OK, yes I know the two sexes think and communicate differently. So, how do I get through to, and resolve an issue with my husband? He repeatedly makes hurtful comments about me in front of friends. If I say nothing, the friends think what he says is true. If I point out he isn't telling the truth, I am seen as argumentative and sharp. If I try to talk to him later he puffs and blows and gets irritated that I am making an issue of it. I have no idea why he says such things. I wonder what on earth he is saying behind my back. He tells me every day how much he loves me, and also says lovely things about me to our friends. So, why does he tell lies that make me look bad? He is such a good natured person I can't believe he would say such things in order to make him look like the victim in a bad marriage. If he was merely insensitive, what do I do to let him know how hurtful he is, seeing as he gets aggravated when I try to bring it up after the event. He also has taken to saying untrue things generally. Not big lies, but bewilderingly silly lies.
PS we have been together 40 years.
Sounds like he is taking some of your energy when he speaks untruthfully. It is a way of belittling you and gaining the upper-hand. By belittling you he feels better.
I would sit him down, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate his behaviour any longer and that he is to stop belittling you in public in front of your mutual friends.
He is on some level getting some pleasure by making you feel bad.
Why would he, with the same friends, say he can't imagine life without me?
Hi IBelieve and welcome to Healthypages,
Sounds a little like what James Redfield calls a "control drama" in the book "The Celestine Prophecy". Not the best written book, but the principles are sound. May be worth taking a read of that to get a better understanding of other people. 😉
All Love and Reiki Hugs
Thanks for that Giles. I will see if I can get someone to get me a copy. Is it heavy? -If all fails I can use it to batter him...
You don't go through 40 years together without some turmoil and I would say he has given me quite a few challenges. But I have grown up a lot and life is different now. He is freaking me out and I feel like I need to get through to him before I begin to hate him.
Nah, it's not heavy...
281 pages. Normal reading book size. Not enough to batter anyone with. 😉
It's written in the style of story following an 'adventure' (for want of a better way of putting it) of a man (in first person so it's as if it's the author) following a lead for finding an ancient manuscript. His adventures lead him to different situations and give him insights into human nature, where he learns of things like the "control dramas" I mentioned.
I read it in about 3 sittings. Good book. 😉
All Love and Reiki Hugs
It certainly sounds intriguing. I have just emailed a friend to ask her to get it for me. Thanks for your help. It is a different angle on things. 🙂
Hi Ibelieve,
Maybe your partner is a bit envious about your strength, self confidence, likeability when socialising, success, appearance and feels that he needs to tell the world: "look, she is great" and he is aware of it, "but I am great, too!" And the only way he feels he can do that is by putting you down in front of other people.
Which is actually an immature behaviour and that relates to the little lies as well.
I have no real advise for you other then maybe to talk to him not straight after he has behaved in that way but during a "neutral" time and explain to him how it makes you feel very calmly when he is telling things about you that do not reflect reality.
That might make him reflect and think about his behaviour. I don't think that his behaviour has anything to do with his feelings for you, as he seems to love you. I think it is more about issues within himself that he might have to deal with.
Hope this helps somewhat.
Love
Zimba
WOW, thanks so much for such constructive help. I thought twice before posting because I was having trouble thinking of a way to state the case without going on too much, nor being too biased. I was worried someone would get extreme in their judgement and get accusatory. I thought I would end up wishing I hadnt mentioned my problem. You have been so helpful and I really appreciate it. I have actually done as you have suggested Zimba (partially). I have not discussed what my husband said recently. I am giving myself time to cool off before trying to broach the subject. I hope that when I do, I state myself clearly and must try not to become accusatory (easier said than done, I know).
Hi Ibelieve,
how about making a short diary entry when these situations occur, over a period of time you could possibly build up enough "evidence" and when you have a chat in "neutral" time and space you could show him the diary, it will serve two purposes
1; It shows how seriously you are concerned about his behaviour in front of your mutual friends.
2; It will show him that it is habitual on his part to attempt to belittle you, you can then point out to him that if "his problem" continues you will show it to all of your mutual friends, not in a revenge sort of way, but just to show him how it feels to be belittled in the company of friends.
What I would say finally, and without being judgmental, you can only be belittled if you actively allow it to happen, by making a humerous style response you can quite easily diffuse the situation ( which may not actually be noted by your friends) by saying something like " oh your not using that same old story to TRY and make me look little in front of our friends are you ( insert partners name here) I thought we were past childish things like that"
By highlighting the word TRY, it actually tells him he is failing to achieve his aims.
best regards
BGFL
Wow, how time flies.....
A confession: I got the book, but have only just begun to read it. And it isn't heavy 😉 thanks Energyiz, I hope I get it's message. Thanks for your help. In the 18 months or so since I first posted, things have sometimes gotten on my nerves and I have felt a lot of stress for various reasons. I have been pointing out to him, in calmer moments, how his comments are not true and how they are hurtful. He doesn't discus with me. Just does the usual, sitting and staying silent. If I try to get him to discuss, he comes out with very exasperatingly ridiculous things.
He has had cataracts and has just had the first operation and his mood has improved a bit. I hope this will continue with the next operation. THEN, I feel, he should have his hearing checked, as he clearly is having difficulty in social situations (let alone with me at home). Interestingly, a friend who is a doctor in the UK, commented that he knew my husband was having hearing problems and said exactly what I had thought: That he was cutting himself off by not getting something done about his hearing. To be honest, he is 61, and sometimes the weird things he says and does are freaking me out because I wonder if he has beginnings of dementia. This is too immense for me to think about in depth. SO, I am taking one thing at a time, eyes, ears and communication, and hope that I am very wrong on the dementia.
So, here I am, reading the book "The Celestine Prophecy - An Adventure", I will report back 😀