Stressed Out

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial...

I am so, so sorry to hear about your suffering.

I don't really have advise for you as I don't know what your legal rights are against this kind of abuse.

I just want to say, I am sending lots of positive protective energies to you and your children.

Just one thing. If you move, he will find you any way at some stage and then you will have to move again. I don't think moving is a good idea before you have thought it through very carefully...

Hugs to you

Amber

RE: Stressed Out

Amber's right, there's no point in disrupting your own life even more unless it becomes absolutely necessary, and to be honest, if it's reached a stage where it's really that necessary then the legal system should be able to help you.

I'm no legal expert but I believe that it's possible for you to get some sort of restraining order taken out against him preventing him from coming anywhere near yourself or your sons and/or preventing him making contact with you/your sons as well. If he then breaks that restraining order he could be arrested. At the end of the day, what he is doing sound like threatening behaviour and, I'm not sure how much it counts if you've been seperated for some time, it could be classed as domestic violence which many people believe is just physical violence but in fact any form of abuse, whether physical, mental or emotional is classed as Dom. Violence.

Your ex-partner obviously needs some help himself for his conditions, but there's not much you can do about thay yourself. It's up to him to realise that he's ruining his own life (as well as other peoples) and that it is Him who has to accept there is a problem and seek help. If it gets too bad then the courts could order him to undergo professional help.

That's about all I can think of at the minute. Not much I know, but it sounds like a tricky situation and at least you've got the mind to seek legal advice about it rather than be scared off from it.

I wish you well and hope that your ex can get the help he needs and that you can start to live a more peaceful life again.

Love and Reiki Hugs

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial
I haven't long joined HP and I am distressed to read the amount of DV in the forum. Firstly, please do go back to your solicitor, the new Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004 came into force earlier this year and it has improved the legal situation for the protection of victims and gives greater powers to the police to deal with the perpetrators. However, I do agree with you that the legal system still often badly lets down women and children who are suffering from domestic violence. In many areas the police are far more sympathetic to victims due to greater awareness and improved training but still the courts seem to be lagging behind despite recent political initiatives. There is still a long way to go and it may be that you do have to move to ensure your safety. Credit to social services for keeping you informed.

Giles: You are referring to a non-molestation order with or without attached power of arrest but these are sometimes notoriously difficult to obtain without a great deal of evidence and often difficult to enforce. And you missed out sexual violence as a common feature of DV. If this man is schizophrenic, it is doubtful that he has much awareness of his actions but mental health is not my area. I do think it may be possible that he could be sectioned if his behaviour is considered a danger to others. This, however, is another contentious area, which seems to depend on the resources available rather than the risks involved.

Amber: Sometimes women do have to move to guarantee theirs and their children's safety and often the perpetrators are not able to find them but this, of course, is a last resort and it is why women's refuges exist and help families to relocate.

On a final note. These matters should be taken extremely seriously, women often are desperate for help which is not forthcoming. Two women are killed by their partners or ex-partners WEEKLY in the UK.
(Home Office stats)

Best wishes to all

Tucker

RE: Stressed Out

Heya Tucker,

Giles: You are referring to a non-molestation order with or without attached power of arrest but these are sometimes notoriously difficult to obtain without a great deal of evidence and often difficult to enforce. And you missed out sexual violence as a common feature of DV.

See, I knew someone would know the actual facts about the court order things. 😀
And I didn't miss out sexual violence as that was covered by Physical abuse. 😉

Love and Reiki Hugs

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial

I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. What you are going through is nothing short of a living nightmare. My ex-husband had mental health problems and displayed schizophrenic symptoms, although a proper diagnosis was never made. Sadly he committed suicide 3 years after we divorced and had only really been under the care of the mental health team for 6 months before that. He was never really able to see that he had a problem but he just seemed bent on making our lives hell.

He used to phone up and verbally abuse me at any time of the day and lied to his solicitor about various things. The police were very helpful with regard to the harrassment by phone but in the end I was advised to see a solicitor about obtaining a non-molestation order with attached power of arrest. I did seek advice from a solicitor but decided just to change my phone number (I live in Wales and my ex lived in Scotland) as my ex didn't turn up at my door, although I would have had to go ahead with the order if he had done this.

The solicitor was very helpful but kept forgetting that we were dealing with someone who was mentally ill, so I wished that I had looked around for a solicitor who had some experience in this area. She kept making suggestions as if we were dealing with someone who was rational and I don't think she ever understood just how ill he was. Actually, no-one did except me.

I can remember that feeling of being frightened and not quite knowing what he would try next. At the time he died he was in the process of trying to get a move through a housing association to live nearer to us. He had written to me to say he felt we needed him to help us and I was terrified he would actually manage to get the move. I would have needed to take measures to protect us as he could be very threatening saying that he would destroy us.

What I wanted to say was, if you can, please don't uproot yourself and your sons from a home that you love and being near to your sister too. Gather as much information as you can about your options and look at all the different things you could do to prevent further harrassment and intimidation. Your son could change his phone number and make sure his father doesn't get hold of it (e.g. I had to keep my new number from everyone my ex-husband was in contact with so as not to put them in an awkward position if he pestered them for it). Social services and the police obviously realise he is unstable so they aren't going to take any action based on his allegations. And even though you can't stop your ex doing this again at least you know nothing will come of it.

You could get back some control in this situation by organising some changes that can prevent you and your children from being directly at the receiving end of your ex's irrational behaviour. I wish you luck and take care.

Sandra
x

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial,

I hope you and your family are OK. I agree with Sandra that, if necessary, you need to get a solicitor who has experience of these issues. Your local women's aid can supply you with a list of suitable solicitors. Again, if necessary, you can go the legal route of injunctions, but they are only effective if the person takes any notice of them. I don't wish to be alarmist but they do have their limitations. Some areas also operate a 'Sanctuary' scheme whereby the local council will fit additional security to any main entrance doors and locks to any vulnerable windows and where possible will provide a safe room secured with a solid core door and additional locks. At least, they should provide you with a panic button. The police can also monitor your phone calls which will provide you with evidence of harassment. It may also be useful to keep a diary to record any incidents. I hope that you do not need all this information but it may be useful to others.

Best wishes

Tucker

RE: Stressed Out

Hi to everyone,

Thank you all for taking the time to send me your replies and warm wishes.

Just before I left to see my lawyer on Wednesday, my middle son told me that on Monday his father saw him outside his school and started shout abuse about me in the street, it was full of kids at the time. It just keeps getting worse!
I went to the lawyer explained the latest, and he is writing to the police and social work. He did say the police should be bringing charges against him, as he has caused a breach of the peace, wasting police time and spreading malicious gossip. I had already called the police when I received the letter and as usual, were less than helpful.

So called the police again on Wed, they came out and I explained the situation yet again! I told them I wanted them to charged him and I asked about the allegations he is making this time. They called me yesterday to tell me I now have a drink problem:D at least my days of drug taking, non stop parties oh and entertaining all my men friends seem to have stopped. (oh those were the days);)
They told me he has been constantly in and out of the station reporting me, and he is now reporting them for not taking action against me. They have said they are looking into it more (yeh right!)

I am going to pursue them to take some kind of action against him, as I need to try and get an interdict/injunction out on him. I called police today they cant even tell me who is dealing with it or what has been done about it(if anything) I think they always just try to ignore him or humour him till he gets fed up and goes away till the next time. Anytime I inform the police of his threats its always "we`ll have a word" then I never hear about it again.
He has been in court before for things he has done and has NEVER received anything worse than an interdict. He even got off with crashing through my window with a martial arts weapon to attack me, my kids were with me at the time. I had called the police repeatedly that day to tell them he was outside demanding to get in. Their reply was (as it was the marital home he had a right to come in )I`m always banging my head against a brick wall trying to get them to do something.

The big thing is, he was re-housed ten minutes away from us and his flat is 2 seconds from my boys school, he is always lurking about. He is not on any meds,or under any kind of care. He was tried with every drug available nothing helped for any length of time. Or he decided that it was`nt him that was mentally ill it was me. Its an unbelievable situation.

He has terrorised me for years now, he has warned me he will never stop no matter what, as he has nothing left to lose. Its really hard to keep plodding on with all this rubbish, wondering when it if at all, it will end.

I hate the fact that he is still disrupting our life. We only seem to get a few months in-between something or other concerning him cropping up. I tried last year to get a mutual exchange but anything that was offered just was`nt suitable and my kids really did`nt want to go... they see it as him winning if we left here, and I do too[:@]

Thanks for listening.

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial

I am so sorry this is happening to you and reading about the attitude of the police to your situation is making me very angry. There is an organisation in London called ‘Rights of Women’ and they have a free legal advice helpline which you can find on their website - , but it can be difficult to get through at times. Have a look at their website as it contains a lot of useful information. They also publish two handbooks on Domestic Violence and DIY Injunctions. I do not understand why the police are not taking your allegations seriously and that is why it is important that you now record every incident including dates, times and witnesses present and keep any abusive texts etc. If there is any hint of violence you should call the police and after they have attended you should be given a crime number (these do not prove that a crime has been committed but can count as evidence in court). He is breaking the law under the Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act and common assault, which includes fear of assault, is now an arrestable offence and under the Protection from Harassment Act where there are two or more incidents that cause distress to the victim. If possible, also try to get a professional advocate who is experienced and trained in domestic violence from Women’s Aid or Victim Support to accompany you to solicitor’s appointments and the police as my clients report a far more effective response when I am present! Also you may try to visit your local MP because (if he has been paying attention) there is now a huge political awareness regarding domestic violence. I know all this is extremely stressful, time consuming and exhausting but it often helps if you have as much information as possible and just keep banging on all the doors. I don’t know much about police accountability but I am waiting on an answer from a police friend and will let you know if I get any further information.

Best wishes

Tucker

RE: Stressed Out

Hi again,

Thanks once again for the advice and support its really appreciated:)

I had another call on Saturday morning from the police. This time investigating an allegation he made in January 2005! They even called over the radio to see if I had anything outstanding on me[:@]They made me feel like an idiot . I have asked again if they will be charging him and they have told me NO. I even qouted some stuff from that site Tucker, they were not pleased and told me I need the injunction first before they will do anything.

My lawyer has told me I need a witness as well. So where do I get a witness from? When the harrassment he causes is through complaining to the police and social work and I`m only aware of it happening when I get the police at the door.So yet again I`m just left waiting on the next time...Lawyer has said he will discuss it more at my next appointment.

The one definate thing I have decided is the next time the police come to investigate any of his claims, they will be kept outside my house. I`ve had it with them.

I feel so trapped and depressed. I keep trying to just get on with my life and when I dare to think that all the hassle has stopped, it always starts again.I`m either getting reported as unfit or I hear through various people that he is going about telling anyone that will listen all about me andhow I destroyed his life, how I dont allow him to see his kids, it never ends.

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial

This must be incredibly stressful for you and I can understand the temptation to move away from the area. To be honest, as far as my own experience with a similar situation is concerned, when I moved away with the children it helped a little but the threats were always still there and it didn't make any difference with the 'not knowing what he was going to do next' problem. As someone said to me at the time "some people have very long arms". I had moved 400 miles away and he was still making my life hell.

I was wondering if you had talked to anyone at Women's Aid. They helped me a lot and were very cued up on this sort of problem and put me in touch with the right people and contacted the Domestic Violence Team for me. I found them a real lifeline.

Sandra
x

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. Apparently you should get in touch with the domestic violence officer for your area, which may or may not be at your local police station. If you are not happy with the police responsethen you can phone and ask to speak to the officer in charge, which is likely to be the most senior officer present at that time. Ask him or her to look into your complaints and find out when they are next on duty to contact them again to find out what progress they have made.

There are new guidelines being issued to the police following the recent murder of Clare Bernal. The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) have published these guidelines as they have admitted to failings in the past.This new advice to police forces focuses on; handling of initial reports, ways to ensure convictions and ensuring victims' safety.

Please do contact Women's Aid as they should be able to give you some support.I wish you all the best and do let us know how you are.

Regards
Tucker

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial,

This is a dreadful situation. Your ex is focussing in on you because he has no other foci. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. I bet he doesn't go to work, or have any sort of social life. This means he has the time to harrass you and harrass the police.

I would definitely contact Womens Aid, and the Domestic Violence Officer at the Police Station (or wherever she is.) You can apply to the County Court for an injunction, or via your solicitor. All you need to do is swear an Affidavit. If you have proof, so much the better. Keep a record of all the times your ex contacts you, and if you need a witness, the Womens Aid will provide someone to sit with you when he attacks you or your property. Visit your doctor and tell him/her about the situation and say that you are under mental stress because of it. That will go in your favour.

If all else fails, you will have to consider moving away. This man is dangerous. However, you hold the power, not he. Remember that. Moving away is a very powerful thing to do to someone inhis mental state, even if it's only moving to the next town.

Let us know how you get on.

Love,
Patsy.
xxxxxxx

RE: Stressed Out

hi all, im new here.. please welcome me.
well, stress has its various forms.. because of my high profile job I too have stressed out.. Cant take it anymore.. Feel very sluggish and drained and fatigued. wonder how i did it all this while.. anyways.. what should i do to get out of this state immediately.. my work requires me to be on my toes all the time.

RE: Stressed Out

Hello druv, Welcome to HP [sm=hug.gif][sm=wave.gif]you should hopefully get some replys that can help you in your situation soon.
love and blessings
lightwinds
Wendy x

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Everyone

Sorry its been a while since I`ve been on. My situation is just getting worse and no -one can help me.

Its seems I just have to wait on him doing something when a witness is present. What they dont get is the fact he is able to harrass me using both the police and social work. The police continiously follow up his allegations with a visit to my home to check me out regardless of the fact that every time they come they can see immediately there is no problem with me or my kids. Then comes the letter from social work offering me help, so I explainthe history/background, they check their records find out he does this all the time.... Then it starts again with the big chap at the door regardless of time of day!

So far over the last 4 weeks he has reported me as being an unfit mother repeatedly, resulting in 5 visits from the police,andin this 4 week period I have had 3 letters from social work.

I`ve asked for help from Womens Aid, Police, Lawyer.

Womens Aid : They were`nt sure how "I" can get anything done about it, but suggested chatting to the Domestic Violence Officer at local police station. Or leave my home to go to a refuge...sorry been there done that (I fought long and hard to have the B****** removed to let me and my kids back home)
I do realise they provide a good source of help in some ways but I`m really upset today:(

Police : Absolute Crap!!!!!

Lawyer : Cant do anything without a witness!!

So I await the next big chap and get on the Merry-go-round again..

Or I wait for him to crack and come to get me. "Zero Tolerance" Its laughable no-one gives a monkeys till its too late.

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial

This is terrible, I can't believe that the different agencies you have contacted to get help and advice from have not been able to help at all. Its beyond me how, even now, people with the sort of mental health problems that can be classed as being threatening or violent, are still able to create havoc in other people's lives and the authorities don't bat an eyelid. In your situation, at the very least the police and social work department, who both have records of the continuous false allegations made by your ex, didn't bother following the allegations up and left you alone. It seems very one-sided because your ex doesn't get the same treatment.

I can understand why you are feeling so upset. No-one would be able to continue living this sort of hellish life for ever.

You mentioned in your first post that you were considering moving to get away from your ex-partner, since you have tried everything else this seems like a good option and the last resort.

If you moved away, would it be possible to keep your whereabouts from your ex, even if it meant severing all ties with friends in your current area? That way, if he hassles people to get your address or phone number, they simply won't have the information to give him.

I hope that you can remain as strong as you have been through all this and that you will get the chance to make your life peaceful. I'm so sorry you didn't get the help you should have got from the authorities. Take care.

Sandra
x

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial,

No wonder you feel so frustrated.But sometimes this is how it is. Nonetheless, there seems to be a distinct lack of effort by the professionals that should be helping you.Hang on in there and let us know how you are and what's happening. Let's hope that it goes your way soon.

Best wishes
Tucker

RE: Stressed Out

Hi Arial. I'm new here (this is only my 2nd post!) but I am hoping I may be able to help. In my 'real life' I am a domestic violence manager. Are you able to tell me which county you are in?

If you are where I am, I really really can help because there are LOTS of things you can do - but it depends on the set up in your county. (I'm in a midlands county.) However I do have lots of contacts with my counterparts in other parts of the country, so if you want any specific info please PM me and I will do what I can to help.

To be honest the sort of service you are describing is the sort of thing people like me are here to stop, through a co-ordinated approach. If someone came to me in my county with this story I would take it as a formal complaint and do something about it (at a high level too).

If I can help please contact me - it's things like this that my job role was created for.

Strength and positive thoughts coming your way.

Cx

RE: Stressed Out

Chrishta,
As Arial hasn't logged on for a couple of weeks it may be an idea to email her with your offer, as she may check her email more often.

Love and Reiki Hugs