All
I'm not sure where to put this problem, so have put it on mind therapies too. And it's a long one - sorry.
My sister is 21, slim, pretty and she used to one of the most fun and unique girls many people knew, but over the last few years she has slowly been metamorphosising into - for want of a better word - a bimbo.
She now bleaches her hair almost white blonde, has sunbeds, wears very revealing clothes and loads of make up and even had a pink bow tattoo along her pubic line - apparently Jordan has the same tattoo. She basically just looks like a bimbo who is going all out to impress men in general, although she has a lovely long term steady boyfriend.
Now she is considering having breast implants. For one I think it's just horrendous to do this unnecassarily - she has small boobs but is only a size 8, so she looks fine. If she had absolutely no chest, or one much bigger than the other or something that would really be a worry it would be different.
I think this all stems from insecurity - she was bullied throughout school life - not physically thank god but verbally and mentally - and as the youngest sister of 3 girls she also got picked on a fair amount at home, so my other sister and I feel partly responsible.
I've tried to express my feelings of concern to her but she says it's all to do with feeling 'feminine' - I told her that there is more to femininity than large breasts. I've asked her to seek help from alternative therapies such as hypnotherapy or cognitive behavioural therpay, which she says she will do.
I feel these insecurities are causing her to be obsessed with her appearance and I'm worried it's spiralling out of control now.
My other sister doesn't want to get involved, and my parents don't seem to see anything awry in all this.
I have spoken to her previously to say that she is a pretty, slim girl who does not need to make drastic changes to her image to please others, and she replied that she thinks that if she looks 'perfect' and sees her bullies from school they can't hurt her with any more comments.
I just don't know what to do, it's such a sad situation.
Any suggestions for her/me? Or advice? It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
RE: Please help me with my sister?
Star04
well sorry for replying only now to your post but I did not notice it until today. Anyhow, let come to what you shared.
I certainly feel the sadness of your words and your concerns for the cirrent situation of your sister. I can appreciate that you would like your sister to be different from what she is trying to be right now, that "bimbo" as yu describe her.
Well this is a very difficult situation in that we cannot rule over other people's life. Everyone is entitled to express their way of life. And yes, at times this may be in contraddiction with our way of life, with our values and beliefs. But, we are only the managers of our life, not someone else's. And to be quite honest, what ever your opinion, your sister is entitled to leave the life that she wants.
Sure, I hear you say, but why should my sister behave like this? There can be a variety of reasons for this. It could be insecurity, it could be wrong self-image, it could be lack of confidence, it could be very low self-esteem or it could be several other things.
But either way, the only thing you can do is to express YOUIR opinion, which may well differ from hers. It is interesting that you mention your opiunion but what does your sister thinks of herself? What does her boyfriend think of her?
Let me finish with a personal example. I totally disagree with the way my sister is living right now. But apart from manifesting my different views of life and how to run life, what can I do? Very little. But there is one very very important thing that I can do and i am doing. And that is loving my sister unconditionally with all my heart, not judging her, not criticising her but simply loving her for WHO she is (my sister!) and not for WHAT she is.
RE: Please help me with my sister?
Thanks so much for your reply Alex.
I am trying hard to look past her image and remember she is my sister underneath it all, but there just isn't one speck of the real Sarah left anymore, I can't find her underneath all this.
It's so sad, I feel like her obsession with image is spiralling out of control, and that something worse such as body dysmorphic disorder might develop if she can't get to the root of her troubles.
I really don't know what she thinks of herself - she wears very revealing clothes at most times, which indicates she has no issues with her body, but then other times will moan about 'fat thighs' or some other imaginary chubbiness, and now she wants a bigger chest.
She is a very over sensitive person - always thinks people are having a go at her when they are not, and also she can really worry about her family members health/happiness. This sensitivity leads me to think that she would have a hard time coping with foreign objects inside her body, especially as she is doing it for vanity and not necessity. I've tried to tell her that as you get older you come to terms with your body more (I knwo I have) and your priorities change, but she seems to ignore what I say. I feel like giving up, like I'm the only one in my family who can see that this is a cry for help - I think it is anyway.
As far as we know her boyfriend loves her as she is, but she has become a lot more concerned with image since she's been with him.
I feel so worried she's going to have this operation and it won't help her problems and she'll regret it. But I guess I just have to back off and let her get on with it?!
There's a lot of history with my sisters and myself anyway - I'm the oldest and have always been a bit bossy and judgemental with them, and although I've tried desperately over the last few years to rectify this I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with them that they have with each other. I was the first one to get a boyfriend and so left the little group and never really slotted back in either.
It's very helpful to be able to write all this down, even though I can't seem to make sense of the situation entirely in real life!
Thanks x
RE: Please help me with my sister?
Star04
well I would like to make several comments to your post but I am feeling quite tired tonight and so, sorry, but I will write again tomorrow morning. Take care and just let me say this quickly... let your sister be herself. She is eveidently on a journey and whether you think she is right or wrong, that is HER life, not yours. Let her live her life and as every human being she may make some mistakes in life possibly. So what? It is her life aftyer all and we cannot live someone else's life.
I know that you love her and your words reveal that. But you have to let her make HER choices and take HER decision that will affect HER life.
Talk to you more tomorrow.
RE: Please help me with my sister?
Hi Star,
I agree with Alex that you have to let your sister do her own stuff. Much as you love her, it's none of your business unless she asks for your help.
That said, here's a thought that may help.
Say that you understand that she wants to feel better about her body. Then suggest that she has two alternatives. 1: to go ahead with the operation - make the change externally, which has no guarantee that it will change the way she feels inside (and her breasts may look a bit strange when she's in her seventies, if the implants last that long!) or 2: spend probably rather less money to go and see someone to help her change the way she thinks, so she can be comfortable with her body as it is and feel good about herself permanently
Might be worth a try
All the best
Jonathan
RE: Please help me with my sister?
Thanks Jonathan.
I know on the whole it is none of my business, but cos she's my littlest sister I can't help feeling protective and I want to try and guide her in the right direction.
But since Friday I've backed off and have spoke to my parents about it but not to her, and I don't think I will again. I've told her my views but I think she's so hell bent on trying to become wah she thinks is 'perfect' that she won't listen to me or anyone else.
I need to let go of worrying so much about my family I think, it really drains me and I'm pretty sure they just see me as interfering.
Thanks so much for your reply.
RE: Please help me with my sister?
Star04
you said...
... but cos she's my littlest sister I can't help feeling protective and I want to try and guide her in the right direction.
Ah... this is the problem my friend! Can I speak openly? I hope you do not mind me, but people here know that I love everyone. The fact is that you cannot "guide her in the right direction". Who tells you that your way is the right direction? And anyhow, what is right way? And what may be right for you... may be wrong for your sister and vice versa! Please.... just her live HER life!
I've told her my views but I think she's so hell bent on trying to become wah she thinks is 'perfect' that she won't listen to me or anyone else.
Why should she if you are criticising her? As I said before why don't you just love her as your sister, period. Love her because she is your little sister not because of what she looks like, what she thinks or what she does! Sorry to be blunt but I hope that you understand what I am trying to say.
I need to let go of worrying so much about my family I think, it really drains me and I'm pretty sure they just see me as interfering.
Yes, let go my friend and stop trying to live other people's lives. I know that you love your sister; but your sister is an adult, capable of her decision, right or wromng that they may appear to you.
Take care.