I thought this might be the right place to get some feedback on decisions I have made recently?
After nearly 30 years of marriage I finally ( after a lot of soul/heart seaching) decided that I no longer want to be married. There have been problems over the past 6 years ( at least) and every time it has been me that has tried to make things right, promises from my husband are made and then a year or so down the line the old patterns in our relationship start to rear their ugly heads again.
This happened again a few weeks before Christmas and it was then I listened to my heart and decided to stop the pattern by getting divorced. This came as a great shock to my husband ( although I don't know why as I have always let him know how I feel and talk to him about everything).
Part of what has brought this all to a head is my decision to move to Somerset, something he has known I've wanted to do for over a year. The timing was right, our youngest daughter is taking GCSE's in June and then hopefully going to college and my husband's contract was ending in the next month or so. I work full time as a Reiki healer/teacher so I can do what I do anywhere. So, as you see I had thought it all out and moving by this August was the 'window'. I found a college in Somerset that we have been to see and my daughter ( after applying) has been offered a conditional place there in September.
My husband then came home and told me about 5 month's ago that he had put in a proposal for extending his job for 2 years and it was accepted. He said we could move in 2 years once his job finished and our daughter had got through college and gone off to University! I have always come second to whatever he has done in his life and I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore.
My heart and intuition feel this is the correct thing for ME. I have no emotional tugs about leaving my wonderful friends and all my family here in Essex. I have a plan on what I will do once I get established ( have run my ideas past the local Enterprise Agency and the man who runs it was really enthusiastic about them and thought it was a brilliant idea etc) so I know I'm not being unrealistic there because I have sought a professional's advice.
My husband thinks I am being totally unrealistic and keeps projecting onto me his own fears about change etc. He has asked for us to go for counselling but did that at my instigation 7/8 yrs a go and look where we are again! I keep telling that whatever changes in behaviour he feels he needs to do he must do it for his own future happiness and not for any hope that we might continue on together. I don't know how many times I have to give him the benefit of the doubt in the hope that he will change. He accepts that his behaviour has now lost him me but he says he can't imagine not having me in his life so he is asking me to stay but go down to Somerset for a few weeks at a time to start to build up my contacts etc. but I have said that this is not practical for the next 2 years!
We have had Estate Agents in to value the house and if we sell and split what's left after paying off debts etc we will be left with about £50,000 each. Obviously this is not going to buy me another house but again I'm not bothered. In my view as long as I can rent somewhere for now who knows what will happen in the future? My business could take off like predicted by the Agency or I might meet someone who already has a home , who knows? This is where some of my friends are throwing up their hands in horror and saying things like " oh don't do that, you'll never get on the property ladder again" my husband is accusing me of throwing away the only asset we have etc. To be honest i have totally detached myself emotionally from this house even though we have been here 19 years, to me it's just bricks and mortar.
Over the Christmas period I was mentally and emotionally 'ticking things off', ie
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
ORIGINAL: Reikiangel
Dear J.mmmm,
Keep those cyber hugs coming lol!Love and light
reikiangel
xxx
anything for a damsel in distress!!
[color="#9900ff"]((((((((((((((((((((((((hugZ))))))))))))))))))))))))
[sm=hug.gif]
J..mmmm
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
I thought I should come back and give an up-date on what's happened since I last posted as you were all so wonderful with your posts!
We never got back to see my friend because first her husband was ill the day we were meant to go over and then 2 weeks later my friend was ill so we cancelled again! I took this as a sign that we should be sorting this out ourselves and said so to my husband. Things became strained between us after that "walking on eggshells" is the term that comes to mind.
Anyway I couldn't understand why we had become so 'stuck'. Nothing seemed to be moving on and it felt that my husband was just hoping if nothing was being said then everything would go back to 'normal'. I have never had to start so many difficult conversations than I have done the last 3 months! In fact I have amazed myself that even though my stomach was churning at the thought of bringing up the subject with him I still found the courage to do so. Maybe it is of no surprise that around this time I developed a painful rash under my wedding ring which meant I had to take it off to allow the skin to heal!
Then, last week in the shower I had an amazing insight. I didn't have to get divorced immediatley! Turn this into a 2 year work in progress. His contract runs out in 2 years which gives him time to work on himself ( he has said he needs to work on why he did the things he did and it would take time) and continue training so that he can go anywhere in the country to work later. Our daughter will have finished college and hopefully be going onto University, our mortgage endowment pays out in 2 yrs (sadly not enough to pay off the mortgagte but at least a lump sum towards it!) and I can have2 years finding out if where I'm moving to is the right place for me. This way we are still a 'family' but doing our own things and all not under the same roof all ofthe time. My husband will stay here in the house`and I will rent a flat/house and we can come back and forward at weekends. I put this to him and although not too happy he said it was a better compromise than a divorce. We have now told the girls our plan ( he was dreading it as it made it 'real') but it went better than expected and they were more concerned about what we were ordering for take-away!!
So, things are a bit better here. We all know what's going to happen and our place in it. After 2 yrs maybe my husband and I will look at each other and see a person who has grown and we want to be with again? I have also said that we may go completely different ways but that could be a good thing too. So, small steps but all leading to where I need to be.
By the way I have had a wonderful 'sign' from the Universe that this is the right thing for me! My husband's biggest objection was that I didn't have a job to go to. Well I have had the local paper deelivered every week so i can see what's going on in the community I am moving to. Last week had a half page article on a new centre opening in the town. As I read it I felt that it would be something I would like to be involved in (they have a therapy room where people with chronic conditions can come for treatment). On the spur of the moment I rang them and had a lovely chat with one of the staff. I told her that I was a Reiki healer and EFT Practitoner and she got excited and said they would love to meet me and have a chat about what I could offer! And the icing on the cake is the initials of this group are CHI....LOL!
I am going to stay with Somerset Angel in a few weeks time and we will be going to see the centre and have a chat so I feel I am on the right path, as painful as it has been to follow.
Love and light
reikiangel
xxx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Hi ReikiAngel
YEAA!!
Brilliant. There is an transformation taking place, no attachment to outcomes is the best result; eventho' you may have a heavy interest in one particualar one.
All time occupies the same space. Doing it all in a month or two years is all the same. By stretching the time span you destress the process. Less getting attacked by several days at the sae time!!
Well done, a great move.
Love the signs, you are going in the right direction.
Lots of Love
J..mmmm
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Wow! That is so fantastic to hear Reikiangel - I think you are being so positive about this and moving in such a great direction. I know you were worried about how much it was hurting your husband - this way you are giving him the chance to grow as well. Fabulous. I'm so pleased for you - fingers crossed the new cafe comes off (I saw your post about that as well) and keep us posted!
Love and peace.
Cx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Dear Reikiangel I am so pleased that a solution has come to you honey. I hope everything works out for you and your family. xxxx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Dear Reikiangel
Thanks for keeping us posted. I was wondering how your were getting on. You seem much more positivein your self. You seem to have turned a corner and are going forward. Good luck and best wishes to you. I hope everything works out for you. Big Buddha 😉
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
LATEST UPDATE!!
Just to let you all know my daughter and I move to Somerset on the 11th August, and you will not be surprised to learn that the house we will be renting is occupied at the moment by the lady at the centre that I may be working at lol!!!!!
We went to Somerset 2 weeks ago for a meeting at the centre, for my daughter to have a meeting with her new Tutor at the college and then back to the town again to view some houses with the letting agency. All this on my birthday!
At the end of my meeting the lady who runs the centre said "you asked me in your last email if I knew of anyone who had a property to rent locally. Well, I don't know if you are interested but I will be coming out of my rented house by the beginning of Aug. Would you like to have a look at it now to give you something to compare with the houses this afternoon?" Of course I said yes and Somerset Angel, my daughter, this lady and myself set off down the road. The place is a cottage set back fromthe main road facing a mews and is like the Tardis. It looks small on the outside but is massive inside lol! We all fell in love with it but knew we had other places to see later. BUT, when we arrived at the letting agents they had already let the properties out without telling me!!!! The owner was very apologetic as I pointed out I had come all the way from Essex for nothingand he took us to view a 3rd floor apartment which was totally unsuitable. I told him that he had managed to ruin my birthday when it had been going so well and the poor man was mortified!!
It then turned out that they are the agents for this ladie's house and she told them that she had shown me her house and they have now bent over backwards to help me get into this house and even persuaded the landlord to keep the rent the same as she had been paying (which is exactly the amount I had set in my mindto pay).
PLUS, the work at the centre, although not ready yet because of funding let-downs, could now be bigger than originally thought. There is also a Health Food shop that has a slate board in the window with names and contact numbers for Comp Therapists and although there are 2 Reiki people already there isn't an EFT therapist soI have made contact with the owner of the shop and will be going back next week to see him.
All this happening has really re-enforced that my painful decision was the right one. The Universe has been gradually unfolding the next step on my path and feel so excited like a child at Christmas and I am just SOO grateful.
Love and light
reikiangel
xxx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Hi ReikiAngel
I have only recently joined and have come across your post. You sound to me like an amazing person.
Your original post was so full of self doubt but as time went on, it was obvious that you were gaining strength and were ready to make the move.
Taking a break after 30 years of marriage should be something other couples should do - I am sure that by the end of it, your decision will have been made - your husband may have even realised quite how unhappy the whole situation has been - for him as well as you.
I have no doubt that you will flourish and become the woman you know you want to be - probably have always been but due to marriage have suppressed.
You are an inspiration to others and I look forward to reading how it is going in your new life.
All love and best wishes
Clare[8D]
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Oh Reikiangel I am soooooo pleased for you. Aint the Universe wonderful! 🙂 Definitely the right decision for everything to just fall into place like this. Please keep us posted and my love and positive thoughts go with you on your adventure and new life. [sm=hug.gif]
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Hi Reikiangel,
I just want to say how thrilled I am with what has been happening in your life and also how wonderfully you have been handling it all!! It just goes to PROVE how we all have the power to create our own realities, especially when our lives are aligned with universal energy. [sm=love-smiley-009.gif]
Letting go of a 30-year marriage is a HUGE step for anyone, and a lot of people simply stay just because it's "familiar" and all they have known. They truly don't have the courage to make the change for the better. Good for you for recognizing that you deserve more and can create whatever you want for yourself in your life!! And by doing so, you free your husband to do the same for himself. Just wonderful!!! 
Please keep us posted as to the progress of your new life!! In the meantime, hugs for a job well-done!! [sm=grouphug.gif]
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
TIME FOR AN UPDATE!
For those who asked me to keep in touch lol! We are here in Somerset and have been so for a month now. My daughter has settled into college and already has made a 'core' group of new friends (boys as well as girls) and seems very content.
In just 4 short weeks I have sent out 14 covering letters to all the GP surgeries and health Centres between here and Taunton and so far have had 4 replies back (2 are keeping my letter on file for when they expand their premises), the local newspaper did a feature article on me (including a photo!) because they thought I was really "interesting", I am going to do voluntary sessions of Reiki/EFT at a local Women's Refuge. I have applied for 4 local P/T jobs and been interviewed for one (but didn't get it). I may be going out to Spain to see Magpie and she is booking me Angel card readings with locals so it will be a way of paying for the break...who knows, I could become international lol!
I am on good terms with my husband, we speak on the phone when needed and our daughter is going back to Essex next friday to go and see Wicked (the new musical) with him - they booked the tickets at the beginning of the year - and then she will catch up with her friends and come back home on Sunday.
(By the way she got an A*,3 A's and 7 B's in her GCSE results so I think we must of done something right!
Everyone I have met here have been really welcoming and I have already attended a Reiki Share group and been invited to an Open Psychic development circle which I went to this week and it felt like I had come home.
So, that's it for now. My parents are here at the moment and going back Monday. They really like where we are and my Mum has been so supportive and encouraging with her words. I did hit a major energy 'blip' yesterday when sorting out some financial problems and I felt so tired as if all my energy had been sucked out of me but Mum, bless her told me not to let others make me feel self-doubt. She's right of course, so tomorrow onwards and upwards, eh??
Hey J...mmmm any cyber hugs coming my way????
Love and light
reikiangel (from the deepest depths of Somerset lol!)
xxx
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Hi Reikiangel,
So glad everything is working out well for you 🙂
meridianmoon xx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
reikiangel (from the deepest depths of Somerset lol!)
A great place to be! And [sm=grouphug.gif]
Psst!!! You need to edit your profile ... it still says Essex 😉
Holistic
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Dear Reiki Lady I agree so much with what some of the others here have said - if ever there was a story to inspire others who are feeling undecided about whether to make a major life decision or not, or feeling stiuck in a rut - your story is it. Having been through pain and turmoil - you and your daughter have battledthrough andfrom what you are saying now life is and will only get better!!!! GO GIRL 🙂
Val x
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Great news and thanks for the update. I'd been wondering about how you all were doing.
Congratulations to your daughter - you must all be chuffed.
Have a great hol.
Sharonxx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Marriage takes commitment and sacrifice. If your not equally sacrificing for eachothers needs then the marriage won't stand a chance.
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
UPDATE!
Just thought I would let all you kind souls know that my husband and I have decided to give out marriage another chance. It's nearly 7 months since I came to Somerset and a lot of changes have taken place in both of us. Although it has been painful at times we both acknowledge that it was the right thing to do at the time and very necessary. Thirty years is a long time to throw away and neither of us were looking for anyone else and haven't met anyone else over the past 7 months so we know we still love each other.
Ground rules have been set and we know that this will be a totally new relationship for both of us. Old behaviour patterns will not be allowed into this new relationship and IF in the future they start to happen then we will know we have given it our best shot and that it will be time to part for good.
I will not be returning to Essex as our daughter will be sitting her A Levels in the next 18 months and I have a life here and about to launch a business with Somerset Angel. My husband understands so now the decisions to be made are practical ie do we rent out the house in Essex and he come down here, find work and give it a go for 18 months and then see what happens? Do we sell the house and buy one here or does he stay in Essex and get a better paid job so he can help out financially down here?
So, thank you all for your posts and support over the past year, it really was appreciated.
Love and light
reikiangel
xxx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Hi Reikiangel
I missed all your earlier posts as I was away at the time: but am so glad to be able to come in here and give you another one of those big cyber hugs to say 'Great stuff'. Wishing you and your family all the best at this time of new beginnings. I think you were very brave to follow your heart and now everything will flow, so don't stress too much about making those decisions about who will live where etc. I bet everything will just slot into place.
Good luck and blessings upon you all.
Much love
sunanda xxxx
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Congrats Reikiangel. 
I'm sure it will be better second time around - it can work, I know from experience.;)
AsSunanda says, your living arrangements will surely sort itself out, when the time is right.
Moonfairy
xx
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Hi reikiangel,
I wasn't a member when you first started this thread ~ but have just read it all through and I must say that you are one very inspirational and gutsy lady. I am so glad that everything is working out so well for you! I am also very happy that you and your husband have worked everything out all ok.
My parents have been going through something very similar andafter 23 years of marriage although they love each other my dad is no longer happy in the realtionship and they decided to seperate - yesterday was the day it actually happened! The house sale went through, and they are now in there own homes. I am worried about my mum as she sounds a wee bit like your husband and can't really see why it has all happened and is very sad and still very much in love with my dad. However I do feel that it is the right thing for them both and hope that they will be eventually happy.
I am so happy that everything is working out ok for you.
x
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
hi there
have only been visiting this site a little while still exploring, but have just read all the posts on this thread and it really moved me to reply. Having been in a similar situation last year and funnily enough i moved to essex.i have a fair idea of what you have been going through and how hard it has been for you and your family but you have to do what is best for you whilst obviously taking your children into account but do remember they will leave home and make their own lives leaving you to get on with yours. so whilst the children are so important dont forget you are also so very important.
you aremaking a very brave decsion but i promise you, you will look back on this and realise how much stronger you are physically and emotionally. everything seems to be getting put into position for you exactly as it should be its all happening for a good reason good luck hun and i wish you all the best from the very bottom of my heart
ps as for my life now it could not be better having worked in a job that was not ideal for the last 9 monthsi now start another a week on mon and have recently enrolled on a reflexology course which i have been saying i wanted to do for the last 6 years and have also made a wonderful friend who manages to try and answer all my questions on all the lovely interesting things that go along with it. will stop gibbering now good luck again x littleone
RE: Am I being irresponsible?
Hello littleone and welcome to HP.
Thank you for sharing your situation and your kind comments. I can't believe it's nearly a year that I left Essex, time has gone by so fast!
In that time I have gone down two dress sizes and am more fit as I walk a lot more than I used to. I have been so lucky to have found a group of friends and work colleagues who are on the same wavelength as me and here definitley feels like home. I have no regrets and neither does my daughter. She has just finished her As level exams and started looking at Universities for next year after completeing her A Levels.
We have just come back from spending last weekend in Essex with my husband to celebrate my 50th birthday. It was a lovely weekend where I caught up with my parents, brothers and friends.
As for what's happening with my husband and our relationship he is still working at his job that got extended but it will be coming to an end by next March. He has just started an Open University course which takes up a lot of his time. He has mentioned that we stay as we are until our daughter goes to University (Oct next year), then neither of us will be 'tied' to any particular area and we could look at going somewhere completely different, just the two of us.
I have decided to just go with the flow and trust the Universe to guide me where I need to be and be doing what I need to do. Somerset Angel and I have started our own business in February and have had promising things happen. We now appear regularly on Somerset Sound radio which is a lot of fun and we get to meet interesting people.
I hope your situation brings you as much happiness as mine eventually did. It IS hard but not impossible!
Take care
Love and light
reikiangel
xxx