Hi,
My dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease 15 years ago, at the time i was only 13 and didn't really understand what it was, only that anything with 'disease' on the end of it couldn't be a good thing.
I now know the medical facts about parkinsons but that has come no closer to helping me with the mental side.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the worse my dad gets and that makes me feel selfish because he has to live with it and he never EVER complains or gets down. Maybe half the problem is the closed book that is my familys emotions!
I feel angry towards my Dad, very angry, most of the time I can't bear to be near him, everything he does annoys me. All he ever does is joke and laugh, i guess because that is his way of dealing with things......but this just makes me more angry.
I love my Dad very much, the thought of him getting proggresively worse breaks my heart, I help him alot at home and always spend time with him to tell him new jokes and listen to his...and i do enjoy that...it just never goes any deeper.
Last week he was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma (on his nose) and again it hasn't been spoken about...it was a case of "The doctor looked at the lump on my nose and it needs removing" "oh and by the way it's cancer" I know its not life threatening but the closest we've got to talking about it is my dad saying "maybe this will make my huge nose a bit smaller"
I can never forgive myself for feeling this but I felt at the time that maybe it would be easier if something other than Parkinsons did take him from us.......that is such a terrible terrible thought to have, i feel so guilty, why can't i just be there for my Dad as everyone else seems to be able to do.
I have to do something with all these feelings, I can't cope with it anymore. It's gone on far far too long.
Claire.x
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Dear Claire.
Much love to you my dear - I'm sure your perception of things will change now you've found HP and you've started to discover EFT. It sounds like your Dad couldn't wish for a more loving daughter, what ever your difficulties in expressing your love - it comes through in your posts, and in the end he knows that, and that's what matters.
Sharonxx
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Thank you sharon,
I'm sure my Dad does know how much i love him, that just dosn't make me feel happier about the feelings I go through on a daily basis.
I appreciate your support, it makes me feel better knowing people care, there is such a lovely group of people on HP. I'm sure,having read some of the EFT manual, that it is going to be a huge support to me along with this great website.
Thank you once aain.
Claire.x
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Hi there,
I can fully sympathise. My maternal grandmother had Parkinson's, My father has Parkinson's and his only sibling, a brother, has Parkinson's.
In many ways, we are fortunate that my Uncle lives in another country, so we don't have to watch his condition head on - just see how it affects him in other ways, from writing to talking on the phone.
I remember watching my Grandmother going downhill and feeling angry and just wondered why life was so unfair.
My father was misdiagnoised to begin with - because effectively they kept telling him there was no way because his brother had the disease, he would have it - it just 'didn't' run in families.
This meant when he was eventually disgnoised, the anger I and my sister felt was immense because we couldn't believe he had missed out on treatment for at least 2 years. It was also anger that we, as a family, weren't being listened to when we kept telling those in the medical profession.
We are fortunate that as a family we talk through issues as we need to. It still doesn't stop me feeling angry at times - I hate seeing him struggling with tasks that he used to manage without any problem.
I suspect that much of the anger you feel is because you are angry mainly at the disease, not your father - this is certainly what I realised when I really thought about it after I began to really think about how I was reacting - and as time has gone on, the anger has mainfested itself by feeling angry with him. His apparent lack of talking through what is happening doesn't help this.
If you find it hard to talk to your father, do you have someone else in the family you could talk to? Perhaps your mother or another sibling, one of his relatives like a brother or sister - maybe even one of his parents? (Of course I don't know who else you have around you)
Have strength, and try to keep focused on the positive - easy enough to say and harder to achieve, but it does help.
The best of luck and keep strong.
Love and Light.
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Thank you for your reply Rune Tune,
All i wanted was to hear that I wasn't abnormal feeling 'those' feelings and that someone could understand what it was like to feel this way about someone you love so much.
It sounds to me that you are going through this whole thing ten fold, so many peole so close to you affected by this horrible horrible condition. You sound like a very strong person.
My Dad is an only child and both his parents died b4 i was born so the only people I have are my Mum and my Brother, my Mum is a very strong person and i have never been able to really connect with her...or definately not to the point where we can be honest with eachother about our different emotions concerning Dad. My Brother lives about 30 miles away with his wife and 1yr old daughter and works full time so our conversation time is limited and when we do talk he adopts such an 'adult' way about him, i can't really explain it but it's like he's mothering me!
You are the first person in 15 years that I have spoken to honestly about my feelings on Parkinsons diesease and my Dad who can actually relate to and understand what it does to the person with it and the people around them.
Thank you for responding and listening.
Claire.x
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Hi OM,
You most certainly aren't alone in these feelings. Since you appear not to have a family member you can talk to, try talking to someone in your GP practice to find out if there is a Parkinson's support group somewhere close to you if things get too much. There are plenty around the country - and many are also there for the family as much as the patient. You can also do this without having to tell anyone else in the family if you don't want to.
I have had many issues to deal with over the years, and so I know I am more able to deal with this than I would have been at your age. When I watched my Grandmother with it as a teenager, I really had far more anger than I do now. Unfortunately her attitude didn't help because she gave in to the disease. That really was tough because as a family we tried again and again to get her back up on her feet, but she refused to be helped and wallowed in her hardships.
The positive you have and I have with my father and uncle is they aren't giving in to the disease. So while its hard to watch, its knowing they are carrying on as best they can - and that is far better than watching someone sit back and give in (at least in my experience).
As for feeling angry - you will, many times. Don't be hard on yourself. Anger is a natural human reaction...... I have learnt one valuable lesson over the last few years - Don't berate yourself for feeling something - look at that feeling, accept it and then move on from it. If you try to avoid accepting the feelings, it will still be there, eating away at you getting stronger and stronger. It can also turn the anger you feel towards what is happening into anger at yourself for feeling like this, and it becomes a vicious circle of resentment and hurt before you even realise what is happening.
To adopt this attitude of looking at the feeling, accepting it and then moving on from it is something that is practiced by a number of spiritual religions and beliefs. It takes some practice - and continued practice, but for me it has been the biggest help of all. If you want any pointers, there are plenty of people here at HP who can guide and help you with it - and without a doubt, far more practiced than I am and so more able to show you how to use these techniques.
If you ever feel the need to talk, vent or plain 'cry' - then the board is here - or you can mail me privately (Click on the mail link in my profile) or PM me using the link.
Keep strong - you aren't alone.
RT
[sm=hug.gif]
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Hey RT,
I tried to send you a PM yesterday but not sure if you've recieved it or not?
Hope all ok.
OM.x
RE: Dad has Parkinsons
Hi you should now have a reply. 😀