Purpose,
Im still here, and Im still working on my plan. Im glad youre here. Ive been having some problems that have kind of interupted my progress with this and this is why it has taken me so long to get back here.
I dont know, I think what is happening to me now has a lot to do with my progress. It has a lot to do with everything.
I have been seeing someone for about 10 months now. Someone who I love very much. What happened is that I told him what happened to me last year. I told him about getting married and making a big mistake and then the big tragedy of him dying of cancer. I tried to tell him that I wasnt the same person anymore because of this and that my whole life has been changing for the better ever since.
Well, he didnt want to listen. HE GOT MAD. and mean... He said I was being dishonest with him because I didnt lay all my cards out on the table when we first got together. He also said that I was playing the victum and that I would "always" be the victum all my life. He told me he didnt want to see me anymore and to go on with my own life. I think this was after I told him that the only person he cares about is himself. I told him everything was all about him, and then he said, no, everything is all about me and that I havent found myself yet, bla bla bla.....
It hasnt really ooccured to me what playing the victum is until this bad episode with him. He kept on telling me that I play the victum for the pay off. Well, I was the first person who even brought this subject up with him in a general way about other people. Now its about me.
From what I see, the pay off is being able to point the finger at the other person and make them the heavy while you walk away clean and innocent. This means not taking any responsibilty at all in the relationship. Like not being able to admit youve been wrong about things. Its the "its all him syndrum" or all her,,,
All I know is that he was really cruel to me and I couldnt stop crying. He hated me.
Im not talking to him now. Im leaving him alone. When I left his house, the only thing I could say to him, I dont know where it came from but it just came out. I told him that we "both" play the victum and that his performance for himself was:
> "well done",,,,,,,,, and then I went home , took a sleeping pill and slept all day because I was emotionally exhausted and pretty hurt. Now im in a daze because I really care about this man and I cant believe how horrible he was to me.
The thing is, a lot of what he said about me was true, but not the way he was making it seem. He was scaring me about myself. He told me that I was a perpetraitor to him, where is he getting this stuff? I have been so good to him.
Anyhow, Im trying really hard not to fall into a depression over this. - I guess when I realized how much of a victum he was acting out for himself, -he was very self rightous and stern with me like I was such a bad dishonest person and nothing is wrong with him. Isnt this what victums do? This has gotten me to laugh a bit and lighten up over his tie- rade. I dont think I need to take what he said to such heart . =all I know is that I dont want to play any victums games with him , but it looks to me that hes been like this for the last 20 years and will allways be the victum to his last 2 ex wives. =and its been his life style too, to play all of this out in his current relati0nships too.-How can I judge him, when I look at him and realize that I have had the same problem. The only real problem Im seeing is that I really want to get off! the victum boat, but it looks like he really wants to stay on it. Tell me what you think. thanks D. Girl
RE: help....
Well,
I meant to say anyone is welcome to talk to me. It really would be nice to have alittle feed back. thanks D.
RE: help....
Hello Diamond Girl,
I am not a life coach, but I've been around the block a few times. I read your account with sadness, not for you but for him. He is the true victim here, you are the strong and courageous one. You had the courage to tell him about your early widowhood and moreover, had the strength to walk away from this man's hurtful tirade. That's more than his two ex-wives ever did. However, even they saw the light, that's why they're 'exes.' You are worth a lot more than this. You know it deep down, don't you Diamond?
Look upon your experience of this man as a learning curve. You'll know what to look for and what to avoid in future. There is no shame in being single, dear girl. Far better to be left on the shelf than broken on the floor.
You left him with your head held high and your integrity intact. What is he left with, but a sour nature and a lonely life?
Good for you!
Love,
Patsy.
xxxxxx
edited due to grammatical error.
RE: help....
Diamond girl
oh my! Apologies first of all for not coming back straight away to you but I have been away for a few days on networking and business. But wow... I go away for a few days and see what happens!!
But thanks to patsy for stepping into my shoes (I hope they were comfortable!) with some excellent advise and support. And my dear Diamond girl you have done the right thin and you should be proud of yourself. I totally agree with what patsy said and that he is the vistim not you. Actaully you have laid everything on the table and hence been honest, because you could have easily kept the story for yourself; but you haven't. So well done.
Now sure the pain is there and I am only happy that you felt right to share it with us and to call upon me/us here. As I said to you before... that's why at least I am here. And any help that I can give you is a pleasure to me. But let us move forward now.
So, a series of questions come up for you if you don't mind. And BTW if you want to message me you are welcomed to do that as at other times. So, first question, what next? Them, how are you handling your emotions right now? How are you looking at yourself now? What do you think is causing any doubts that you may have?
I look forward to your answers. And again take care of yourself.
Better
Thank You SOOOO Much.
Thank you too Patsy. That was so nice of you...
I "WAS* wondering , who "is" playing the victum here. This person does have a definite chip on his shoulder and it has worked best for me to see this and to back up emotionally in the best way I can. -What Im concerned with now is looking at myself and realizing aside from him and "his" stuff , I have stuff too. I dont want to fall back into my old pattern of reacting the same old way to situations like this. I know I have a choice as to how I want to look at this. I think my old way is to take problems like this way too seriously. +I do know that I have been attracted to this person for a reason. We have things in common, we share certain issues, sub consciously and consciously.
I dont want to do what he is is doing. Judge and be self rightous just to protect my insecurites and get the big," Im so right and better then you pay off",I want to do what "I" want to do. I want to change.
what's next? I dont know. I think working on myself and building myself up and remembering what my father has all ways told me. That Im a beautiful person. I know for sure that I need to relax and trust in God. This helps me when Im feeling anxious and angry over the hurt I have felt.
-As for looking at myself. Well, I think I have a lot going for me, but I am by no means perfect. Ive had some problems and patterns in my life I am tired of, but I feel like Im on the right track now. I will get back to you on what my doubts have been recently. thanks D.
RE: Better
Diamond Girl,
Lovely reply.
We all have our ups and downs. You area beautiful person, your dad was right. Moreover, you are a courageous person.
Love,
Patsy.
xxxxxxxx
RE: Better
Diamond girl
as Patsy has said... great reply indeed. And lovely to hear that you have a good positive attitude to things. That will really help you to gothrough this period.
And I am happy to see that you stood the challenge that had thrown at you (it's my coaching style) and have come to an awareness of what you need to do next. or at least ... you are woorking on it.The fact is that we need to constantly move forward and especially in a case such as this when situations happen that may be otherwise painful. So my encouragement is to start setting clear goals for your future steps before you and visualise what you would like to achieve, where you would like to go and so on. But.... well done so far; now, it's time to move on!
Love
RE: Better
Time for me to think about what I'd like to achieve.
Ive been reading this book called "The Art of Possibilty" I havent finished it yet, but seeing it on my night stand has been really encouraging.
Id like to start out and I think I have -by learning how to move beyond the destructivness of other people and love them anyways.
I believe in the power of changing the dance so if your partner is going to follow along he's going to have to change his steps to keep up. I dont know what all this means, but I have to learn to trust myself more and give myself a lot more credit and to know that I have a lot more influence on the people in my life then I know (namely Mr. Im Not The Victum You Are-bad person you are bad person) I used to be the victum like he is now, like hes been for the last 20 years, hey!!! think the same "has" been true about me too.Awakening,,, The difference is now Im really not playing it. I dont want to. It takes you no where.
-I'd like to achieve having more people in my life. I need to let them in,even if things dont develope into a relationship. Im getting better at this at work. Its alittle uncomfortable feeling because Ive reverted a bit into my self from what happened last year. Most of the teachers found out what happened. It was sad for me and very tense.
With what I want for myself now, I have to start out really slow. Im too dissatified and I get frustrated and kind of jam myself. I learned that more relaxed I am with being by myself the easier getting things done becomes. I dont know how this works, it seems just the oppisite would happen, getting nothing done, but it happens I become productive and focus better.
SO, -Talking to more people, being myself,smiling and being at ease with myself- RELAX< everything is going to be ok, sort of thing. Ihave an axiety problem.
To condence this further:
[] Making friends
[] Relaxing
Ok, whats my plan for this? Tomarrow,,, thank you,
thank you, thank you ,,, purpose and all of you here.
Sincerely, Dee ha! looks who moving to a change. ( :
RE: Better
Hi guys
let me just make some additional comments here at this point.
One of the great problems that people seem to have is that they want to "change" their partner in a relationship. Now, let me blunt as usual.
First of all unless you are a coach who knows how to bring about that kindof change do not try! You will end up disappointed. people do change but only if they want to and are prepared to put the effort into it and anyhow changes can happen fast or slow but no one can predict it.
The important thing is always to rest on who and what I am and not expect the others to change. So one has two choices: either I adapt to who and what my partner is or in other words I change; or.... you would need to walk away.
The grey area of changing the other person is tricky and is certainly to be explored in terms of "compromise" but the problem with compromises is that they generally tend to be temporary and can be revoked and/or changed by just one party. Anyhow, I thought that i would give this as further food for thought.
RE: Better
Purpose,
I understand what you are saying. What happens, may what happens. Im concerned about myself now and what Im doing. This is what I was really trying to say. Dee