Rape & Complex PTSD

And so when the silence is no longer forbidden, it is!
There is not a court in the world that can preserve me.
No man or women to protect me!
No law to spare me!
They still own me!
They took my evolution, so I have no metamorphosis!
I have felt the razor wire from my perimeter fence & one step over & I am dead.
No figure of speech no expression oblique.
I’m breathing in air that is totally fabrique.
My mortal being is not released & my wishing have ceased.
Justice is not a skeleton key that releases me, it’s a how dare you stand up to me, to us to everybody.
Back in the floor where you belong
deadened by the actions of more than the.
And with the most sinister smirk, they sneezed a penalty of a perpetuated choke.
They are still in my
Mouth, my private’s & stopped for a smoke. They could invite whom ever they pleased & I would be without consciousality!
A word that could almost pronounce me dead!
Only I am still breathing instead!
Don’t mistaken me to be lacking gratitude, rather I need the aptitude
to expose the corners of what happens to me. Even if there was not eventuality.
What if I just spill what will you do?
I mean could you really make me exist?
Or are you some sick messed up nothing with strength measured by tea spoons?
I’m not permitted to exist beyond this momentous time.
How do I then take this life of mine?
The truth is growing. It’s greenhouse roof space, only I am in no race.
I want to stop & take time out!
But I can’t for as long as you all roam about.

So much is not acknowledged
The community intact
I on the other hand am feeling over lacked
So much left unanswered
The community intact
I on the other hand am feeling left in the dark
So much is not exposed
The community intact
So much for collating all the facts
The community intact
I on the other hand feel raped by rats
So much for protection to explain the ring around
I am on the other hand consumed with pictures clear

This experience has not made me feel safe enough
to be sure I will still breath!

Every had a conversation with your self?
It’s frightening when opinionated, defiant & childless.
That’s my experience when so distressed I don’t know what to do. I have action energy like I can walk for miles, no matter my injuries, no pain at the time, no responsibilities, I am 15 & recently this 15 ya old has been very brave & stood in a court room.
She felt safe, there where ushers & a judge.
She was shown exhibits that shocked her heart & she could not hide the pain, the strike, the blow, the oh no!
31 years since she saw that place.
So days after & I had an argument, I got up & walked to what my family believed was bed. Only I had walked down stairs, put my coat on & walked out of the house resolved to the fact that I may never be back.
I walked feeling cold & confused into clarity of mind & mission. I was now going to walk to a destination, but avoiding public highways.
I would avoid anyone ever working out where I was.
I stopped at a chemist & made a purchase.
I then went to buy socks as I knew I needed to keep my feet warm so not to perish before I got to my destination. I buy a water to help me take my tablets & look at the shop petrol attendant with a smile, thinking he has no idea what I am about to do. I leave feeling pleased he didn’t.
I become hyper vigilant & suspicious about everyone I see.
I avoid them, double back & then walk down onto the beach so no one can see me.
I’m walking towards the water & the conversation begins. I am 15 speaking to my adult self, justifying the insatiable need I have to walk to the light through the water, the flash light was highlighting the way.
My adult self suggests I head back to the promenade.
Only this request is definitely not a priority!
The images in my head are mapping out my destination like I am already in it and just need to actualize the mechanics as to what I need to do.
I’m now in water only I can’t feel it & the sand has turned to mirror reflective water & I don’t know which way to go to get out of water.
Is the tide coming in or going out? I circle towards & away from the sea line & am unaware how much time passes doing this highly charged marching.
Circling & then I get so frustrated I turn to the sea & ask it what it wants with me?
I begging to shiver & cry, I’m frightened & alone on a lowering tide. I am confused why I am there & yet feel a huge amount of grief.
I see another route I can t y to get out to the location a HAVE to get too........

There’s a chapter that haunts me & yet beckons me.

So much to come to terms with
Especially as the terms have been written by so many.
The court room wasn’t occupied by me
For I was occupying my memory
At the points two worlds collided
I was lost & didn’t know where to begin
Only to find I had been there for some time
And with questions like magnets to tether
me to a different time
I was gone again.

There is something about the bend I just took.
It shook every single person I know off me & I could step out alone.
I haven’t felt so sturdy on my feet before.
I wanted & needed for no one but myself.
It was in that moment I found myself, right there.
We were alone throughout & yet on the stand we were together ❤️

Abracadabra
Abracadabr
Abracadab
Abracada
Abracad
Abraca
Abrac
Abra
Abr
Ab
A

Happy New Year Teresa - I hope things can continue to progress positively for you

(((Giles))) Happy New Year to you!

I feel very hopeful & extremely anxious that I am in a new decade. That the hand of time has shook my hand & said the last 4 decades are sealed.
And I am shown a landscape ahead with the biggest brightest paint brush you could ever imagine &
I will raise it high & sweep it low, as my life begins to grow & grow.
I have my lead & graphite too to print out some demons still in my head.
BUT 2020 is such a perfect shape, it would be rude to ignore the path it is begging me too take.
Hey watch this space x

The thing with stepping out alone is
I want to keep walking alone
The storm took so much
I presumed when on the other side
I would regroup
Tonight it feels like I have no village,
no tribe & am seeking a resolute
that would quake the last piece of earth
beneath me.
Yet free my wings & feet.
But to spread my wings now
would call “la chasse”
When I feel like a sitting duck.

Can I wean those who I nurse
Will they come to no longer need
Could they love me enough too
This disappointment is so great
It drills into my pelvic grate
And I can’t feel the fire here
any more.
My wounds fester & j am
treated like the court jester.
I was naked in a public place.
No one offered me a robe
I bared all & was made to feel
so small, I could have slid
down the gutter there and then
My body now causes me to
feel the remnants of uninvited men
this somatic won’t shift out of
automatic.
The pain is really debilitating.
And still I rise

Can I wean those who I nurse
Will they come to no longer need
Could they love me enough too
This disappointment is so great
It drills into my pelvic grate
And I can’t feel the fire here
any more.
My wounds fester & j am
treated like the court jester.
I was naked in a public place.
No one offered me a robe
I bared all & was made to feel
so small, I could have slid
down the gutter there and then
My body now causes me to
feel the remnants of uninvited men
this somatic won’t shift out of
automatic.
The pain is really debilitating.
And still I rise

Dear survivor

Court case in your favour, having a 'normal life', pouring your sorrow into these posts don't seem to lift it. Nothing seems to lift it
Something should lift it. What is stopping it?

From within the solitary confines of my mind
I found a gap that led to here
I found my words could send out a sign
from within the solitary confines of my mind
I didn’t notice the tally from within this thread
The nights I tried to escape my head
The burden of truth is what lies here
The victim of crime kills time
In the hope that the hands of time don’t
kill you first.
When no one heard, saw or felt the tremor
that shook my childhood ground.
The seismometer was my body.
When men didn’t leave footprints on
my skin, I mapped out their injuries
with blades.
I didn’t exist, my experiences where
crimes I buried in the organs they
bruised.
These organs stalled & often called
to be left to function differently.
And as for my heart, it beats at times
so fast it rhymes.
Solitary confines I lost what I never found
And now I am called to sleep
Not all bulb bloom
May I decompose in the confines
of my mind
I am not negative or down
I’ am welcoming the comfort
of becoming the compound
of a star
An excitement grows as
my light is allowed to
fade,
The only a gift to me
now is to be free!
Finally I get an
expiry date

Jack Frost saw me
The rising sun warned me
The mist hid me
The cold froze me
The tide stole me
Nobody knows me

Can you tell?
Can you read between the lines?
Can you understand the thin blue line?
Can’t you see what I am trying to say?
Can’t you hear me try to explain?
Some crimes are bigger unexposed?
Can you protect em?
Can you keep my family safe?
Don’t expect me to tell a local
I’m not planning on going loco
I’ve preserved this mind
so it can remember & yet
pickled it in fear it is suffering with
dismember.
I’m ready to speak, but who will hear?
I’m cutting into a protective fear
frankly I’ve had enough I’m
spilling anyway & there’s never enough
I’m not unsure I’m absolute
This next chapter is about giving
my selves an honorable salut
Therapy to day caused my mouth to spout
& I’m not very good now at stopping it
all come out.
I’m not tongue tied I’m seething with pain
please don’t make me relive it all again & again
It’s not for me to explain why I couldn’t
They did & they shouldn’t!!!!

And as she tried to close her eyes
The mind began to twist & turn
She had progressed through brambles deep
The secrets now where becoming impossible to keep
She would need to protest the need fo have protection that would help her grandchildren weep
As she has progressed through the years she has born beings that have tears
She is now in now in an awful mess
How will they live without her nurturing chest
She never meant to love them so
She had vowed by now she would go
She must now move far away & help her loved ones to stay
Her task is nearly set in stone as words become a sentence that will live on
Thankfully she will then be gone

It’ is beneath thy feet that life feels vacant
It is behind me that the earth feel uneven
There comes a time of great force & muster
That has me need to gather & cluster
For I am about to face the end
Of all that has my life suspend
I am but a fallible soul, whose fate
is written in an ancient place
My forefathers gathered here
Their descendent now is keeping clear
How does the sand of time run out
On a history that today will clout
I know not what lays ahead
I choose to leave the state to fate
My answers are muted by stubborn folk
While my questions remain in my throat
I’m not rehearsing, I have no lines
I’m stuck behind enemy mines
I won’t raise a white flag
I will do my best to hold my hand
Come let’s seek a number of options
As time may be left with a failed adoption
Nights night no sleeping tight
I’m preparing for another right

Friday’s bullet is so much stronger
As the weekend stunts a response
Only this Friday the realization is
that this bullet is fatal
The truth is bleeding out
& no one can contain it
This is bigger than me.
This is beyond me.
I don’t have time
I’m late for a very important date

How long is forever?
Sometimes just one second.
Who wants to live forever?
Wait a second.....

It’s oh so quiet
The time has come
As words are spilt
So eyes will tilt
As a heart finds
another beat
All the while
looking for another
seat
I’d cry if I could
But every muscle
constricted
I’ll hold my hand
and hope my reality
is not twisted
or directed to the sea
As all I want is to
still have me

And so it is
And so it was
And so it will be

I’ll find a spell
to sprinkle on my feet
so I might prevent my fleet
I’ll find a spell
to pace my heart into
a rhythm that marries peace.
I’ll find a spell
that wipes my
mind.
Wait! I’ll need a spell that
helps me remember why
I’m here.
Cornices & alcoves
skirting boards galore
I am but a Maison
without folk or knife
Perhaps they are
both too sharp
I need a spell
for invisibility quick
pick

Incommunicado
Keeps my shoulders with my head
ain’t a choice unless I wanna be dead
I got the message as antelopes leap
Reminding me of the connections
that are designed to prevent me speak
Lawless establishment with his merry men
Your bows and arrows are bro ken
Blood on your carpet, liars on your seats
Have you ever considered disposing
of your rape receipts.
Two appearances in as many weeks
Are you crouching to keep your head down low?
Are you regrouping, to decide whose next to blow?
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Wouldn’t you like to know
Yes I’m grinding your gears
My life’s become neutral
I’m not protected one iota
This ends with an aorta.

Stirring a fire from a flicker
My body has never felt sicker
An incarnation of separation
as well as a murderous exception
Being left for dead & standing up
leaves me in an arena.
I’m not free I’m surrounded by
those who are taken a back by
my audacious stance.
Only I’m not a gladiator
A tailored fear suit has been
delivered & it’s a perfect fit,
it would be given they whittled
me down to their measurements
of a girl that wouldn’t be seen dead
with them, so instead they made me
look dead next to them!
I’m stirring a flame from a flicker
& if I rise from these ashes.....

This reality is stifling my escape
I’m confined with toils & snares
while death strikes the blessed
I bow my pain & then it gets up
again.
How dare it call me out of my
slumber.
I crave an ability to starve this
killer.
Inactivate my bodies range does
not stop my minds rampage
I’m dreaming of rooms I’ve been
in before.
I’m slamming crashing smashing
doors.
I can’t get out, then I can’t get out.
I have dogs to 3am avoid, as they
hear the slightest of sound.
May I open the door?
May I slip away?
May I?
I’ll cut away at these tenuous
binds & will follow my
intuitional signs.
A calling at an impromptious
time will put an end to this
unharmonious time

Keep safe Teresa, this will all come to an end soon I hope.

Covid 19 silences me, barricades routes & sets up diversions that lead back to A.
It can be fuel for those who use power & control to keep their victims fearful of death, while also keeping them fearful of life. Worse it threatens to suffocate, choke or make me unconscious against my will.
A tortuous twist at the end of the road I’ve been on.
As two are locked away & I can breath.

I’m not signing up to another episode let alone another series.

Question is will another channel offer me a better deal?

How do I switch channels?

I can’t I won’t I will I did
How dare I think that I could
I have I swear I told I cared
How dare I think that I could
I’m little your bigI’m honest you lie
I hurt you laughed
I don’t need to know why
I’m brave your not
You could I stood
You coward I’m brave
You master have no slave
You never did I escaped
I wasn’t present
I never arrived
God knows I barely survived
I’m wasn’t alive
I think that now
I may try
To raise my head & try to steer
not into a career
Maybe into me, the one who was
used for fun
And should I die before I awake
know this, you made one almighty
mistake
You never had me you never did
as I resisted so did you fake
time with me was stolen & not a gift
I am a treasure of which you are
Forbid
Is rejection something you can manage
I mean your reaction did so much damage
Did I tell you that to me your dead!
There are a number of ones I accept
rapist can rather head to hell fest
it’s where you belong it’s your kinda thing
Where you can fantasize about your Next of kin
your power is a sin
a figment of your imagination that is wearing thin.
How’s your abode compared to the rapist road
Did you get stopped from venturing further
Good, your rancid smile is better matched within your
rapist attire
A side kick bloke a rapist too
I am now done with you & you
I’ll never know who else was there
Who saw me there or dragged my hair
I was no present to you sick mind
I wasn’t present when defiled
Your wicked smirk your dirty smile
I wish you nothing, you cant settle a zero score
I hope your happy in your surroundings
I am not gleeful in mine
I will very ever do more time

Brush up the pieces
with all the added grime
add it to the bin of other crime
Take it to a refuge
I can’t throw these human parts away
Take them to a refuge
I can’t it didn’t happen today
Take them to forensics
I can’t the victims nearly dead
Take them & them to bed
I can’t until the rest is said
I’ve picked up all the pieces
with added grime
I’ve got nowhere to put them
I can’t scatter them incomplete
I am so desperate to speak
This next chapter I thought I had room to keep
I can’t carry all these parts
I can’t take them anywhere
I’m out of options
I have no care plan
But I do care for a plan
A child would be given a care plan
A we can help you tell plan
A they can’t hurt you now plan
But they can plan
They can hurt plan
They can plan you don’t tell plan
I’ve reached a hall of mirrors & I hate what I see
Smashing them won’t set me free
Locked down has no key
7 days & I am free

Just wrote a thread & cut it
Like my throat had I dared.
It’s in these early hours I get
an urge to escape.
I use words here to exercise my
true desires.
To strike the truth like fires
Only there is no one to put them out
and all the while it’s my nervous system
firing.
Memories, threatening to be a deadly current
Is this living if sedated?
Is this telling when I dare not
He
Then
He
Then
Then He
And them
Then them
Then
No me
Then He
Then years later He
Then there was another he

The shame of not wanting to exist
The sadness that your the abyss
The guilt that you may be missed
The release from a life deformed
The regret that the body is formed
The reality that nothing can get better
The grief from a drowning soul
The dawning you don’t want to be recycled
The murder that took too long to die
The blaspheming need to express
When you don’t even want to get dressed
Where is the listening ear to an ear that listens
Not another word to pass these lips
There is nowhere over a rainbow that is by put strings of color, that detached the threads of me
Raped to death decades apart
I RIP my heart
you don’t get too restart
Rejoice the broken mind is free
She’s dead as dead as dead can be
Shut down the psychology
withdraw the treatment in a flash
dislocate the trauma jaw
with no pressure in the heart
Depart depart depart