Rape & Complex PTSD

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Star child,

you have taken off your emotional over coat, and are able to feel the fresh air around you. By releasing the crud you have been holding onto you have made space for feelings you don't usually feel & it feels odd.

I think you are so right with this, I also think this explains my fear of life, it really feels like I am exposed to a big bad world for the first time.
This may also be down to the protective bubble I lived in for so long, in denial was ok but physically I couldn't cope any more.

The feeling of not being able to cope is very strong, I now can't go in a lift, I can't fly, I can't swallow some days for the fear of choking.

I was convinced from an early age that I would die young don't know why?

Anyway thanks again!!!!!!!

Susan

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I have sent you a PM:D

RE: Can anybody help me!!

just wondering how you are doing....

T
x

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Survivor

I too was wondering how you are doing. I have written an article on acceptance which you can read on our website. It is tailored more towards my difficulties but will still have resonance with others with similar issues with low self esteem and with people still in their lives who are in fact the cause of their problems.

[DLMURL] http://www.talismanskull.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/AcceptanceAsHealing.htm [/DLMURL]

See what you think. I hope you find some insight from it. It is quite in your face so stand by with some tissues.

Acceptance is one of the most difficult things to acheive. Not an easy road.

You are very welcome to PM me if you feel you don't want to expose any more of your raw self on the web for all to see.

Colin

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi All,

It is like an out of mind experience!!

Susan

XX

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Well christmas is coming and more than likely that I will come face to face with my worst nightmare.

Oh how I wish I had the courage to confront the situation, although not even courage could help me as my nightmare is married with two children.

Sorry to sound negative.

I must say that healthy pages is like a bottle opener the difference is it doesn't stop working when you've opened up.

LOVE & HUGS TO YOU ALL!!

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Survivor
(((((((((((([sm=hug.gif]))))))))), I Wish I knew what to say or how to say it. My heart goes out to you it's daunting to say the least comming face to face with your abuser & pretend that all is ok . I can suggest that on the run up to this event you talk to yourself. write yourself a letter.. write it to 15 yr old you & tell yourself how he cannot hurt you any more, You will make sure of that. Stick closely to your husband. I know you're going to need strenght & courage & I will gladly ask the angels to help you with this. Invoke Archangel Michael for protection & Uriel & Raphael for healing.
Why don't you tell us what it is you're afraid of .. it helps sometimes to sort stuff out in your head & heart to see it written out or to just feel like you're chatting to someone.
Try not to let him spoil your christmas your only going to be in his pressance for a short time? i know what it's like to have to face an abuser especially when you just want to say WHY!? Why did you do this to me? but so afraid of the outcome & that no one would believe you, or worse still blame you. People talk of forgiveness & althought I have forgiven for me it was more about wanting to know why? One important thing i did learn is this is about control not sex.. remember that & it will help you stay in control.you have more resources now than you did then. 😉 Although i know it probaly doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Where here if you want to just blow off steam & have a rant or if you want to chat ..it's u[p to you which if any.

Meantime i'm sending you love & healing

Love & Hugs Maria xxx
Be strong hunni & remember it's not your fault.

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Dear Survivor

My heart goes out to you, sending much love and Reiki light to help you through. [sm=hug.gif]

I can understand you not wanting to upset the innocent (namely his wife and children) in this, so have you considered speaking to this person privately about what happened. Confronting him in this way may lay your ghosts to rest once and for all and allow you to have some peace?

RE: Can anybody help me!!

[sm=hug.gif] (((((((Susan the Survivor))))))) There are no words to describe how much I feel for you. May you be blessed and guided through this journey. I will keep you in my prayers dear one.

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Darling Susan,

As a kindred spirit who has experienced what you have, I know exactly how you are feeling.

Have PM'd you.

Love and kisses,
Patsy.
[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I would like to express my sincere gratitude for all the positive energy & love that all have sent to assist in my journey.

My heart goes out to all sisters who have endured a violation of their being.

God Bless to all & Merry Christmas to you all!!!

LOVE & HUGS

Susan
XXXX

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Merry Christmas to you too.

Hugs and warmies
Steve

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Standing strong Sue....standing strong...

as I keep getting told, when it gets too much, dont forget to BREATHE.....

T
x:D

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Ive heard that too!!

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Susan
Just thought id pop in with a BIG one of these for you[sm=hug.gif] to give you added strenght love & courage;), Take a deep breath hold your head high & love yourself you are such a beautiful being you deserve a fantastic Christmas.. you know where we are hunni if you should need us .

With love light & peace in your heart Maria xx[sm=1kis.gif]

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi All,

Well christmas day has been and gone and I didn't have to see anyone I didn't want too.

I am feeling rather low at the moment, perhaps my energy was high in anticipation of christmas day.
I had to mentally prepare to protect myself.
I'm not used to discussing me with anyone and feel as though I am full of I I I & ME ME ME.
I feel detached from reality, like I am viewing my life through a lense.
I have to make the images stop, its as though a heap of emotions have been stored in me and need to come out.
I have tears roll down my face and yet not a sound or a movement is made.
How dare I feel them, when 25000 people have lost their lives in an earthquake.
How dare I feel them, when children are starving in the Sudan.

God Bless

Susan
XXXX

RE: Can anybody help me!!

The preperation & energy you put into doing so hunni will be exhausting it is exhausting. For 15 + yrs you have put you you you on hold denied your thoughts feelings & emotions. keeping them locked up in an emotional box now the lid is open & they just want to burst out & this despite the hurt is a good thing because once you have felt & accepted your're RIGHT to have them you will move along that healing road a bit more.
You dare sweet lady because you have the RIGHT to .. God gave you feelings & emotions to have & to feel; not to lock up in that bopx ... you sweet lady are feeling YOU & how you are You my sweet lady are getting to know YOU!
It doesn't mean you can't feel for the other peole of the world but what your feeling right now is a big part of your healing process . Embrace it , accept it love it because it is you & you're worth loving. (((((((HUGS)))))) & right now you are facing your own earth quake while your two worlds collide. Never think you aren't worth yours our anyone elses love . There is more than enought to go around & more than enought for everyone.

Walk gently in peace love & light Maria xxx

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Maria,

Your picture is very appropriate, you are a guilding light to me and I am truely grateful.

You are a wonderful person and your wisdom comes from evaluating where you have been & what you have seen. I admire your ability to relay such powerful messages to me at the most appropriate times.

I thought angels existed in a heavenly realm, but you have proved to me that some walk the earth exactly the way that you do.

God Bless you Maria!!

Susan
XXXX

RE: Can anybody help me!!

ORIGINAL: Survivor

.... as it had attracted such abusive behaviour towards me. Don't get me wrong I was not dressed in anyway that showed off my femaninity, far from it as I was on a youth centre activity weekend, I wore a track suit & trainers. I look back and see how many years have been affected by these two men. I am grieving the loss of that part of my life.

It is like an out of mind experience!!

Hi Survivor...

I have read this entire thread and all I can say is...."My god, you are a strong, beautiful lady and even though you have a long way to go, you have come even further to get to this point!!".

I admire you for your strength especially as you listened to your heart when it told you to marry your childhood sweetheart, the brother of your attacker!!

Although my situation, of being bullied and subjected to daily beatings from some of the boys in my school, is nothing compared to what you endured, I did close myself off for many years...and in some ways still do.
I reacted completely opposite to my 'victim' days in school when I left, I turned into the bully, the huntress, the thug...I went out of my way to seek my bullies when I was out drinking with friends in the local clubs, when I found them, I looked them square in the eye before un-leashing my anger. I caused a lot of pain to not only them, but also innocent bystanders who were their friends. I'm not proud of my retaliations, but I'm certainly not sorry!

I have to say that if I was in your shoes I think I would have ended up in jail for GBH at the very least...probably worse!! My answer to the crime would have been..."I didn't want them to do it to someone else!!". I would have destroyed not only my future, but that of everyone involved.
I take my hat off to you Survivor, you have endured so much but kept it from hurting those you love and those who are connected to your attackers!!

Now is your time to heal. The people on this site are amazing, they are there for you and so am I.
Talking and time are the best healers. Only by actively par-taking in one...'talking'...will the other...'time'...heal.
I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say I wish I could take your pain away. I don't even know you but I am the type of person who will sacrifice so much to help someone in need...and believe me I would do that for you.

I selected that piece of text from your quote because I am a firm believer that a person should be able to walk naked into a room full of the opposite sex and not be touched...at all in any way.

((((Hugs)))) [sm=grouphug.gif] ((((Hugs))))

Bless you and may your heart and soul begin the healing process with the dawn of a new year!!

Jools [sm=dogrun.gif] [sm=dance.gif] 😀

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Survivor,

I have only just seen your thread. It tore at my heart reading what you have been through. But at the same time it amazed me, it was amazing because after reading all that you have been through you are still here, surviving.

SO much love and support has already been given. So many people have said so much that I don't know what else to add. So I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.

Things do get better, I promise. I am sending you light, love and hugz. [sm=hug.gif]

Much Love

Leigh

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Susan, I just caught up with your thread... oh, how terrible to have to deal with this, but your words and actions show your deep inner strength so in your lowest moments, remember that you CAN and WILL pull through! Try to look upon your tears and recurring images as part of the healing process - let them go, let them go and imagine that place of pain being filled with bright, loving light! It's a slow process, but a good one because in the end, you will triumph and be a stronger person for it.

If I may make a suggestion... you said you need to get the images to stop... one way to do this is to draw them. Get yourself some pastel chalks or crayons and paper and when the emotions are too much, draw, draw, draw whatever comes into your hand... just let it all flow and you will find healing that way. When you are able to, look at them as time passes and you will find yourself beginning to heal - the evidence will be there, in the colours and symbols. Art doesn't need talent - look on it as an inner voice which cannot be heard any other way.

I hope this helps you turn the corner into a better world for you...

Blessings
Otter

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I have to make the images stop, its as though a heap of emotions have been stored in me and need to come out

when you are ready to face your deamons sweetie you can stop these, I promise. Give it a go, for yourself for your family, to stop surviving , its not much fun, time to have a life and live

love
T
x

RE: Can anybody help me!!

hey me lovely hope all is well

thanks for kind words u have given me and i say same back to you, take care ur a great strong careing person

[sm=angel-smiley-027.gif][sm=hug.gif]

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Susan
Awwww what can I say? Thank you for your lovely words, you're a wonderful person hunni [sm=hug.gif]you are the one doing all the hard work not me , If the words any of us type to you help or comfort you even in some small way.. then it's worth all the effort all round
Carry on being brave, your doing great I know at times it wont feel like that. Trust me hunni you are.

Walk gently in love & peace Maria xxxx

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Susan

I just wanted to let you know that you are still in my thoughts. Hope you are ok.

Sending you lotsa love light and hugz....
[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I just wanted to say, well done for enduring such a horrifying situation for all these years!
I have just been reading through and as usual the HPers have offered beautiful, heart-rending and inspiring support. How wonderful for you to touch all our lives like this...your bravery shows me your inner strength, and the love you have for yourself to bring these feelings to the surface for healing.

I have only recently been trying to heal myself from a situation that occured when i was about 7. At the time I had absolutely no idea what the 13 year old boy did to me, I just knew that it was horribly wrong, and I couldnt verbalize it to my Mum. Unfortunately, the matter was dismissed as my mother didnt know the facts (not her fault)...this has left me with SO many issues to deal with recently....including a life-long fear of the dark, like you I just used to feel a huge negative presence above me whilst I lay in the darkness.
Various things have happened in my life...choices I have made based on the inner effects of this one event..and it is only now 23 years later, I realise how these choices have affected me. I dont even have a clear picture of what happened (thank God) though I doubt it was as traumatic as what you went through, I just remember the profound sense of "wrongness".
Just realise that by dealing with it, and getting the tools and support you need to do this, you will become even more stronger than you are now.

Sometimes I picture the worst images I see as actors on a stage..they are playing roles and trying to get me to take notice of them, they give me clues as to what my mind needs to be looking at in order to heal them. Then I thank them...they take their masks off and walk off stage...no more harm done to me.

you will get through this.

love light and blessings to you

tiger xx

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Oh Susan..
I just found this thread. It explains so much.....
I send you my Love and Light.

Love, Light and Laughter,
Amy

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Thank you all for your continued support!!!

Dearest Tigereye,

Your stage metaphor brings a tear to my eye, it does so because I hear it in the voice of a 7 year old with SUCH courage.
You have taken all the strength you could muster to remove these actors from the stage or back drop of your mind.
You must remember that you had no role to play in this act.

My heart is overwhelmed with the kind words I find on this thread & I sometimes read with disbelief that my nightmare is being shared with others.
Then comes the reality that what I have experienced has been felt the world over.
By so many different walks of people, oh how I pray that stories like these will become a form of history that will never be repeated.

I saw my nephew in town over christmas and gave him the biggest of hugs & kisses.

He will never know what his father has done in the past and for this I am truely grateful.
He is a teenager himself now and I have confidence that his mother will have instilled the best of values & principles in him.
He is as innocent as I was in this and I have made one sure step and that is to carry my own cross to bare.

Love & Hugs

Susan
X

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Susan [sm=hug.gif]
what a beautiful soul you are.... despite all you have ben through , you protect the innocent and it takes a wonderful soul to be able to do that:). I don't think you realise just how much you are turning this experience around .. I know the hurt is there & with love & comfort , explanations from the Adult you to the Teenage you will help to alliviate this. He cant hurt you any more love , One day you will believe that.. I know it can be so. Give your cross back to heaven Susan .. they will willingly take it from you. The more you share this nightmare the more you talk of it, the more holes will be made in the wall .. The more windows, will be revealed, & the move light will shine through so the nightmare will no longer be so,but will be replaced by a dream of light.

Walk gently in love light & peace Maria xxxxx

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Thank you for your continuing support!!!!

LOVE & LIGHT TO YOU ALL
Susan
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