I would some wise words on how to deal with some difficult people in my life.
I am a step mother to 4 adult children and find my step children difficult in the same way as I find their Mother difficult. They all seem to not be very honest about who they are or what they achieve. They exaggerate their achievements and successes at best and outright lie at worst.
My strategy has been to not pull them apart or point out the lies and exaggerations, but to praise and acknowledge them for their actual achievements. They never seem happy with that though and then seem to "up their game" a bit more.
Some of the issues are if we are out and about they will tell other people complete lies about their lives and I find it very awkward as I feel it cuts me out of the conversations as I do not want to join in with the lies but also do not want to point out that they are lying to the other person. Other people stop me in the street and compliment me on the kids achievements that are lies. I feel I can never say anything for fear of being painted the wicked step mother.
Their Mother has filled social media with exaggerations on her career (hasn't worked for 25 years, but states she has a degree and countless businesses - 1 example), her wonderful, happy family life (2 of the children live/d with us and rarely see her as she doesn't make time for them) etc etc.
My partner doesn't seem as bothered by it as me and says everyone exaggerates, but I honestly feel I don't.
I am starting to feel quite suffocated by it all and feel like I am living in some parallel universe that isn't real. It's like I am living in a theatrical play all the time and I miss having an honest life. I also feel that nobody values me in the family (immediate and extended) as I am just "ordinary" and not like the others who to extended and outside world are fantastic successes.
My first thoughts are that, clearly, the step children have taken on the characteristic of lying from their mother! It's about seeking approval, acceptance and love isn't it? Low self esteem is very common and they must be fairly desperate to employ such tactics.
As much as you praise and acknowledge their achievements, really the healing would be with their relationship to their mother. Do you know much about that? Is there something that needs to be done to resolve a situation there?
I do feel you could be better supported by your partner since it is impacting on you so negatively. It seems you also have a need for approval, acceptance and love from them all (no surprise, though!) I am not sure what would heal this situation....perhaps you could start with your relationship with yourself, i.e. what makes you feel good/confident and build from that. Maybe doing something that stretches you/pursuing a passion might help here. This would at least lessen their impact on you and may provide a more balanced perspective.
Thank you. I have this year started studying to better myself in my career but also to give me a sense of achievement. I have also taken up a hobby in the last few years which I enjoy. Both these things have been things I have wanted to do, not to try and compete.
I worry that this behaviour going on around me is making me "needy" for acknowledgement too as I feel frustrated nobody notices my very real achievements as they are much "lower" than the fake ones presented elsewhere in my family. Sigh.
My partner, understandably, doesn't like to feel that his children are being criticised and that is how my frustration must sound to him, so he pretty much ignores my upset nowadays and I simply try to keep my mouth shut and don't communicate my feelings any more.
The children are forever telling me how great their Mum is despite some not living with her, rarely seeing her and simply not really having a very good relationship with her. It's strange how loyal they are to her. I have never criticised her in front of them and have always encouraged them to have a relationship with her but they make excuses for her and for themselves not making the effort to see her.
Thank you. I have this year started studying to better myself in my career but also to give me a sense of achievement. I have also taken up a hobby in the last few years which I enjoy. Both these things have been things I have wanted to do, not to try and compete.
I worry that this behaviour going on around me is making me "needy" for acknowledgement too as I feel frustrated nobody notices my very real achievements as they are much "lower" than the fake ones presented elsewhere in my family. Sigh.
My partner, understandably, doesn't like to feel that his children are being criticised and that is how my frustration must sound to him, so he pretty much ignores my upset nowadays and I simply try to keep my mouth shut and don't communicate my feelings any more.
The children are forever telling me how great their Mum is despite some not living with her, rarely seeing her and simply not really having a very good relationship with her. It's strange how loyal they are to her. I have never criticised her in front of them and have always encouraged them to have a relationship with her but they make excuses for her and for themselves not making the effort to see her.
I was pleased to read what you disclose in your first paragraph. Maybe you need to assimilate your achievements, i.e. acknowledge and celebrate them! Do you have supportive friends?
Perhaps you could explain to your partner your situation more clearly, i.e. first by reassuring him that his children are not being criticised and then trying a new angle/different way of phrasing it to enable him to more clearly understand what you are experiencing.
It's right that your step children should praise their mother but it would seem that you feel their lack of approval by them doing this. I am sure they must appreciate and like things about you - do you know what they are? Have they said? Would they care about your feelings if they knew they were impacting on you negatively or do you not allow them to see the impact they have on you?
I do have supportive friends, yes, so that helps. Don't see them as much as I would like though.
I have tried explaining it to my partner in many different ways over the years. To be fair, I don't really know what he can do about it either.
Do you know, until you wrote about them appreciating me, I had never even considered that they might appreciate me! I think I must have expected it a long time ago, but then lowered my expectations and have now dropped them completely. They would never ask my advice or ask for my support, but then they don't from their Dad either, and I can't imagine they get much from their Mum.
Since you are unsure whether they appreciate you or not, that may be a beneficial avenue to tentatively explore! There must be many ways of finding out the answer (e.g. maybe your partner might ask them what they think of you, on your behalf); I hope you are pleasantly surprised.
Amy,
Thank you.
I know I can’t ask my partner to ask them. He says he feels he can’t even ask them to help at home, let alone how they feel about anything.
There are a lot of communication issues.
Amy,
Thank you.
I know I can’t ask my partner to ask them. He says he feels he can’t even ask them to help at home, let alone how they feel about anything.
There are a lot of communication issues.
Sounds an unhealthy, suppressed environment! Just because that's how it has been doesn't mean it has to stay that way though. Thereagain people are resistant to change and will only do so, usually, when things get at crisis point.
What happened on the last Mother's Day? Presumably you got some acknowledgement from them? Perhaps one of your supportive friends could sound them out....or yourself maybe? It can be done in a lighthearted manner/jovially asked i.e. not the stuff of interrogation.
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