Forgiveness

RE: Forgiveness

Michelle,

This is a good topic (and a very hard one!!)

I can quite easily forgive people for small things, like say for instance, breaking a promise. Or even, for saying something that was out of order etc etc. This is because it has only caused you a small amount of harm or upset. Sooner or later, you forget that it ever happened.

But what if this someone had caused you mental and maybe physical harm, so much so that it changed your life!

I agree, some things are hard to forgive. When somebody causes you mental & physical harm they take a lot away from you. There are a couple of people in my life that I can not forgive, but I have also chosen to stop my anger & hatred towards them. I simply have nothing to do with them and I have picked up the pieces myself, stuck myself back together and try to let go of the pain (easier said than done most of the time :))

I do not worry about what fate lies before them, I just concentrate on me and make sure that they can't take anymore of my life away (ie not being able to trust / open up). I guess I started by accepting what had happened, accepting I couldn't change it but making sure they weren't going to effect the rest of my life. That is just my way of dealing with things.

I will be really interested to see what advise you get back on this, as i am sure it will help me too! 😉

[sm=hug.gif]

(spelling!)

RE: Forgiveness

Michelle

wow... yopu are going for the heavy stuff here! Sarah is right, this is so important and yet so difficult for many of us. And I believe that none of us is immune by the need to forgive because all of us have been receivers, in one way or the other, of some kind of "offense" and/or abuse.

How do we forgive? And is it possible to forgive everyone? Well if one were a spiritual person one could say that you should be able and you ought to. But even then.... it would not be easy. And if you have no beliefs at all then you need to find a way to overcome your offense and your offender.

Personally Michelle I do not think that in this issue there is a right and a wrong way. It is a matter of personal feelings, emotions, understanding and thinking. We can however make one choice. And that is the choice to forgive or to bear a grudge and live in bitterness and unforgiveness.

Many years ago I made a very clear decision when I decided to forgive my mum for what she had said and done against me. In recent years I had to forgive a business partner who ran away, breaking my trist (!!) with a very large sum of money that the police was unable to recover.

Was it hard for me? Sure it was, I will not deny it. But.... having forgiven both of them I can now move freely without the burden, the poison should I say of bitterness in my heart. Having said this.... this is my experience and my choice to do so. I do not expect everyone to do it my way.

RE: Forgiveness

Hi all,

Many years back, my husband had his thriving business taken out from under him, whilst we were on holiday, by his 'partners'.

In sale rights, pensions and vehicles, plus salary, we lost over £200,000.

I HAD to stay calm as I honestly thought my husband was going to have a stroke.

We managed to keep our house and that was all. At age 60, Art could find no work, so, I sold a few family heirlooms, borrowed the rest, and bought him a Modeo, and he became a taxi driver for 6 gruelling years, at night.

I also worked, and our third daughter was only 12 at the time and needed us to stay calm and work, earn money and see her through school, college and then Uni. Which we did.

I wrote to all the people concerned, in the plot. The partners themselves, their wives, and one of the wive's parents. They all received the same letter. It was, I was told, balanced, not accusatory as such, but logical and rational. It was also angry but not vindictive.

It took me over a month to write, as I was not thinking straight at the time.

I waited until I was thinking straight.

Then we sued them all. And we were compensated, but we did this also in a balanced way, with no personal contact, and no volatile behaviour. The ocmpensation was not anything like we had lost, but it made up for part of our suffering. And it meant we had won a victory in having the Law recognise that the other people were in the wrong, and we were in the right. It took ages to come through though. And the waiting was hard.

In desperation at one point I visited a dear elderly friend of mine, who is wise beyond most people I know, and blubbed to her all my venom against these people. Her advice? 'Let Be Let God' and then, she told me to forgive them, but never ever to FORGET what they had done, what people were capable of, and learn this one lesson, very very well.

Since this happened, over 10 years ago, I have tried to live my life according to those rules, so I do forgive people, but I don't forget what they have done.

Love Gillyxxx

RE: Forgiveness

I do forgive people, but I don't forget what they have done.

Oh Gilly

How I can relate to that...my father once gave me two bits of advice that have never left me...one as the above...the other ~ never go back...always move on, sometimes its hard, very hard, but they work for me

luv & peace
stormdeva x

RE: Forgiveness

Hi Kira. I think it's difficult to comment as some things are so much worse than others, in different people's opinions, so I can only put my view across.

People do things for all sorts of reasons, usually because they don't know any better. Although I hasten to add, that in Gilly's case, this is hard to justify.

I myself haven't seen or had contact with my parents for 15 years. My father was a horrible little man and a bully, physically and emotionally. In fact the emotional damage is worse than the physical. When somebody with big hands thumps you on a regular basis you harden up to it and the only time you cry is out of humiliation and anger. The constant drip, drip of telling you that you are nothing and that you don't have an opinion is harder to come to terms with.

I did hate him when I was younger and I often wished horrible things on him (sadly they never happened):D As I got older (it took until I was about 25) I realised what a pathetic, unhappy, non-achieving little no-mark he was 😀 and began to stand up to him. I realised that he would never change and that he couldn't see that his behaviour was unacceptable so I walked away from him.

I didn't really lose any sleep over him after that, or my mother, who stood by him every inch of the way, even standing by and seeing him thump us, without saying a word. And no, he didn't hit her.[&:]

I get on with my life now and I have three children who they have never met and thankfully they have never been subjected to such behaviour and it is alien to them. So, in a way, they did me a favour.[&:] Yes, indeedie. My kids are happy, loved and secure because I had the parents that I did.

I don't really think about forgiveness to be honest, it just is what it is. I can't change it, and do you know what? In a funny way, I don't want to.

Hope that helps?????:D

RE: Forgiveness

There is also the point of view that while you are letting them continue to influence your present day thoughts and actions, they are still exercising a controlling power over you.
Everyone has their own way of 'disconnecting' with offenders, abusers and hurtful relationships, and once you have done that you have the satisfaction of knowing they no longer hold any power over you.
Not sure if I have put this very clearly, tonight but hope it makes sense.
jj

RE: Forgiveness

Hi Kira Bira...

Forgiveness, I feel for many is one word that is hard to follow and not easy at times..

If we dont forgive, then and this is just my humble opinion, is that we are still then allowing those that have hurt us, have power over us, as we can in many ways go on to hating people for what they have done, and I do not mean this in any putting down way, are they worth that hate that will chew at us day in and day out? - that they still have a hold over us... and that is part of our answer, if we can find a way through that answer, we can I believe try or start to let go.. even if it means going for help via a counscellor..

Sometimes forgiving is also about aceptance, and that too is very hard, that we accept that another person has done something to us, for what gives anyone to do anything that can hurt or damage us within? so in some ways we go full circle trying to work through our hurts past and present....

I dont have any answers, except for me, having had many hurts along my path, much of which has not been part of acceptance of what has been, it has not been easy, there has been inner pain, a reaching out for things that I so needed as a child which affected me later in life, but I had to let go of what I wanted a that inner child.. I had to accept for me this is how things have been, this is how my life is now, and yes to forgive, which came from aceptance..

I use to be a very angry little madam to say the least, and so much hate inside me would well up, come out with anger, hurting others, and in the process, I also hurt myself at what I was doing to myself - making me very very unhappy, and only I could change that way or my path at that time..

I now look back and see wasted years, and saw what and who I had around me and see so much loss and things that cannot be put back to how they could of been....

Those that hurt me have no idea how I have felt from childhood to friends over the years, and if I could of spoke to them, they even today would never understand, and this I also accept, for I know also look at the bigger picture, of why they were like they were, and this also helps with understand and forgiveness.. it does not make the deed/s right.. but it helps by looking more at actions of others..

Each person handles their own inner hurt and pain in different ways, and its trying to find a way out for that release, and that release still may take many weeks, months and years to finally let go and move on...

Love Flowerx

RE: Forgiveness

Gillyann

well, well what a fantastic and powerful testimony. And what a joy to see you in here again. Ehi... you are becoming a regular. Fantastic!

And thank you for sharing that, though I know very well that at times it can bring up memories that you rather push aside.

And from reading your story, in comparison my "disadventure" with my former business partner shades into isignificance though I lost nearly 85k in the process plus someone who I had though was a friend and had been so for many years.

I personally do not like to wash my dirty linen in public but I would just say that the effects of that financial loss forced my family and I to sell the house we owned and to move into rented accommodation, which we are still doing ... five years down the line. And the effecst on my family is what I hated most of this whole story.

But as you said... we need to move on and on we moved and now we are a happy, joyful family. Oh yes, we may have less money in the kitty.... but we have ourselves and we have a life to live.

Actually, one of the things that happend as a result of that was that our already good family relationships became even stronger then and have stayed so since. We are such a happy and united family because we have gone through such "crisis" and we have been able to forgive the offenders, forgive the hurts and move on. And that to me and my wife was the greatest victory.

Knowing that my former business partner is now ruined in business, his family has suffered because of his actions and instead my business is fine, family is great.... well all that is my greatest victory of forgiveness.

RE: Forgiveness

Jay

first of all... thanks for posting on here. Ah, have I finally managed to twist your arm enough? No, I suppose I am just lucky to have you visiting some times but it is so great knowing that you are there, if you see what I mean.

Anyhow, you said...

never go back...always move on, sometimes its hard, very hard, but they work for me

Absolutely right! That is the whole point of my own life, let alone what i do as a life coach.

Sure accidents happen in life, sure there crisis and unexpected situations, sure we are hurt and wonded. But then what? My point in life is and will always be... move on, move on, move on, move on....

In technical terms this is what we call PMA, Positive Mental Attitude, which means that what ever happens in life, even the most disastrous situations .... you forgive any offenders, move on and smile on.

Funny enough since I was at college, well before my coaching days, I have been like this. People always used to admire my ability to cope with "negative" situations such as being hurt and taken for a ride or what ever. My secret? Forgive and... move on!

RE: Forgiveness

Candie

a warm welcome to you too and again thanks for sharing your story. Wow, what a collection of them we are soon going to have on here.

At times it is not easy to forgive but you have pointed too to the important elemnt in this whole discussion, which is to move on and keep living our life regardless of the abusers and regardless of the situations.

Jonjo

Ah now you touch one of my favourite subjects, especially applicable ia situation such as forgiveness. That is ... the power game, as I call it. In actual fact there is a very "powerful" enquiry model in coaching based on what you said which is in fact called the "power model".

To put it simply, who/what controls the power over your life has control in your life. Unforgiveness, in this sense, is one of the worst offenders if not THE worst. It's power over our life are incredible and often we do not even realise that. But its effects are.... devastating to say the lest.

The solution? You need to break the power, the stronghold over your life and set yourself free from any chains. Otherwise you run the risk of living a bitter, limited and often unfulfilled life. There is much more I could say but it may take me off track. But thanks for sharing this. And thanks so much for visiting us here... come again!

RE: Forgiveness

Flower

welcome to this forum and to this thread! Great to see you here and ... do come back. You are always most welcomed.

Now, about your posting, what shall I say? Well, nothing.... you have said much already and in such a beautiful and warm way! Thank you sooo much! What a fantastic comment.

Take care.

RE: Forgiveness

Hi guys

Here it is, my dilema!

The person who has taken so much away from me and has affected me in so many ways I cannot begin to mention, is dead now. So how would I forgive this person if it is going to help me. I don't really feel comfortable in forgiving him, but if it will help me, then I should do it. I have read through the replies several times now, and came to the conclusion that I am willing to forgive, but I shall never ever forget.
So how do I do this?

RE: Forgiveness

Michelle

So how do I do this?

You take your courage in your hands and simly say... "I forgive .... for what he/she has said and done to me. I release my bitterness and I chose to forgive him/her."

That is all. But make sure that you are ready for it as it. Then come and share your breakthrough with us all.

RE: Forgiveness

Hi Alex

Thanks for that. I will try to give it ago this weekend. The thought of it though has turned my stomach over. I've not really done something heavy like this before - i say heavy, meaning its the biggest thing ive ever had to forgive someone for. Other things have been small.

I will come back to let you know how it went though.

RE: Forgiveness

Michelle

only do it when and if you are ready for it. If you don't feel like it then... don't do it. But one thing is sure... you have all our love to support you in this. You will not be alone if and when you do it.

Much love.

RE: Forgiveness

Kira. It is difficult to comment when I don't know the circumstances, and I don't expect you to tell all here.

All I can suggest is that you try healing. I had it from a friend regarding my father. I had moved on a lot, but my parents were always 'at the back of my head' if you like, and I couldn't ever get away from them and it bugged me.

I had healing and it really worked for me. It was fantastic and really helped. I am guessing that you are dealing with something major here. You need to enlist the help of somebody who can assist you in it.

I hope that helps. PM me if you wish to in confidence.

xx

RE: Forgiveness

A quote I read

You are never so strong as when you forgive.
Kimberly Converse

RE: Forgiveness

Hi Candie
Thanks for your reply, if I get stuck tomorrow, I will PM you. Thank you again

Hi Lynda
I have had this said to me several times now - I hope im strong enough to pull it through tomorrow. I also hope I'm left feeling good about it too.
Talk to you laters

[sm=hug.gif] (both of you)

RE: Forgiveness

Hi Michelle

You are striong enough to do all that you want to. Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do, I have done it a lot and I feel I am a better person for it - I had someone say to me once that she would forget but never forgive, this was over a misunderstanding that some vindictive people had said that got blown out of all preportion. When she said that I really felt sorry for her as she will now live with suffering and a sense of failure all her life, it also made me determined taht I would forgive rather than forget.

Then a few years ago I was forceably bullied at work, all through a time that I needed support and understanding at work, my father has alzhiemers that at the time had just been diagnosed, I was going through a split from 5 years in a very bad relationship and was buying my flat. HELL. I was stressed anyway but they just continued to load stuff on at work until I couldn't take it any more. It took 2 months of standing at the abyss until I decided that no I was not the one who had the problem, I searched inside myself and came to the conclusion that I was not a horrid person, I was not a coward or a cheat or worthless, as they had led me to beleive. THEY WERE. I got back to life and won a greivance at work, they ahd to move jobs so I could go back to my job and that made me feel good! I took them on and won. 🙂 Now a year on I am leaving to go to a better paid job and move on with live and that is why I am thanking them! although I won't tell them that lol.

But to get back to the topic (loL) I forgave them very early on as that was the only way I could start getting my life back together and once that happened (did take a while) all the anger and hurt and pain dissapeared. I have not fogotten and will never forget waht happened as it was a hard part of my life but one I am now thankful of as I would not be the person I am had I not gone through this! It was the best thing that has ever happened to me but I really think that had I not forgiven I would be rather bitter and twisted and on the same level as they are on for the rest of my life.

You say that this person is now dead, I would just say a silant prayer to them saying that "I forgive you for what you done in life now rest in peace".

I really hope that you can forgive this person for whatever they have done, you don't need to forget and move on, like so many have said before. You allow yourself to be realised from the situation that way as well, you can then move forward and heal that chapter in your life.

Good luck

With love

Maria

RE: Forgiveness

Maria

just to say that you put it so well! Thanks so much for sharing what you did and reminding all of us that there is a new tomorrow beyond forgiveness.

That is the whole reason why, isn't it? Why get stuck in bitterness and resentment when there is a life worth living beyond forgiveness? Why spoil; our life when we can forgive and move on?

Thanks Maria and take care. And BTW it is great to see you in here.

RE: Forgiveness

Thanks Alex

May just stay in here now lol! Well I have always said that it is best to learn from experiance and if my experiance can help someone then I will gladly share! Also I feel that sharing gets me a little further away from it as well and heals the situation further!

I see so many people who are bitter about events in their lives, one of my tormenters had a bad childhood, but I was determined not to be like her for the rest of my life (and she is younger than me), now I feel pity for her and even though she done what she did I don't hate her just feel pity that she feels that she has to do that to people and more importantly herself!

Anyway I am off for a few hours, taking parents out for a drive and lunch in the new car (well not lunch in it lol).

With love

Maria

RE: Forgiveness

Hi purpose,
Thanks for the warm welcome. Yes I do find the 'power' thing a fascinating subject as it is all around our everyday living too. I remember, many years ago while self-employed (in a sea-side resort, which meant income was more scarce out of holiday time) we borrowoed money from the bank to see us through each winter - not much and it was a 'facility' that could be used if needed. Anyway the bank manager retired and in the early spring I put in an order for some goods, drawing on this facility, and the cheque bounced. Now if I wasn't 'known' by my suppliers to be 'up-front' this could have impacted on our credit rating in the future, so from that time on we have never allowed anyone to have financial power over us again. That is just one personal example of how everyday acceptable practices can have powerful effects on our lives.
The downside of such an attitude could be argued that by taking this attitude we created our own restrictions and put blocks on our own chances for a more sucessful enterprise, but then again it's surely a case of swings and roundabouts?

Kira Bira,

Sometimes we just can't hack the forgiveness bit, and beat ourselves up on the 'need' to forgive. If you find it is not possible at this time to 'forgive' perhaps you could try 'walking away' from the situation and putting 'space' between you and the person who has died. It is like a first step and very soon there will be so much space between you and the incident you will be sufficiently detached from it to be able to forgive?

To everyone who's shared...

Thank you for sharing, as by reading your experiences, it has helped me to get some of my own issues into perspective (one current one especially which has been blowing for the last couple of weeks). It has given me that 'space' in which to plant forgivenenss and watch it grow. Blessings to you all for the healing power of your words:D

jj

RE: Forgiveness

To the Mods, Please allow this as it is part of this forum

Hi guys

Well here it is, this is what happened today;

I layed on my bed today, draining my mind of everything I could. I was relaxed. I asked for my guardian angel and for his/her name. I've not yet got a name. but I found myself in something ive never experienced before when relaxing. I'm not even sure if what it is, was. ( If that makes any sense) - it was like I was floating and I began seeing whiteness, just bits here and there. I saw what I would describe as a small star - a small twinkle and then it would go away. occasionally this 'twinkle' would come back. The thing I found amazing was these white 'clouds' (i call them). Were they angels? I don't know, but I felt comfortable with them. I kept on asking for a name, but didnt get anything, so I asked for a message to be passed on. In doing this the 'clouds' became more frequent and stronger. I then said I forgive him but to let him know I wouldnt forget. By this time, I found myself saying 'I forgive him' over and over again. My body started to tingle all over and the best thing was my heart began to feel warm. The more I said it the more my heart became warmer. I then changed to asking my angel/s, if they would give me a sign just to let me know they would pass on the message. Again repeating this over and over, and my forefinger raised!

I'm not sure what exactly happened, and if anyone could enlightened me on this I would be grateful (but please put this in the appropriate forum). But I don't feel like I thought I would feel before I did this. I originally thought I would feel resentment still, or that I would come away feeling like it was wrong to do it. (hard to explain, but I know Lynda knows what I mean). I still feel a little strange after doing it and the experience that I felt, but the main thing is I feel good inside.

Just thought I would share this with you all as you have all been very supportive to me in this forgiveness post.

Thank you everyone for sharing your views and experiences of your own. I am now glad I did it!

RE: Forgiveness

Nichelle,

First of all...

To the Mods, Please allow this as it is part of this forum

Do not worry as I am the one who decides round here on this forum. And what you have posted fits very well withe thread so far.

Now, the second and main thing is... WOW!! Not only you HAVE forgiven him but.... you have had an incredible experience! Oh Michelle.... you do not imagine the joy that your posting has given me. And guess what? Your heart felt warm and you feel releaved. That is exactly what many of us have been sharing with you.

And I know for myself that at times it is difficult to express in words what one feels when we forgive someone who has hurt us and done evil against us. But the freedom afterwards.... welll, Michelle, let me tell you that this is just the beginning oif something new in your life. The best is yet to come!

Much love! You are fantastic!

RE: Forgiveness

Thank you Alex

[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Forgiveness

way to go sweetheart

[sm=sandrine.gif]

[sm=hug.gif] and [sm=1kis.gif]

RE: Forgiveness

Michelle

Fantastic, sounds as tho your guides and angels were around and helping you with this, as they know hw important it is. But the feeling is great as it sounds as though all the hurt has started to fade, you will still get a few flashbacks and a bit of pain but it will all subside and fade away in time.

Meditation and relaxation is the best way to get to know how you react to different situations and what is your best way to deal with them, you can also ask for guides and angels help.

I am sooo pleased for you michelle as you are on the road to healing all the hurt around this situation.

With much love

Maria

RE: Forgiveness

Hi Michelle,

Well wow what a wonderful experience, and thank you soooooooooo much for sharing.

You say your guides never gave you a name.... they did, they did, and they did!!!!!! it is there for you to see if you read your words back.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

jj

RE: Forgiveness

Hi All

Lynda ~ [sm=1kis.gif][sm=hug.gif] Right back at ya hun! 🙂

Maria ~ Thank you so much for your kind words, and I have thought of meditation, something else I've not done before.

JJ ~ Thank you too, and you have puzzled me now!! I have PM'd you though.

Thank you all very much

[sm=grouphug.gif]