babies; losing your independance

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi borishater - do you really hate boris???

I'll give you just one perspective - mine. I never wanted children, but my exwife insisted and we had two amazing children. The marriage was dreadful and lasted all of 3,000 years - that is how long it felt. But it ended three years ago and I still have two wonderful children - adults now. Despite being hated for over 25 years by my ex, I would not change a thing. My two love me and they love their Mum, which is fabulous.

But it is a huge committment and your life will change for the next 21 years - since that is how long they may depend on you for support. How old will you be then, before you can be free to do whatever you like?

So if you want to do things now - ride a Harley coast to coast across America, take the trans Siberian railway to Vladivostoc, bum around the beaches of Australia, pick grapes in France - then do it NOW, because children will - in 99.9% of cases - stop all that.

I send you and your partner my very best wishes
Publisher

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Borishater

I haven't had children so have no great claims to knowledge with regard to this but oneissue came up for me.

Does the role of being a mother fit in with your idea of yourself?

That hasn't come out as clearly asI meant it. I guess what i'm trying to say is that if you are ready to have a child I would imagine that being a mother is very central to your idea ofwho you are or who you are going to be.

Another question - not are you ready to have a child but are you ready to be a parent?

Maybe i'm being a bit too profound!

Additionally i certainly don't think you are alone in your fears.

On a morepractical level i think it ismore accepted now than at any other time that mothers shouldn't give up their ownindentity when they give birth. I think having such a supportive partneris likely tomean that you still get'you' time and still persue your own goals.

But i still feel thats important that you can accept being a mother into your idea of who you are rather than trying to play off two sides i.e. you the mum and you 'you'.

I'm not sure i'm making much sense and maybe i'm being a little idealistic!

Good luck with it all

Love and light

Sunbeamx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi All

Thanks for your opinions theyve really helped.
Publisher - sorry you were hated for 25 years, must have been horrid.

I do see myself as a mother I suppose Im just trying to avoid responsibility, even though I know its goin to happen.

I know Mike will make sure I have 'me' time and will also make sure I dont lose myself as he's known me long enough to understand who i am.

Also, I know that jobwise he will support anything I chose, its just such a huge decision and Im a tad bit terrified.

Thanks though, Ill keep you posted.

xxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Borishater,

I can understand how you feel - I felt very similar after I had my first Child. Before I had children I was a real spontanious person and known as a 'party girl' I just loved going out and about. I also had my own business and identified with this very strongly. Amy was a 'suprise' and I think this is why I took so long to come to terms with the change of lifestyle. I felt everything I identified with was gone and didnt know who I was anymore.

Of course years later and a bit further down my spiritual path I can now see that my identity wasnt 'me' at all but an illusion created for other peoples benefit and I enjoyed 'playing' the wild child LOL It has taken quite a few upheavels in my life for me to realise this and now I am a lot happier as I am content to be 'me' rather than act out a part. Yes its still fun to slip into these 'parts' but I dont need to identify with them in order to feel happy 😀

I think it is important to be realistic that LIFE will change if and when you have a Baby. YOU will also feel differently about things too......BUT....this doesn't mean itcan't be positive!! What I think ishelpful is torecognise what is important to you at this time - Work, Hobbies?? etc I knew I wanted to continue to work and although having 2 kids have always had a job - I knew I still needed an 'adult' part of my life. Whatever is important to you make sure you can find some time for it and you will feel far less resentful of the change.

Gosh - this has turned out into a bit of a ramble LOL Wanted to reply as this I found the transition into motherhood quite difficult at first and wish I had had the courage to be more honest about what was important to me at that time, rather than trying to please my ex partner (to stay at home with kids). Once I had admitted this and started a small part time job I felt 100% better and because I was happy so was my daughter 🙂

Hope some of this helps

Vicky

RE: babies; losing your independance

Dear borishater

It sounds to me like you're not sure you want a baby at this time? If that's the case then don't do it. It's a big responsibility that last's forever - my kids are still my babies at 35 and 30, any parent will tell you the same - the responsibility is always there! Babies sure change your life, but if you want them they enhance it they don't spoil it. Good luck to you and your partner, I wish you much happiness with or without a baby. 🙂

RE: babies; losing your independance

Thanks Poppet. I really understand that a child is your child no matter what age, I myself see my mumand dadevery couple of days because if i dont I feel like Im missing something. My sisters are the same.

Ive always known I wanted kidsand really really do want to have them in the very near future, its just that
I have to ge my head round it a bit. Dont get me wrong, Im really excited and happy about us doing it but I think Im going to be a bit freaked out/unsure (thats meant in a kinda positive, never walked that path before way) until actually happens. Ive had my chats with my manager and our families so they are all aware that we are planning this, if I was in any way not happy I wouldnt have told anyone.

Thanks for the view though, it was really helpful.

xxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Dear Borishater

It's good that you're really thinking about this before you leap in so to speak - very responsible. Bringing a child into the world is a scary business because of the responsibility but there's nothing can compare with holding your own flesh and blood in your arms honey - so if you've made up your mind you go for it![sm=hug.gif]

RE: babies; losing your independance

Have just been talking to a friend who was in the same situation as me and she has just pointed out to me that to just go back to work part time meant that she was over £200 down which caused her more stress and worry but to go back to work full time she was about the same as she was before the child but had more stress and worry and lost out on time with her child.

Any opinions?? I was planning to only go back part time but have just donbe some sums and would be putting a lot of strain on my guy to make more money while if I went back full time I would lose out on the time together but would be quite ok moneywise.

How unfair...

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Borishater.

I have just had a baby, he is 19 days old.

I was out and about within 3 days of having Caleb.

I went to stay at a frieds house last weekend.

I am very much still independent, I just have a wonderful addition that comes with me everywhere I go.

I would say that there is no reason why you can't still be independent.

Go with your heart honey.

Having Caleb has been the best thing that I have ever done, he brings so much joy.

I wish you all the best.

Hails [sm=hug.gif]xx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Hails

Congratulations!!!! You sound like youre loving every minute.

Thanks for sharing, its great to have someone that sounds like me showing me you can still be independant. Its just what I needed.

On another note though, are you returning to work and how are you coping moneywise??

Hope everything goes well for you...

xxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Borishater.

I am hoping to go back to work 2 days a week.
I will loose money though, but I am hoping that tax credits will top our money up.

I am also hoping to find something to do from home that will top up income, but I don't know what yet.

Is there anything you can do from home ?

I hope you work things out.

But if you put off having children because of money situations, then you will never have them.

Kind regards

Hails xx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Mikes just gone self employed to am not too sure where we stand with tax credits, Ill look into that though, thanks.

Theres a few things I can do from home, Id recommend the Kleeneze to you if youve a few days a week, if the efforts put in it can be really good or the avon are really good to be a rep for.

Im not going to put them off because of money, its just really disheartening to think that you are (in a way) being penalised for having children. Without mothers we wouldnt be here.

xxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Borishater.

its just really disheartening to think that you are (in a way) being penalised for having children. Without mothers we wouldnt be here.

I certainly agree with this statement.

We are penalised for having children, although spending quality time with my child is more important, as you will proabably agree.

Good luck with everything, there is nothing more wonderful than creating and bringing a human being into the world.

Hails [sm=hug.gif]xx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi

I have to say, from experience. You have just moved in together. SLOW DOWN.

Once upon a time you "couldn't" move in together ... you "couldn't" leave. Now you can. Many ppl live together first, if you want to know me, come live with me.

In a year it could be very different. Unless you are very certain, take some time. REALLY WANTING to have a kid (to heal a previous wound?) sounds "headless chicken syndrome". I ain't saying don't ... just think about it 3,456,879 times first, and then once more for luck.

You can't send them back you know!

Best wishes

Love is great, enjoy the living of it too.

J..mmm

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi there, I just wanted to make a coupleof points...

I have two gorgeous children age 20 mths and 4.

When you have children your life really does change forever, and although I agree with Hails, you can get out and about, never underestimate the personality of the baby! My first was so easy, a real dream, she slept and ate well and hardly cried. I could do what I wanted, go where I wanted and it was fine.

My little boy who is now 20 mths old was the opposite, he wouldn't feed, wouldn't sleep and cried A LOT. He's still cries a lot now and isn't happy in a lot of situations, most of the time he's fine now but still has his moments! He's just a sensitive soul I think. I would not have been able to leave him with anyone whilst he was younger, but now he's started nursery and I am working part time.

Anyway the point I'm trying to make is don't try and plan exactly how its going to be after the baby is born, don't try and put to much timescale on yourself either you will put more stress on yourself. You don't know how you or the baby willbe afterwards, although amazing, it is still tough sometimes having tiny people who are dependant on you - 'popping' out is actually impossible these days!

You are doing the right thing by thinking carefully about it, and you will cope financially, somehow you will, my first wasn't planned and we were prety skint for a couple of years but we got by and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on being at home whilst they were so young.

Anyway good luck with your planning, take care and I know it will be an amzing and life changing experience! xxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Borishater

I can understand your concerns about becoming a mother. It is a huge rite of passage and not a decision to be taken lightly. I was very unsure about taking the step before I had my daughter but have to say that it has totally changed my life (for the better!).

If you like reading books, I recommend:Parenting Begins Before Conception by Carista Luminare-Rosen. It discusses preparing for parenthood from a physical, social, emotional and spiritual perspective with lots of questions to ask yourself.

There is more information about the book on my website in the suggested reading section.

Best of luck whatever you decide

Tamara

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi All

Tamara thanks a lot for that info about the book, really helpful.

J..mmmmm, we have only just moved in but have been together for 7 years so slow down does not apply. We are not having a baby because we really want a baby, we are having a baby as it is the next stage of us building our family and life together. It is not that we just fancy having a baby as, in all fairness, I have never been a maternal person so it has taken a long time for me to be ready for children.

RE: babies; losing your independance

Sounds to me like you just aren't quite ready to have kids. Having children should be something you want to do, not it's the next stage for building your life together. As you say you have only just moved in together and although you have been together for 7 years living under the same roof day in day out takes some working at.

I think it's worth saying that babies/children come in all shapes/sizes and temperments and you have to be prepared to deal with what ever gift you are given. If you are not maternal, nothing can guarantee that you will be when the baby arrives and this may make life stressful and difficult. At the moment it sounds to me that you are in the right place in your life for you just now, you are enjoying your independence and your job and a little one will change this, which could lead to resentment towards your child and partner.

I hope this isn't sounding too blunt, but I when I decided to have kids, I thought it was the right decision. I had no idea that being a parent is the most difficult job in the world.

RE: babies; losing your independance

I have been reading this post with great interest, as I am getting married next year and want to stay a family pretty soon afterwards. I to have been concerned with losing my independance but to be honest I have figured, where I go, baby goes and the baby will fit into my life not the other way round. That may sound selfish but the friends who have done that are far happier than the ones who's lives have stopped for the baby. Just something I have observed.

Afew things I have picked up on, although you may have been together 7 years there is nothing quite like living with that person. I have been with my other half 5 years, moved in together after 3 yrsand he would not even get engaged before we had lived together for at least 6 months to see how we got on. Thank goodness that all worked out!

My next comment, I am not trying to offend anyone, someone said you are being penalised for being a mother. I come from Africa originally and there when you fall pregnant, the company does not keep your job for you while you are onmaternity leave, they don't give maternity leave you have to use your annual leave, there are no such things as tax credits or benefits. It is purely you have a baby it is your responsibility and you and only you pays for it, not the government etc. So for me to have a baby I have to be financially sound and be able to afford it.

It is just another spin on things, that mothers here feel penalised yet there jobs in alot of cases are kept for them till they decide what they want to do, anything up to 1yr after the birth, they get money when they have the baby, and they benefit from tax credits etc. I realise not everyone benefits from this but a good majority do.

I agree it is something that has to be thought of very carefully and we have decided if we can't afford it we won't have a baby, and as selfish as that sounds, I won't be dependant on anyone to pay forour decisions, and having a baby is our decision. These are purely my views and I don't mean to offend as previously said, I just think having been brought up ina different country has formed my ideas, thoughts and views.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi,

It does feel right and we're going to start trying in spetember.

I just posted tis originally to get an idea of how other people have dealt with it. Im not having doubts and am totally sure that its the right time for me and mike. Im just trying to get a clue about how other people deal with it all.

Ive got that now so thanks to everyone for all your opinions and help.

Take care

RE: babies; losing your independance

My next comment, I am not trying to offend anyone, someone said you are being penalised for being a mother. I come from Africa originally and there when you fall pregnant, the company does not keep your job for you while you are onmaternity leave, they don't give maternity leave you have to use your annual leave, there are no such things as tax credits or benefits. It is purely you have a baby it is your responsibility and you and only you pays for it, not the government etc. So for me to have a baby I have to be financially sound and be able to afford it.

It certainly put's things intoperspective.
Iwill remeber this quote next time I complain, and remember how lucky we are.

Hails x

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi,

I have two kids, now aged 7 and 5, and they are wonderful. I can say that now, because they are both in bed asleep!

When I fell pregnant with child 1, I was a solicitor, working all the hours I could, and convinced it was me. I loved it, and I was good at my job! After he arrived, I went back to work quickly - he was 3 months old - 4 days per week, with excellent child care. I think my perspective had begun to shift by then already. After not too long I dropped to 3 days. By the time I was pregnant with number 2 a year later, I was very relieved to accept a redundancy package. I did go through a phase of feeling I had lost my identity, but that was more about moving away than the children. Being a Mum did make me re-evaluate everything, and having them and some enforced time away from work gave me the strength to really think about what I want to do - hence the aromatherapy training.

You sound like you and your partner are very much on the same wave length, and you have the ability to discuss things. He's also been through the irrational pregnancy and post birt hormone moments, so hopefully he'll be quite understanding. You just need to keep asking for the things you need. It's amazing what half an hour in the bath with the door locked will do while he does the doting father bit. The support of other Mums helps you remember who you are too, if you can get beyond the chat about the price of nappies.

Goodness. Not sure if that ramble will be of any help. I do wonder if I'd ever have got round to having my wonderful children if I hadn't had a little accident. Even if you do have to put a small creature's needs first for a while, in my opinion it is completely worth it, and it isn't forever. They grow up!

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi,

I really do think that we as individuals change all the time and having kids does bring big changes, but rather than lose your identity, I think you might find another part of yourself.

many women gain a sudden strength and independance of spirit they never knew they had when they have their kids.

My daughter wasn' planned..and had I planned her to fit in, be convenient and waited for a financially good time I guess I would never have got pregnant. i am glad i did...my daughter is much more than anything else..more than any money.

life is great..i am on my own and it has not always been easy..but I do tings for myself to..we manage and it gets easier again. She is three now and i can honestly say that we have been having fun ever since she was born.

I doubt that anyone ever feels 100% ready/confident etc, but for you i would guess you are quite privelgd in that you are in controll..choosing this and the time you want to do it..you have a loving and supportive partner..you are a thoughtful and careful lady...you will surely make a wonderful mother.

Whatever you do not know now..you will learn by experience...

yep..there are expenses and your time is less your own..but one always manages.

The only advice I would give you is to enjoy it!!

Hal

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi

I think that loosing one's identity and then finding a new part of oneself are part of the rite of passage and transition into motherhood.

When every child enters this world, 2 births occur - the birth of the baby and the birth (or birth again) of the mother. As the mother is born, the maiden part of us dies. This transition takes a while, usually up to 2 years to really integrate the process into all aspects of our lives eg social, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

In the workshops I run I use the metaphor of the symbol of a labyrinth as the journey into motherhood. The labyrinth is an ancient symbol which comprises a meandering but purposeful path. There is 1 way in and 1 way out. It is not a maze where you have to use your left brain to find the way. This is a right brain, intuitive journey. The journey encompasses 3 stages - letting go as you walk into the labyrinth (of being in control, of life as you know it, of your body in pregnancy and birth, of your career?. emptying of worries). The centre is about recieving - illumination, clarity and the way out or the labyrinth is about integrating - post natal period, empowerment, mother role. That is a very brief explanation but I could ramble on about it forever...

Regards

Tamara

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Tamara

Thats a great way of explaining it, makes tons of sense.

Thanks for that.

xxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Tamara that sounds really interesting!

Borishater,
hi there 🙂
I am a mum and it was a suprise. I was travelling when i became pregnant. not really convenient timing. I always knew the time would never be right, always knew i would have children. I lost independance to begin with, in terms of being at someone elses becon call.....breastfeeding ondemand and feeling guilty about not being with him24/7.
As he started to get his independance i also started to get mine. I am now back at work 3 days a week and about to go away for a week on my own......now thats a big step.
I feel i now have redescovered independance it just includes a little boy whom i love dearly andtogether we have independance from the rest of the world. The love I feel is so great that it really doesnt matter, i still have choice, if i need time out i will take it. The one thing you dont know about until you haveyour own childis the feling of pure unconditional love and that just for me makes anything that has changed just fine.

but i must just say, he is asleep at the moment and i hope he stays asleep for a little bit longer so i can stay on healthy pages

😉

Nev xxxx

RE: babies; losing your independance

Hi Nev

Thanks for that, it was just the reply I needed.

Hope he stays asleep a bit longer for you.

x

RE: babies; losing your independance

nev,

Enjoy him, enjoy him, enjoy him! (Your baby.) Make the most of his baby days. I can't emphasise that strongly enough - when he's grown up, things will be very different. (This sentiment goes for all mums of babies and young children.)

I mourn for my son's childhood, I really do.

Love,
Patsy.
[8D]

RE: babies; losing your independance

Aw Hal!

It was really nice to read your post, it really fits in with my idea of what having a child would be like.

Donna