early relationship outlook

RE: early relationship outlook

Hi gemini,

How well do you communicate with your lady?

Would you show her your posting?

I really hope all goes well for you.

Regards,
garyi

RE: early relationship outlook

Thanks for the reply garyi

We communicate extremely well.

Ive learned a lot in the last year. And can communicate amazingly. We have very clear and understanding communication. I also learned how to be sexy too. And am more or less a changed person. We are very attracted it feels.

I dont think she would mind reading this. But i want to give her a break from talking about it for a while.

Its just an awkward time for her. But I just feel she might be wanting to try a little harder for some time together, as we talk about it a lot, and she is quite keen in theory, but not as much in actions.

I do feel good about the whole thing....

But my spiritual development is also adding some issues at my end. Like belief, trust, faith ect.... truth. Y'know.

Im quite spiritualy open. And I guess suspicious too by nature. But it feels right.

I guess these issues of mine might crop up with anyone, not just her.

Mabe if by belief was a little more balanced and consistent then There would be less of a problem.

I do trust and belive her. She eminates harmony and I cant sense anything wrong.

Mabe im "looking" for something to be wrong? i dunno. mabe.

Somtimes the way things happen (to my viewpoint) can seem like she might be testing or playing with me a little, or even being a bitch. But then I think of the stuff we have done, and that wouldnt make sense for her to be nasty. She has said shes been a bitch a few times admittedly. Weve had few problems, and the ones that did arise were communicated, and resolved very easily with no problems.

Is my critial thinking, deep thinking and rationality failing to accept the full essence of female emotion and weather? And am I wanting her to be just too thoughtfull, rational and considerate that its a little too far-fetched in expectancy? Mabe she is, but our adjendas are slightly different?

Im open minded and very understanding but cannot be 100% of the time yet. And im not her.

Do you think there is anything wrong with letting the woman make the moves in a situation like this? Am I expected to? does it depend on the person and situation?

Letting her decide when to meet and just going with it?

Would that become the norm though in the future? even if her transition period was over?

When would be the right time to ask for equal commitment?

nows not a good time with the divorce and all.... her parents.... her immediate independance and failed marriage arent going to rush her into another serious relationship right away.

Weve talked a lot.

It seems I just will have to wait and play by her rules.

But for how long? If shes happy with what we have now and im not?

RE: early relationship outlook

hi geminisoul,

I do feel good about the whole thing....

Do you feel the above quote maybe contradicts the following quote?

But for how long? If shes happy with what we have now and im not?

You ask a lot of questions that you are perfectly capable of answering for yourself.
I can see that you are an intelligent rational person.
Asking for advice is fine as long as you understand that the person who takes it upon
themself to offer you advice may not have enough information to give you what you need.

There is one person who can give you fantastic advice, that person is you.

If you could step away from this situation and read your posts with someone elses eyes what
advice would you then give to geminisoul?

Regards,
garyi.

RE: early relationship outlook

quote:

But for how long? If shes happy with what we have now and im not?

hi.

It doesnt contradict, because the first quote is in relation to my intuitive feelings and a sense that deep down everything is going well so far. And as it should be.

The second quote is aimed at specificaly the ammount of time we get aspect of the situation, that im not happy with.

see?

Also I feel her sister who I got on with Is a little jealouse at a deeper level of subconcious, and a few recent incidents have brought this new development to my attention. I am mabe making a hasty judgment, but I do sense an air of truth in that speculation.

I am aware on a semi-shamanic level. So these things appear in relief to me. So to say.. I can see below the surface (to the level that im capable of so far)

The way things happen can appear to be what its not sometimes. Like a reflection superimposed. So 100% clarity is not always possible.

I have re-read the thread to myself repeatedly. And I have no worry showing it to her. Mabe I wanted it to develop first?

We will see.

Not shure what I would say to myself yet tho.... Or I wouldnt be posting here would I?;)

Thanks anyway...

This place is very supportive.

Lotsa replys and hugs and friendly people. Especialy to newbies. Which is great.

Im Looking forward to your story!

Gemini.

RE: early relationship outlook

Hi Gemini Soul,

In my eyes, the problem lies with you and not with your partner. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to control her behaviour or make her give you what you want from a relationship. Attempting to control her by talking or asking things of her that she isn't giving will only make her feel pressured and push her further away.

This isn't as bad as it sounds, though. It sounds like your happiness is slightly dependent on her behaviour, and that you have fluctuating self-esteem (as we all have). My advice would be to make it a project to build up your own self-esteem (How To Raise Your Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden is an excellent start for this) and to fill YOUR life with the things you want and do the things you want to do - make yourself independent and excited about moving forward - while at the same time still cultivating this relationship.

When your girlfriend sees that you're independent and have your own life and are happy with her or without her, only then will her behaviour change. If she is interested in a life partnership with you genuinely, she'll move further towards you the more she sees that you aren't needy. You will become more attractive and seem more capable and strong. If she isn't genuinely interested in you (but it sounds like she is), with your raised self-esteem you'll be much more able to cope with the end of a relationship and well qualified in finding a new partner who is interested in the same things as you.

No matter whether your self esteem is high or low there is always room for improvement and the job of raising it should be worked on by everybody every day - because the truth is that ALL emotional problems stem from low self-esteem.

Build it and she will come. 🙂

I wish you luck.

Dandelion xx

RE: early relationship outlook

Hey Dandelion.

I see you are very insightfull and have clear seeing.

I feel you have made an excellent evaluation.

And what you said is very similar to what I have talked about with her. She says I need my own interests and hobbys, and friends too.

I do have many interests, and hobbys both sporty, intellectual and creative. But I have no friends anymore. And find it difficult to "hang out" with people who are wrapped up in their own daily affairs. I do go out and do things, But am lonely and that Is why I feel I want to spend my time with her doing all the things I dream of... Going for dinner, sport and visiting places together. I see other people in relationships where they do this. And I also see women who "complain" the man doesnt spend "enough" time with them.
This is why I feel down about it sometimes.

Your advice hits home. And You are correct.

Thank you so much for the help.

Mabe I will see you all around the board.
Love
Gemini.

RE: early relationship outlook

Hi GS,

But am lonely and that Is why I feel I want to spend my time with her doing all the things I dream of...

I feel for you. It's difficult when you look towards someone else for a solution to a problem that can only be solved by you because we're brought up to rely on our parents and it can be hard to let go of that very strong instinctive pull to carry on doing it as an adult. To be able to relax into relying on your girlfriend to cure your loneliness must seem like irresistable heaven. But you mustn't do it.

You must find ways to cultivate friendships. Make it a hobby. If you're only meeting people who are wrapped up in their own affairs, then maybe you could look somewhere else where people are more interested in others. And also I've found that if I care about someone genuinely their 'own affairs' become interesting to me too - and my affairs become interesting to them.

I may be wrong, but are you thinking more about what people think of you when you're with them, than being genuinely interested in them?

I think building your self-esteem should be your most important task over the coming months because until you care for yourself properly, you won't be able to care for others.

Good luck GS, xxx

RE: early relationship outlook

Hi Gemini,

On reading your post initially, it struck me that perhaps you were 'speaking out loud' to yourself as you typed it? I do this to resolve challenges that i'm facing and find that I can usually come up with an answer that way.

I agree with Dandelion's reply though - she hit the nail on the head with that one methinks - well done Dandylion, couldn't have put it better myself :).

From your girlfriends point of view though - I have been in her position and I will say that my personal experience was that I didn't want another relationship for a couple of years after my ex went. I looked for someone though - and it wasn't until i'd stopped looking and settled into my own life with my son that my present partner came along. that was 12 years ago now and i'm very happy.

Perhaps she is suffering the same dilemma that I faced all those years ago - she likes the idea of being in a loving, caring relationship but isn't quite ready for it yet?

If I were in your shoes, i'd follow Dandelions advice, enjoy life and when she realises that you're not worried either way - she'll come running if she's as keen as she seems. After all, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink eh? And if she decides not to come running - then she's not the one for you anyway!

Good luck with it and let us know how you get on from time to time.

Lorraine
x

RE: early relationship outlook

Thanks.

Interesting turn-around of perspective dandelion. heh. I guess I cant help it.

I do need to stabalise my self-esteem, not out of low esteem, but of of - like you say... "fluctuating".

I used to have a lot of friends, and do stuff endlessly. But as I am spiritualy open now, close friendships are not so easy. There is truth in what you say about worrying what others think, but that is fluctuate too. Im very confident and friendly & get on with strangers amazingly well. Something I never used to be good at.

It seems the tables have turned.

I do still live with my parents. I guess they just let me be, and i choose to stay. Mabe thats a good example to apply to her. just leave her and see if she stays.

I do want a famiy and house of my own more than anything. And she has no children yet, so things arent too bad. It could be promising.

So. Fill my time with more stuff.
Try cultivate more friendships and balance my self esteem.

Seems like a nice set of goals.

Ive achived a lot so far, so I know things can be done.

Great.

See you around.
Gemini

RE: early relationship outlook

Hi Gemni,
(again;)) I didn't mean to suggest that your self esteem was lower than usual. I have relatively high self esteem but it sometimes takes a dip towards low, I think it's the same for everyone. That's why I feel it's important to build it and not let those lower bits lead you to destructive behaviours.

Did I turn around the perspective. I'm not sure what you mean.

I hope my advice is useful - and I hope you get what you want.

Dandyxxx

PS How old are you?

RE: early relationship outlook

Oops. Posted that one twice then deleted it sorry.

RE: early relationship outlook

To be able to relax into relying on your girlfriend to cure your loneliness must seem like irresistable heaven. But you mustn't do it.

Never looked at it like that. And belive me.... Ive looked at it all kindsa ways most people cant imagine. (speculating..)

I am 27 years old in this lifetime.

She is 32 years old.

Thanks LH, dandelion and garyl.
Gemini

RE: early relationship outlook

Hi GeminiSoul,

I've been there.:) And now I'm on the other side of it. My boyfriend is 12 years younger than me and I've got an active social life, with lots of close friends and am ambitious and always off doing something. He doesn't have many friends, never sees the ones he does have and relies on me completely.

I love him very much and am happy with the way things are because I can't control what he does and how he feels - but I wish he knew how to make himself happier. I take him into consideration, but sometimes have to get on with my own life in areas where he's not included - and he just waits in suspended animation. If he gets angry at me, I just have to point out that I'm an independent person and I don't want to live a totally co-dependent life and there are things I want to do without him. I let him rage on until he realises that I'm telling the truth. It's difficult sometimes.

There's nothing I can do but advise him - as he advises me with my problems - but in the end it's up to him how he lives his life and what levels of happiness he chooses. I absolutely adore him and think he's 'the one', and want to spend the rest of my life with him and I would never see this as a great problem in our relationship or let it come between us, but it's his problem not mine. One day he may choose to do something about it - or he may not. In the meantime, he's suffering because he wants something from me that I can't give.

I hope this helps you to see yet another side to your problem (not that I'm suggesting our 'problems' are the same).

Good luck,

Dandy xx

RE: early relationship outlook

Thanks D.

Listen guys.

There is also another issue that I might as well discuss whilst im here.

Its her Ex-to-be-husband.

He has moved out a few months ago.
He is kinda an oldish punk guy. And at first her parents werent too keen on him, but over the years obviously as her husband, he became very close with her parents. They like him a lot and her dad was upset about the break-up.

He was over the other day & apparently stirring trouble. No-one apparently knows about me yet. Only her and her sister.

But her and her parents had an argument the other day over a different issue, and im just feeling that Her family might not accept me. I wont be able to replace her husband and that he will always be kind of special to them. Mabe I feel like being with someone who has already been married is a little wierd too. But as Im open minded, its not that troubling in mind. only in my feelings.

Im also a little paranoid about her husband and the future some. I am NOT scared of him. But he was associated with the punks in town who used to hang round the same pubs as I did with my friends a lot. And as I was loud and naively open then... egotistical even (as opposed to quiet now) it just worries me. Including the circumstances in which I met her too. Although I had never seen her before we met a couple months ago. Our meeting was synced up with his moving out. She rarely goes out in town though.

She does say I think way too deeply about things, but as a gemini its in my nature to anyways.

I guess my fluctuating paranoia can be the root of "all" issues. The source of all problems.

Gemini.

RE: early relationship outlook

Oh Gemini,

My immediate thought on reading your last post was that you need to stop thinking so deeply about all this. You're getting yourself worked up and it will only cause more problems.

So, where your girlfriend is concerned - try to relax. Get a few (more) hobbies and work on your own independent life for a bit - when she's ready, she'll come to you. (I'm not sugesting that you forget her - obviously keep seeing her but just ease off a little and try to enjoy the relationship you have now).

As for her parents, it doesn't matter how much they liked her ex - once they realise that it's over they'll just want her to be happy. If you can help her with that - they'll accept you and your relationship with them will grow. Until that happens, don't think about them.

All these niggles in your mind are blocking you from achieving both personally and with your girlfriend. (No offense meant by these comments, it's just a feeling I'm getting from what you've said).

Life is for living - go out and live and if this lady is the right one for you - then it will happen in its own good time.

Have fun
Lorraine
x

RE: early relationship outlook

Thanks Lorraine. It means a lot.

I know you said you thought I was kinda talking out loud to myself, but its important to sometimes just have a little support too y'know....

And This is a very special forum. I always read but never post. I feel very good when I see people with problems getting genuine support. Its a great place with very special people - I feel.

I like it.

My lady friend has invited me out for an indian with some of her friends and their friend tonight... so things look promising. I have only met 3 of them, so i dont know what to expect.

I will do my best to follow the advice that I know is true in my heart.

Thankyou all so much.

See you around.
Gemini.

RE: early relationship outlook

Update>

Hi.

We had a great time. I got on well with all my ladys friends. And we had fun later on chilling, chatting and me and my lady friend slept on the floor together.

The next night a few of us went out in the city, and again... It was pretty cool. She stayed at our house but we were late in & she had to leave early.

At this time I have to say that my lady friend is too good to be true. Not in a sense that I feel shes not for real, but In meaning that I cant belive how much of a dream come true it is that I met such a great person and good match.
She Is very affectionate, and strokes my hair, hugs me and kisses me, and shows interest, shares conversation and characteristics alike. We dance together sexy, and wink at eachother...and give sexy looks, ect... She is everything I could have dreamed up in a partner, and more. Im happy with no attention too, but i cant say im not loving every minute of her company and conversation.

But....

I just dont know If I can do this. If I can make it through. It so hard for me.

My rationality knows that things are fine... (or now im pushing it some)
But stuff keeps popping up in her schedule and I have difficulty handling it emotionaly.

Our communication is good, but Its getting like a pair of ninja knumchucks now.
(as an anology): I spin them round..... (showing skills in communication) but then go and over do it.....( it goes out of control).. I try too much when I should just leave it at that.... Them im fighting to get it back under control. (like the knumchucks going out of control and me nearly hurting myself).... And I only just manage (by ultimate trial of skills) to get it under control again. phew.

Sometimes we should just leave things alone for a while. eh?

I was so lucky, lucky, lucky To meet this woman. Like god answered my prayers or something.....

But Its so hard not to make a mess of it now. I feel useless with relationships.

Im pushing it now.... If I dont chill, her tone will change, as its very nearly coming to that.... And I will have messed up. suprise suprise.

Thankfully she is quite chilled and understanding too.

But she is now questioning my relaxedness.

She wants me to be honest. and know me for me. But acknowledges im changing and still becoming the person im going to be.

At first when she was on holiday for 10 days.. I really missed her. But pretended not to. Then She was pissed that I wasnt honest. and was pretending to be chilled. Her other holiday before that... I was extremely relaxed and never worried once. But this last one was a place I really wanted to go, and activities a wanted to do. So thats why i was pissed.

so now somethings just "poped up" this weekend again... Im upset. even though last weekend was excellent.

I "was" chilled all through this week..... "thinking" "wow..Look how well i have done". And this time, I truly WAS chilled out, and relaxed... And in no rush to see her all week.

BECAUSE.... according to the calendar.... I presumed... the comming weekend was free for us (as she was at another wedding sun/mon/tues)... But now this week she announced that she will be going away at the weekend. So that shattered my presumption and showed that... although I was doing well through the week.... When it came to the crunch.. And things changed.... I just still wasnt strong enough really for the unexpected.

Not that I dont understand the situation... As she has a friend over from abroad, who is causing a few shockwaves, but not on purpose.... just unfortunate timing and planning.

So I understand the situation. Its just bad timings.

Anyways.... I really want her to be with her friends and most of all be free and enjoy herself. I really do.

But that doesnt always agree with my feelings. So its hard. But Im trying hard to persevere.

My complaint is that she doesnt look ahead and try plan out stuff.

She IS thoughtfull. But sometimes when these things pop up all the time, Im gutted.

especialy when she say