Need Help Plz Life Is Becoming Hard To Live

Need Help Plz Life Is Becoming Hard To Live With

Hi All,

My life background and questions.

Hi, I have been mentally and physically abused by my father from the age of 8 up until I was 14 years old, my mum also mentally abused me, I was mentally and physically abused at school from year 3 to the beginning of year 8 as I left when I was 13 years old and my aunt turned her daughters and my whole family against me when I was 8 years old up until I was 14 and of course I was treated like dirt even by my own mother for two years as she always wanted a daughter but never got one.
So for those two years she spent all her time with one of my female cousins and I just kept on being sent up to my bedroom and got sent for when it was lunch or dinner time. Mum was and still is more proud of her then she is of me.

My two female cousins used to mentally and physically abuse me because they knew that I was not a violent person as I was and still am a quite person. From the day I was born mum treats me like an invalid which I loath as I was prematurely born she got every specialist there was because she was always psychopathically worried about me 24/7 even up to the age of 14 years old she even got a specialist to teach me to walk because she did not want to do it herself. Mum has got a bit better about not treating me like an invalid since I left home at 14 but it is still there a bit.

My family consists of mainly females but there seem to be more males being born so it could turn out to be the opposite in years to come and I was and still am at a disadvantage as I never had another male to back me up or support me in anyway and all my family seems to care about is themselves and picking up strange women who they make friends with and they care more about them then they do with their own family now a days, very strange. My family never properly loved me like they should have done, they say they do but with them it is just words that do not mean a thing to them.

From when I was about nine or ten years old mum had specialists come around to our home and got them to accuse me of being retarded to having dyslexia and from age 14 to 24 years old I have been accused of having Asperger’s there were no tests involved and I got accused of having it within 10 minutes of being at an animal park. I personally know I have no disability, well I do when it comes to my insane family, now they are a big disability in itself.

I left home when I was 14 years old, unfortunately to live with my grandparents as they did that for mums sake but I really wanted to be adopted so that I could have a real family who really loved me and to look after me properly (nice dream).

The good thing was mum sort of stopped treating me like an invalid as she knew she was slowly losing me and I hated her for treating me like that.
When I was 15 years old my grandparents decided to move just down the road from mum and him, since I left home he keeps on stalking me where ever I go and what ever I do e.g. bike riding catching the bus etc. and there is nothing I can do about it especially now as we had moved down the road from him well apart from hiding away from him for eleven years and counting. Mum kept on trying to leave him but could not do it as she felt responsible for him god knows why as he is a psychopath.

My grandparents knew he was insane before mum married him but they said they could not do anything about it???? And now our GP has confirmed that my father is mildly mentally unstable. I have mainly spent my whole life in my bedroom but my rabbits kept me going and kept me from committing suicide and I wanted to know what my future is going to be like as well which helped and still helps me. My last rabbit died in March this year Jupiter was 11 years old so he almost lived his life twice as rabbits are supposed to die when they are about six years old.

I can not see a psychiatrist because my mum tells him everything including where I go and once he knows he will think my son was unstable all the time and I knew it, but in reality I am not unstable at all and I do not want him to have a one up on me so to speak. Mum will also wonder what is wrong with me and of course ask questions.

I can not really talk to my doctor either because she seems to tell mum quite allot of things that goes on with my health probably because of being accused of having Asperger’s even though I do not. I have made myself into a better person by making sure no body walks all over me anymore etc. I really do feel that I am in a controlled environment and I do feel trapped.

I have been to college to do a first diploma in small animal care course and passed first time then I started on an NVQ level 1 qualification at an R.S.P.C.A but my animal care career was short lived because the provider of the NVQ level 1 qualification went bankrupt and when I tried to look for a job in several animal care places they wanted people who could drive but I cant learn to drive because of my father stalking me.

Then I went on to do job based training in Administration working up from being an office junior but that was short lived to because the job/course provider was unorganized and did not seem to care about their work place or courses that his company did so I left and many others followed as they had enough to. Then I decided to do job based training in an equine centre which was based on fields that was short lived to because the owners were deeply miserable for no reason at all so I left and a few others did leave in the end to.

Now I am studying web design, I have been studying all of the software that you use to be able to create websites since last October and have also been learning HTML, XHTML etc. It was going okay until the college canceled my city and guilds diploma in web design but they did say there should be a web design course in January but the course will be called ITQ Level 2 instead as it has something to do with the city and guilds diploma in web design being ditched by the government because the ITQ courses are supposedly replacing them and the government refusing to fund the course because of having less students then last year and my lecturer said the ITQ Level 2 is still in its theoretical stage as again it depends on whether the government will fund it or not.

As you can imagine I was very disappointed when they canceled my course, since then I have been searching for other courses at other colleges and also online courses, I might have found one or two but still waiting for the course providers to get back to me. I don’t know why but it feels like my web design career will be short lived to because of the above careers ending so soon.

I am also concerned about how much the software will cost me as the Adobe web design software will cost about £2000 so that I can design websites and sell them commercially in the near future but if my web design career goes down the drain like my other careers did then that will be £2000 down the drain as well so allot of money to waste. To be honest I am waiting for my web design career to end as my other careers have and I have slowed down allot learning about web design as I am just waiting so what would the point be if I put all of my energy into learning web design when it will only end?

My LifeSkills Course which included how to manage your life, develop skills in Time Management, Stress Management, Assertiveness, Forward Planning and Goal Setting was canceled to before my City and Guilds Diploma in web design was and that really annoyed me to because I would love to improve my life and try and get it back on track where it should be and not spread around the floor like it is now. I really do feel that I am cursed and was not meant to lead a lovely life as what ever I do it always goes wrong even when it comes to selling used items on Online Auction websites, my stupid crumby life says it all really doesn’t it.

The next step I would like to take with my life is to move to Spain and start a new life there with my new web design career (IF possible) and there will be no way my father will be able to stalk me over there because him and mum are border line poor, which is great news for me. I know it sounds strange but it feels like the end of my life if I move to Spain and not a new chapter in my life, do you know why that is?

I think getting the Police involved now would be silly because my next step I would like to take is to move to Spain. I do hide in my bedroom as I am scared of my father because of him stalking me and mentally and physically abusing me in the past e.g. kicking, hitting me and twice he put a wrestle hold on me when I was only 9 years old by facing me down on the floor and basically sitting on top of me pressing my chest on the floor so it made it hard for me to breath luckily mum caught him and stopped him from doing it. When it comes to mentally abusing me lets put it this way what didn’t he do.

Life is really getting on top of me now and I just do not know what to do anymore I have tried to motivate myself to ignore my past and the present situations and carry on studying web design etc. but the past and present still tries to haunt me and my father still carries on stalking me. From day one I have been alone not being able to talk to anybody in person about being abused or stalked. I spend most of my time playing online games or watching the tv.

I feel like I am drowning the only way out is to move to Spain A.S.A.P (but I really need a diploma in web design first) or my very last plan is to commit suicide as I have been thinking about it for quite sometime but I do not want to as I want to move from the hell hole I am in now and move forward to my future in Spain, why is life so complicated?

I don’t have a routine in life anymore as I am very depressed but I would like to improve my life but how? As I do not know where to start do you have any suggestions please?, I am taking St Johns Wart which seems to help calm me down, I do seem to sleep a lot more then usual and have quite a few head aches probably because of being a bit stressed out and depressed also I am finding it hard to have more than one shower a week. Because of all of my bad luck with my life and different careers I have stopped learning web design as I know I will only get hurt again so really I am protecting myself but I would have liked to have continued with it but maybe I was just meant to stay in my bedroom and be on my own and just become a couch potato watching tv all day every day.

I don’t know anymore I just give up. My bedroom is a dump to with practically all of my items on the floor that needs to be sorted and put back into draws.

Im having trouble with people sneezing to (having a bit of OCD) as I do not want to get colds or the flu because of my life being like it is at the moment very depressing, it feels like I am not going any where in life and colds or the flu make me feel even more down in the dumps, if it is a big sneeze then I give it an hour or two for the sneeze or sneezes to clear and 30 minutes if it is a small sneeze. I have tried to reduce the time for each sneeze but when I hear it I automatically put it up again to what it should be, it is making me more depressed but at the same time it is making me feel safe. What can I do about this?

My dream is to become more independent and I would like to become motivated again as I got to the stage of motivating myself but that went because of my life. Any advice you could give me would be very much appreciated and also would Life Coaching books help me to get my life back on track if yes what books would you recommend?

Many Thanks for reading this and maybe replying to it.

Regards,

Oliver