Doubts...children or not? And how to combine with being a therapist?

Well, just to say I remember having this dilemma some 20 years ago. When I decided it was time to start a family, unfortunately I started having problems with my kidneys and the doctor decided against it. 10 years ago I moved in with the man who is now my 3rd hubby, and we always wanted children but I didn't dare take the risk. Now I'm 50 and I still don't feel ready to have kids - but all my friends are grannies!

So am I childless by choice? You could say that. I too never felt particularly maternal - although I did when my godson died - and to be honest I'm pretty glad I never had children. I believe my life's purpose is along a different path, and I trust that you will find yours whatever happens.

Well, I too felt like you when I was your age (I'm 51 now).
However I married a man who had had a vasectomy many years previously so even though I didn't feel particularly like having children when we got together (when I was 35) I just thought I'd cross that bridge if I came to it.

Well, I did come to it rather late about 39! Not that I knew I wanted children, I just couldn't decide. Long story short, with the help of a good therapist, we decided for my husband to have his vasectomy reversed. Operation worked, but 2 months later no sign of any sperm, let alone not very mobile ones.

I was devastated. I couldn't really believe it; I didn't want to adopt or have IVF (both too invasive procedures) - if I was going to have a baby at all I wanted to have one created by Philip and myself. The next 6 months were very hard.

However, I got through it mostly because of a comment a friend said, which was along the lines of 'maybe you weren't meant to have kids, and you unconsciously chose Philip to support that decision. Maybe your spiritual needs were more important'. This felt right to me, and now, 10 years later, I am glad I don't have children. The amount of hard work they involve is severely underestimated I think, but of course by that time it's too late, and anyway you probably love them! (which is supposed to make it all right, but I'm not convinced myself!)

However, it was a challenging few years in my early forties, when I was furious many times with the incredible insensitivity of other women in particular who appeared to look down upon me. Even now I sometimes find myself in tears at the loss of not having a child. Perhaps it's something that never quite goes away, but that you get used to.

You might find a useful site - and good luck with your decision making!

Jane

my ma had my twin sisters at fourty. after having me and my twin sis and my older sis.. she does find it hard to have had the girls so late in life but wudn change it,
my oldest sis had a baby girl unexpected but adjusted to the new setting. she to didnt want to have kids because she said she wanted to finish college and get a job and get sorted fot the baby.but when my niece came along she just seemed to fit into my sisters life.my niece is now 6months old and my sister if finishing her fourth and final year in college while minding my niece as awel. so u see even doh she was not planned my niece still fits into all of our lives. and even when u reach 40 u can still have a bay.my ma could do it at 40 and have a set of twins.:D

It is hard, believe me when I say this! I don't do my business anymore, but have done for the past 2 years. I decided to stop for various reasons, but working part-time evenings was tough as I was tired most of the time. I have a 2 year old and also pregnant again (8 weeks) !

I am going to wait until both are at school before I start up my therapies full time again. My husband was looking after my little one in the evenings, but if there are two, I couldn't expect him to look after them in the evening whilst I am providing therapies. So at the moment I have accepted that its not my time.

I think you need to weigh up your options. What is most important to you, a career or a child. I cannot advise as I've been very maternal from around my 30's. Never was in my 20's though. But I would not stress about not having a child over your 40's. There are many who do! you have a lot of time, I had my first at 34 and now second at 36.

Anyway I hope you find your answer and am sure whatever you decide you will not regret.

Hi

Its a tough decision to have children, expecially when you kind of enjoy your life as it is. For me, I too wasn't particularly broody at 30, there was still lots of travelling I wanted to do before I settled down. But I had my daughter at 32, I too wasn't keen on being the oldest mum in the playground kind of thing, and I always wanted a child to experience pregnancy and childbirth. We are toying again with the idea of another one, my daughter was 4 in Feb, but I too have stopped working as they just take up all of your time and we can't afford full time child care. Its mortgage money in london and I'd be working to pay for child care, which makes no sense to me.

I don't think everyone is meant to be a mum, if you don't feel broody and the maternal pull isn't there, why force it? It is a juggling game, and they do come first, I struggle most days wanting to go back to work at least part time, but I just don't have the regular babysitter or the money to pay for one.

So in my opinion, you probably have another 10 years to figure it out, but if your happy as you are, be happy!

Hi Pinky1976

I think there is never a right time..I had my son at 29 and he's 9 now. I split from his dad when he was 5 and have been doing a full time degree for last 2 years with no help from family, but luckily I have other mums that help me out.
It is hard work, I have a lot of guilt when I dont spend much time with him as I have a lot of studying, cleaning etc, etc, even though I doted on him and was with him full time till he went to school at 5.

You can always work around them, there are ways and if your partner is supportive then its easier. Unfortunately, its a lucky dip and you dont know what your child will be like..! but you would love them no matter what.

I would say dont leave it too late, I noticed from the age of 35 how grey I was getting, tired and generally more stressed. I personally would have had one younger. My sister had her son at 22 and shes just turned 40 and hes gone to uni, so the world is her oyster!!

Just see what destiny brings, you never know...

Thank you all for your kind replies!

I guess a have a few more years left, but would have to start preparing soon-ish, mentally and financially. At 32 I already notice my energy levels are dropping and the first grey hairs have appeared! My mum went through meno-pause relatively early, don't know if that's genetic but I don't want to take the risk to wait too long: close to meno-pause I guess the risks of something being wrong with the baby must be high?

I suppose if in a couple of years time I still have doubts, maybe it isn't for me?

If we would have children, I don't think we could afford me not working at all, so at the very least I would have to still do the three days in the "day job" I'm doing now.

I would like to still be able to progress at least a bit with my own business though, and would also like to continue my own spiritual/personal growth.

And having been in several relationships I know they don't always last forever. At the moment I'm relying quite heavily on his income, which would only get worse with children. And having parents who got divorced when I was young, I know it's hard on the children. What if we split up...?

Awkward question perhaps....do any of you regret having children at all...?

My views have changed a lot on the situation regarding partners, breakups etc. I have come to the conclusion that children stay in your life and are with your forever, men are often not. No matter if everything is perfect, things still happen. I will tell you in 2005 I had an abortion with my then partner, father of my son, because the relationship was bad, I was unwell, felt I could'nt cope etc etc. It was something I never thought would happen to me, or something I would ever do, but I felt between a rock and a hard place. I regret it every day, because that child would have been in my life and now I think I should have had it and so what if he left....! I still have problems with it. I never wanted children at the time I fell pregnant with my son, and had doubts then about my partner, but we went with it as we were living together. I think now he didn't really want me, but felt he had to make the effort for me and his son.
I have come to realise that at the end of the day, you don't know whats going to happen and things have a way of working out. The worst thing is living with regrets.. Sorry if ths is a bit too blunt, maybe I have been too honest, its just my opinion.

Sorry forgot to say, no I don't regret having my son at all. I think most 99.9% of people will tell you that, you just live your life with them there and that's it!!

I have no regrets at all. Growing with them, learning and teaching them is such a fantastic journey. The joy is absolutely undescribable. Going through each stage with them, now its potty training! I consider it a miracle having a child, so precious and priceless!

I've got two children already, one is nearly 13 and the other 12. I manage to fit in clients around them. I try to do most of my appointments in the day time but evening appointments are ok as I have brilliant neighbours who help and I know the kids will be sensible.

I've just found out I'm pregnant (9 weeks) but I intend to keep working as long as I'm fit and well. I still want to work after I have the baby. Things will be different and I won't have as much flexibility. I may have to just do a few weekend and evening appointments for a couple of years, but I know it won't be forever.

Congratulations Kerrijoanna, that is a surprise. When did you find out. Well we are fairly close. I have a feeling that my baby will be another premie! I am 9 weeks on Saturday. Baby due 5 December.

Thank you for all your replies, I find them all very helpful and reassuring 🙂

heaven spirit, I've pm'd you. 🙂

I have absolutely no regrets about having my children, but that's not to say its been easy! Having kids is hard work but the rewards are enormous. The more you think about it, the easier it is to talk yourself out of it - the broken nights, the drop in income etc etc... However sometimes you just need to take the plunge!

I've managed to work and study (massage therapist then hypnotherapist) throughout my pregnancies and the children growing up. In fact they have been a really big incentive in growing my business. There's no greater focus than knowing that you are responsible for a new little person.

I wish you good luck in whatever you decide.

Gail

Thanks everyone! I'm still not sure about the whole thing, but I'm moving more towards the "why the h*** not" end of the scale 🙂 Which I find quite confusing as it's pretty much the first time in my life that I am no longer excluding the possibility of having children.

And to add to my confusion: my brother phoned me yesterday to tell me his girlfriend is pregnant...with twins!

Hello Pinky

Gosh, your first paragraph really struck a chord with me as I could've written that word for word a few years ago. However I am now the proud Mum of a gorgeous 20 month old boy, and working as a therapist and I wouldn't have my life any other way. 🙂

I felt a very slight inkling that I may want children after all (do you have that inkling?) and worked on myself, mainly with EFT, that I had just discovered on these forums (circa 2004?). This resolved a lot of issues I had, and my inkling got stronger and stronger, until it developed into full-on baby rabies!! That is how it is when you know 100% that you do want - NEED - a baby!

So if I were you, I'd take my time to think things through, make lists, talk to close friends/your partner, analyse how you feel. Don't rush into it as it is a MASSIVE decision and not one to be taken lightly.

As for combining therapy work with being a new mum - it's not easy! It depends how much childcare you have really, and how flexible and inventive you can be with your time! 20 months on and I feel like I'm really building up my business again, and enjoying the combination of being a mum and being a therapist. And I know that as time goes on it should get easier; I'll have more time when he's at school.

So my advice would be to think it through carefully but not to be put off by the work/financial aspects.

Sarah x

I am childfree by choice, too. I never had the desire to be a mother or parent, no desire to be pregnant, no desire to look after kids (thus my having never babysat kids).

IMO it's nature's way of balancing the earth's population when a certain segment of the existing population has no desire to reproduce. With 8 billion on the planet, I don't think the human race is in danger of extinction right now.

Financial reasons are another important factor when it comes to deciding whether to have kids or not, too.

Hi Pinky!

I know it's a very late reply! I just wanted to say that before i had my daughter i didn't have a maternal bone in my body. Apart from my best pals kiddies others just annoyed me too ha ha! I fell pregnant at 32 - a big suprise as it wasn't planned! I had just bought my apartment and started a new job, my family live abroad and I didn't want to stay with my partner...nuff said :o) couldn't be a more difficult situation!

Anyhow, it was bazaar that i had an overwhelming feeling of wanting my baby so much i didn't think twice about keeping her. I do have a good job but as someone mentioned, your money just goes on childcare!

I stuck to what i wanted, if it is meant to be then so be it! So happens that we did absolutely fine, i stuck with my job too - i couldn't have been happier! i didn't find it difficult as a single parent at all, in fact compared to what my pals were going through i was doing very well.

Money was never short...don't know how?! and friends were lovely. My daughter was and still is happy and content. I'm a believer in fate and that things happen for a reason - i'm very maternal now, it has changed me spiritually & emotionally in so many ways that wouldn't have been possible had i not had my little girl.

We have all moved on now and I'm getting married, i have 2 step children that are close to my little girl. It's all turned out beautifully! Needless to say i put it all in the hands of god and trusted that he would look after me and i've never had to worry.

Positive thinking and what will be will be x.x.x.x.x. good luck pinky!

Thanks Butterfly! I still haven't decided on the matter. I can see myself a bit more as a mum, as I'm thinking about it a lot. But I'm not really feeling maternal still 😀 So it's reassuring to hear stories like yours, that once it happens, things tend to simply fall into place.

I don't want to leave it too late though: I think if next year or two years from now I can't see it happening still (and/or my partner can't), that it might not happen at all: I wouldn't want to have my 1st child close to or over 40.

Hi There,

Ive read all the threads on this with real interest as I'm 33 and in a bit of similar dilemma but just like you I have the financial committments to think about and as I havent met anyone yet, it just seems to be the most distant thing in the world to even contemplate happening and I'm not that mad about kids either. The only advice I can give is that you still have a fair bit of time left and at least you have met someone to share your life with and who can help support you with the financial and emotional stuff which is half the battle really. I do not have that sort of support or extended family who could help out so at the moment its definately out of the frame and I have 6 cats and a dog so they have become my family really and I love them to bits!

I would love to have cats, but my partner is allergic to them unfortunately 🙂

Yes I suppose at least I have someone, at the moment at least - you never know what happens in life - to contemplate having children with.

One of the things that puts me off having children a bit is the way the burden tends to (not!) get shared between men and women.

Despite decades of feminism, and the majority of mums having at least a part-time job, it is a very sad but true fact that the bulk of housework and childcare still comes down to the mother.

In my day job I'm an engineer and hence work with a lot of men. Many of them are (young) fathers, and if I was a man, I would love having children, like they do. Yes my male colleagues complain a bit about sleep deprivation in the first weeks, but they don't get up every time the baby has to be fed, get to "relax" at work during the day, while their partner not only deals with the baby almost 24/7, but also does all the chores at home.

Mum generally tends to do the nurturing and the feeding, most of the nappy changes, deal with illness, most physical and emotional issues etc, arrange babysitting plus on top of that they do most of the cooking and cleaning. And in many cases will have to go back to work at least part-time very soon.

Whereas the man is often still the breadwinner, and when the average dad comes home from work doesn't do much more than playing with their child for a bit, and maybe doing some bath and bedtime things. And take them out or play football at the weekend. They get to do the fun stuff basically.

I know that I generalise a bit(!) here, and of course there are many exceptions, but in my direct environment and family (my brother is just as bad) at least, this is still very much the way it is.

Even in pregnancy: one of my male colleagues brought cakes into the office today to celebrate his parter being pregnant with her first child. We were chatting and at one point he proudly said something along the lines of how he liked the idea (being an engineer) that he was "designing and building" a human being.

I pointed out to him that his contribution to that process doesn't involve much more than donating some DNA, and that most of the actual "engineering" work is done by the woman. 😀

I would like to think that I'm a modern woman, I believe in equal sharing of tasks etc, to a certain extent at least. But the reality is, even now it's just the two of us and I work 2 part-time jobs, I usually end up doing about 95% of all cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc and also deal with the bills, the landlord, etc. My OH was born in the 80s, but could just as well have been born a century ago.

In my social circle, after a couple has a baby, the man often gets back to his pre-baby social life quite quickly. They go to the pub with their mates again like before, have a few beers, go away for a weekend to play in a sports tournament, etc. Whereas the breastfeeding woman is glad if she gets the opportunity to maybe soak in the bath for half an hour. Having a couple of pints down the local is off the cards for quite some time.

As I am already struggling with my energy levels now, I just know that if we chose to have children, something would need to go: I know am not going to be able to have and raise a child in addition to doing the 2 jobs and most of the housework.

And after trying to "retrain" him for a few years, and failing miserably, I also know (and have to come to terms with) that my OH is highly unlikely to suddenly start taking over even some of these chores or do his fair share in nurturing, when a baby comes along. And my already pathetic social life would not be getting any better either.

So having a baby would mean giving something up: either my part-time engineering job, which would be great as I don't like it anyway, but I heavily depend on that one financially, or my massage business, which would probably plunge me into (postnatal) depression.

If I was in my partner's shoes though, I would have probably already wanted to become a father: as a man, in many cases, you basically don't really have to sacrifice anything (apart from your sex life maybe!), and in addition to the life you were leading already you get to spend some quality time with what is your own offspring.

So maybe I need to not think about wanting to have children or not, but about having a sex change... 😀

We left having a child a bit late, and in some ways it was something we should have done earlier.

But reading through your post, and this is a male POV, I don't think you're ready for children.

A child has nothing to do with your relationship "culture", but everything to do with your potential child being the fulfillment of your relationship. It's also true that many couples have successful relationships without having children, so in that sense you should never feel pressured into having children.

But from your last post, I'd ask if you're in the wrong relationship because you're not happy with the role your partner takes. There is almost a cry of helplessness over the male role, but it doesn't have to be that way. I believe all couples can talk about their roles and come to an agreement that suites them.

Perhaps I'm out of step with society, but I can't see how a relationship can work if both partners have different aspirations about life.

As I say it's my blokes opinion, and I don't mean to be critical.

Namaste,
Myarka.

Hi Myarka, yes I think you may be right: as a couple, in terms of being happy with the roles, there is definitely room for improvement in our relationship. 🙂

Part of it as well is that my OH is 6 years younger than me and hasn't really given the whole thing much thought yet. I'm just worried that he will be ready to have children maybe when he's 35 say, and then for me it would probably be too late at that point.

I have suggested to him yesterday to have a good chat about these things in a few months time, maybe after Christmas, see where we both are on this. I think you're right in that we'd need to come to an agreement about our roles (and then stick with it). I don't think I would cope very well otherwise.

I must admit that the last few weeks he has been trying a bit harder to do his bit around the house, so their might be some hope yet 😀