Things I dont understand!

RE: Things I dont understand!

Well you know there are words of wisdom in everything you read - you must choose what you resonate with and then live your life by your principles and what makes you excited. If you don't want to do the chores and neither does your partner, then pay someone else to do it. Think of the wonderful thing you are doing - you're giving someone else employment and spreading your resources around a little bit more, and you're getting more time to spend doing what you like doing. This isn't a flippant idea it's simply suggesting a re-direction ofenergy.

RE: Things I dont understand!

Hiya Jane
Thanks for the reply.

Sorry for the confusion. I think maybe my post was a little misleading?

There are no problems in my house with who does the chores. I was using that scenario as an example set out in the book.

But as we are talking about it-if there is a problem and I think Im doing more than my share, my way of dealing with it would be to talk to my husband about his contribution. it wouldnt be -as the book suggests- to keep my mouth shut and do it all!!

(Also paying someone else to do it wouldnt be an option as I havent got spare funds floating around to afford a cleaner)

Anyway-has anyone read this book?

If so what are your thoughts?

Tx

RE: Things I dont understand!

I read this years ago, but have since given it away. the fact I can't remember any specifics about it probably says alot!

I'm going to guess that it is being suggested we look at *ourselves* because we cannot change other people. So, we need to look within to figure out what that person's behaviour is triggering within ourselves and what we can do to move into more of a space of acceptance.

With the housework example you gave that;s just crap advise if housework is the thing that is driving you crazy (don't tell me; the author is a guy;). Yeah right so let's turn the tables. Hey guys, if your woman doesn't want to have sex for 3 months, just don't sweat it, ok. Just accept it and everything will be ok LOL!)
and I can totally see where your 'doormat' thing came into it.

My prefered reading on this is the 5 love languages. It does come from a christian author, but there is little of that in the book.

It's all about literally speaking the same language as people (particular partners, but other relationships too) so that we BOTH get needs met. i;e it strives towards and win-win.

I find with my child that 'choosing my battles wisely', which I guess is another phrase for not sweating the small stuff, is really important otherwise our egos get locked. It has made life MUCH easier and our relationship much more positive now that I can simply let go of things and I don't need to 'win' all the time iykwim. (I've found that with my leo husband too:D )
But when it is something important I will work towards a compromise and there are other issues, such as safety where there are no compromises.

Anyway, I think I may have gone off on a tangent here but I hope there was something in my words for you.

blessings
Amethyst x

RE: Things I dont understand!

Thank you for the post Amethyst.

With the housework example you gave that;s just crap advise if housework is the thing that is driving you crazy (don't tell me; the author is a guy;). Yeah right so let's turn the tables. Hey guys, if your woman doesn't want to have sex for 3 months, just don't sweat it, ok. Just accept it and everything will be ok LOL!)

Thats exactly what I thought!!!

I suppose its getting a healthy balance between not stressing about things that really, in the grand scheme of things arent that important-and being a complete push over!

I suppose, with me, I generally dont get upset with people (well, not to their face) but then I worry about being percieved as a doormat?

Does that make sense?!

For example, with friends, I think Im soooo acommodating. Ill bend over backwards to help anyone in a fix. But then how do you balance that out without starting to look like a weak people pleaser?

Or maybe I am a weak people pleaser!?

How do you know if you are doing something for someone else or for your own ego?

Oh blimey! Ive opened a right can of worms in my brain!!:eek:

Tx

RE: Things I dont understand!

Hi,

Isn't it a bit like that old saying; try to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference!!

My example would be; you are in a hurry to get somewhere and the traffic is horrendous. In fact you are stuck in a two mile tail back, what do you do? THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!! So relax, turn the radio up loud and start singing, oh and don't miss the next turning off to the back roads (where you will find everybody else is any way!!).
Sometimes you can see that it is infectious and other people join in!! (especially if you can have all the windows down - great fun, even better with the roof down!!)

My advice, make the best of any situation, good or bad!

Blessings

Crabapple

RE: Things I dont understand!

Isn't it a bit like that old saying; try to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference!!

Ha ha, you must have been reading my mind ... I was just wondering earlier whether to give the Serenity Prayer an airing. Here it is, the full version:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Grant me patience with the changes
that take time,
Appreciation of all that I have,
Tolerance of those with different struggles
And the strength to get up and try again
One day at a time.

Holistic

RE: Things I dont understand!

Hiya Crabapple, thanks for posting..

My example would be; you are in a hurry to get somewhere and the traffic is horrendous. In fact you are stuck in a two mile tail back, what do you do? THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!! So relax, turn the radio up loud and start singing, oh and don't miss the next turning off to the back roads (where you will find everybody else is any way!!).

I get this bit. Infact I try and practice this in every situation Im faced with. It is such a positive way to live and it canreally make a difference to my day.

Its more about the above scenario (about the housework) that I have problems with....I remember in the same book it saying something about even if you know someone else is at fault, you should except the blame anyway???

To me there is a huge difference between being a positive little bunny in everyday situations and just laying down and taking everyones cr*p because its just small stuff and 'in 100 years will this matter?'(He says this in the book)

Am I making any sense at all or do I have HUGE problems??!

Tx

RE: Things I dont understand!

Hi,

Yeah, I do get what your saying, it is sort of like taking it a degree further. I must admit there are times when you know you are sooooo in the right that you have to have the last word, however sometimes it is better to take a step back and think 'is it worth the hastle!'.

For instance (here we go again!!); it is the beginning of the day, you've had your breakfast and you are ready to go to work. Can't find your keys!!!! But you KNOW that your son moved your car last night to get his out. He swears that he put them on the hook (or whatever!!) but lo, they arn't there. Is it worth causing a scene and bad feelings that may ruin the rest of the day (for both of you and others who hear) or do you just find the spare keys and drive off.

'just laying down and taking everyones cr*p because its just small stuff and 'in 100 years will this matter?'(He says this in the book)'

Do you think that scenario is nearer the mark!!

I think it is a case of working out what is worth 'fighting for' and what may just be futile and not make any difference any way. To be perfectly honest there are times when I know I am right/haven't done it/not to blame, but it just isn't worth the effort to prove otherwise.

I do however, think that the way the quote you have stated is read, it seems as though 'he' wants you to be a total sycophant (is that how you spell it??). I haven't read the book myself, but the way writers put things over can make a total difference to your interpretation of it!!

Does that all help in any way.

Oh and yes you do make sense and you do not have huge problems!! You merely just unpicking things that you are reading and trying to make sense of it in your own world!!

Blessings

Crabapple

RE: Things I dont understand!

ORIGINAL: Trinityx

For example, with friends, I think Im soooo acommodating. Ill bend over backwards to help anyone in a fix. But then how do you balance that out without starting to look like a weak people pleaser?

Or maybe I am a weak people pleaser!?

I suppose it depends on who/what you are doing it for, where your reasons or driving force come from:

How much of it is because you want others to be pleased for you?
Or because you want others to do the same for you?
Or because you enjoy helping others and being compassionate and generous is part of who you are?

And what is it you're scared/worried about?

What others think of you?
Or what they would do?
Or is it more about self-respect?

If so, is it possible to have both, e.g. be compassionate and generous without compromising respect for yourself?

RE: Things I dont understand!

Have you ever noticed that the people you like most and will do anything for are those that make friends with you, and they do that by giving a piece of themselves. Not because they want to please you but because they genuinely like to give of themselves and have a lot to give. People who don't keep their knowledge to themselves but willingly give it away to help others. Now it could be said that those people have huge egos, but egos arent' bad you know, it's ok to have an ego as long as you don't expect everyone to accept what you know, as their truth. People with egos don't have to be arrogant.

Although I don't know this book I suspect it's saying don't sweat the small stuff - don't give it valuable energy because if you focus on the bad feelings you get when you have to do stuff you don't like, then all you'll end up doing is perpetuate those bad feelings. Just forget it and move on.

You said
For example, with friends, I think Im soooo acommodating. Ill bend over backwards to help anyone in a fix. But then how do you balance that out without starting to look like a weak people pleaser?

Or maybe I am a weak people pleaser!?

That's a terrible suggestion to give yourself. How about turning it around and saying "I love helping people and the energy I get from the subsequent buzz when they say Thank you - just makes me stronger and stronger"

RE: Things I dont understand!

Thanks guys for the replies!

You all make interesting points.

Ill re read and give them some thought and reply soon-not feeling too well at the moment (only a snuffle but my heads throbbing and my throat feel like the guy in the lozenge advert!)

Just wanted to let you know as youve taken the time to reply.

Thanks again

Tx

RE: Things I dont understand!

HIya all,

Crabapple-I totally understand what you are saying. The example you mentioned (with the keys) is a good one.
I suppose its all about the big picture and just smilimg and letting go....!:D

Wow Birdski! You pose some indepth questions there!! Thanks for those..

How much of it is because you want others to be pleased for you?

None I dont think. Im not sure if I understand fully? Im not sure why others would be pleased for me.

Or because you want others to do the same for you?

I think this is true. I treat people (or I try to) how I would like to be treated myself.

Or because you enjoy helping others and being compassionate and generous is part of who you are?

I do enjoy helping others, yes.

And what is it you're scared/worried about?

Not 100%...people taking advantage I supose. If people see my kindness or manners as a weakness to be taken advantage of....

Janezworld-

Now it could be said that those people have huge egos, but egos arent' bad you know, it's ok to have an ego as long as you don't expect everyone to accept what you know, as their truth. People with egos don't have to be arrogant.

Id never thought of it this way! d always equated egos=arrogance..

How about turning it around and saying "I love helping people and the energy I get from the subsequent buzz when they say Thank you - just makes me stronger and stronger"

Thats a lovely way to look at it.

Thank you all.

Youve given me loads to think about!

tx

RE: Things I dont understand!

You are very welcome it's fantastic to know that things we say are appreciated - Thank you