Hello
If this is in the wrong forum please can I be quided to the right place for help.
I'm at my wits end how to help my mum who is 82. She had a stroke 3 years ago, leaving her wheelchair bound. She fell recently and had to go to hospital, who treated her badly. She came out anorexic and convinced she was dying.
Her only conversation (if you can call it that) - is she's dying, the pain she's in, etc etc. I've tried to explain how this negative talking is making her more ill. I've asked her which is more important to her - to be ill or well. She says well. But when I asked her why then she talks ill all the time instead of well, she says she can't help it.
I have a 2 hr drive to visit her and stay for 4-5hrs. I'm finding that her negativity is getting at me in many ways. But mostly because I don't know how to "change the record".
She has no interest in anything at the moment which doesn't help, anyone would be depressed lying in a bed 24/7. She is a manic depressant (has been on lithium for years).
Can anyone suggest what help I can get her to break this negative cycle ?
Thank you
Jane
RE: At Wits End
Oh Jane
How awful for you and for your Mum too. I don't have any concrete answers but just off the top of my head I guess somehow you could try to transfer some positive energy from yourself to her but doing so without depleting your self is going to be difficult. I think to begin with you've got to detach completely because I can sense that you're absorbing her negativity. If you simply exhibit positivity without going on at her or questioning her then maybe she'll just pick up on your vibes. I'm thinking here that you could maybe just waltz in with a bunch of flowers, put some 'up' music on, start chatting away about anything except her situation, bring out some old photos of happy occasions....maybe take her a silly gift like a cuddly toy and tease her into naming it...just generally be happy and bright and take no notice whatsoever of her moans. Only respond to her if she says something positive. But I don't imagine this will be easy especially if she is manic depressive too.
Hang on in there. And the very best of luck. If you need just to have a moan, this is a very good place. And maybe other people here will have some better ideas.
With love
Sunanda xxx
RE: At Wits End
Hi Sunanda
Thank you for your reply and helpful suggestions.
I have tried the upbeat cheerful method and she blanks it. Mid stream a cheery story she will cut it dead with a -ve string of comments - I feel sick, I'm in pain, sit me up, lie me down, I'm dying etc etc.
Your suggestion of ignoring the -ve and only responding to her if she says something +ve is worth trying. It will be a battle ofwills, I hope I'm strong enough. Should I tell her that I won't respond unless she is +ve ?
Thanks
Jane
RE: At Wits End
one of the processes from the abraham hicks material encourages us to write a list of positive aspects of the other person.
can you begin your list of + aspects of you mother?
it can be small siimple things like she has silky hair and can include things from the past eg she made delicious gravy
and you can also include + aspects about the trip there and back
Tigress
RE: At Wits End
Hi onlyjane,
Your Mum is 82 years of age :D. A great age; and she has 'managed' to keep going despite the dreadful loneliness and isolation of being a manic depressive. You should be really proud of her, AND perhaps now is the time to tell her.
At 82 years of age, she will now most likely 'live' in the memories of the past. She may not be able to remember what she did yesterday so much now, but she will be able to recall her youth, especially all of the good moments that she treasured. Why don't you ask her to tell you about her youth? Whats she did when she left school, who were her best friends, the war period, what did she do then, life at home, life at schooland so on. Write them down if you haven't all ready, because when our Mums and dads pass over, it is too late to ask about what their lives were like.
Let her go back to good times in her past. Her recent illness and bad experience in the hospital, will be memories that she wants to forget and by making her face the present - at such a fragile age - may frighten her more?
You work so hard to care for her - all that driving - and you yourself will be tense AND she will 'feel' that tension in you. So because she 'can't' change - you change and make the visits as memorable as you can 🙂
Love & best wishes
Publisher
RE: At Wits End
All lovely, positive, helpful replies here. 🙂 I'm not suggesting for one moment that Jane put her post in the "wrong" forum, but I have to agree with Publisher that at 82 it's highly unlikely Jane's mother is going to want to change,and wanting to changeis always a prerequisite of coaching.
My own experience with an elderly mother who spent much time alone was that if, when visiting her, I could engage her in conversation on a topic of interest to her, it was like switching on a lightbulb, and really helped to get her out of herself and relating to me animatedly. It had to be at her level though, perhaps a progamme on TV like a comedy or sitcom rather than a heavy documentary!
Holistic