions hurt me too (through guilt / loss of a friend) and I was sorry for the pain I caused. I can now be more understanding with people & listen to what they have to say, if they are truly sorry then forgiveness is my choice. If they are not sorry, I accept what is done and try to move on the best I can.

My closest friends are people that have shared lifes mistakes together and I am honoured to have them as friends. They say your truest friends are those who know everything about you and still love you! I guess Im lucky 🙂

RE: Trust

Hey Alex,
you are now giving advice by the glass I see:D:D:D

I think that pint 3 of my article above may be helpful

Trust, the really tricky one for most people I think it is one of those things that can be damaged very quickly and is then very difficult to piece together again especially if your trust has been abused several times. We all have people in our lives who we would not trust and people in who we place all our trust, IMHO no problems there, the "issue" with trust comes when the people in whom we would place all our trust dissapoint us to such a degree that we not only feel "let-down" but "abused". Being let down is not that bad most of the time we all know that things happen, it is when it gets to be a constant and the feeling of abuse rolls in.
Michelle, your story there is one of these, I was on the receiving end of such a situation where the person being used got very uncomfortable when near me because they had a secret they thought I should know but they thought they were entrusted to keep quiet, I am still very good freinds with that person but my EX lost one of her best freinds.

Alex to your 3 points,

1. believe in yourself

Will this really ake you trust others more? I am not so sure, it would depend on the situation. I can believe in me but have a very low view of others.

2. show yourself
problematic when your trust has been abused, we tend to have our armour on for longer if something happens as we just don't want to go through the same old s*** again. I agree we should open up, fact is though that it is dammed hard to do so if the pain is still nagging or you are not really sure about the other person yet.

3. forgive the offenders
This is the hard one and i am not sure how far each of us can go with it, sure there are situations where it can work out but there are others where it can't or we would not want to, as long as we can work through it and know that we have sorted it for ourselves then why do the forgivness bit?? it may sound harsh but Hate is a passionate thing just like Love and sometimes you need it for the balance.

You said to Michelle:

Well it is obvious that you were thinking of a specific situation (thanks for sharing it) that in a sense did not quite fit with what i was sharing in my article.

I think it did fit quite well, her trust/loyalty was abused, and it hurts when come to that realisation so your trust goes down the drain.

Don't forget, most of the time trust is not just bowled down it is gradually eroded and by the time you notice what has happened it can be so far gone you can't remember why you trusted someone in the first place.

Rocky.

RE: Trust

Hi Guys

Thanks Rocky 🙂

Most of what you said is what I was trying to put across. I knew someone out there had some brains 🙂

No serioulsy, Thanks for that. No matter how hard I tried, it simply wouldnt come out right.

[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Trust

Rocky

Thanks for your posting. Very much to the point.

You said...

you are now giving advice by the glass I see

Just a suggestion, a pointer for our friend Michelle.

Will this really make you trust others more? I am not so sure, it would depend on the situation. I can believe in me but have a very low view of others.

Good point Rocky. Perhaps the article was not clear enough on this; but limit of words compelled me to be brief. What I meant was that one of the reasons why we do not trust people is that we are afraid that their actions may hurt us. That is why, in a sense, we feel that by trusting we are giving away a part of us. Now, the fact is that if only we believed that what ever the situation, what ever the odds ( and the betrayal of trust!) against us we can make it all the same.... that would change our perspective dramatically. In other words, I do not care what others may do against me because i will always find a way to live my life successfully.

fact is though that it is dammed hard to do so if the pain is still nagging or you are not really sure about the other person yet

I agree Rocky, not saying that it is easy; but i believe that is the way forward nonetheless.

For your comment about forgiveness... see the new thread started by Michelle. Not easy again, but the way forward... when ever and where ever possible.

RE: Trust

You know, I find if someone lets you down, and makes your trust in them obsolete, you have to let thoughts of revenge go. They usually turn out to be their own worst enemy and will shoot themselves in the foot sooner rather than later.

Be true to yourself, is a good motto. If you KNOW you are dealing a straight hand, then you can be at peace with yourself and everyone else.

Habouring resentment, and I talk from experience here as I have done this many times when I was younger, makes you ill, and gives you sleepless nights and builds up and up until it explodes.

Turn the other cheek, but have your say first. Speak quietly, always more effective than shouting, and tell them why you are walking away from them and the situation.

Then let it go. They are the fat eyes, not you.;)

Love Gillyxxx

RE: Trust

Gillyann

what a wonderful posting!

You have put in such simple and dare I say poetic words what I put in more "technical" terms. Thanks for what you have shared; it makes so much sense, doesn't it guys?

RE: Trust

Turn the other cheek, but have your say first. Speak quietly, always more effective than shouting, and tell them why you are walking away from them and the situation.

Very good advice! Nicely put - thank you [sm=hug.gif]

Then let it go. They are the fat eyes, not you.

[sm=rollaugh.gif]