Loneliness

Hi Chriselda - BIG cyber hugs :). It is always difficult when you move to a new location and have new neighbours who don't know you. We, as people, have lost our sense of community these days - all sitting in front of the TV watching (mostly) inane programmes and bad news and learning to 'shut out' the world. It is not good for anyone really.

Do you belong to a religious group? - regular meetings would get you in contact with people. Sadly the local authorities have reduced most non-vocational courses to almost nil. They were an excellent way of getting to know people and meeting up regularly.

Would you be interested in joining the local [url]Flower Club[/url], embroidery group, etc? - you could probably get the info from the library. U3A aren't the only group, there's Townswomens Guilds, NADFAS (decorative and Fine Arts societies) and WI who would probably welcome new members, especially someone who has just retired!. Whatever you choose do something that will stimulate your interest in what's around you. My parents joined a walking group, NADFAS and a book club when they moved and loved them all.

Hi Chriselda

I know someone who will talk non-stop and never once ask how you are but people say she is so friendly. How does that work, am I not friendly because I listen more instead of talk?

People typically have misguided values. It's the way society has been pushed over the years, favouring people who are extroverted and treating introverts as though they are anti-social or unintelligent. It sounds to me like you're introverted, but unlike the social perception of introverts, they (we, as I'm one too!) are not anti-social, and have been shown in studies to be some of the most intelligent people around (many of the great inventors and scientists were introverts). Just because introverts are not loud and 'in yer face' or prefer not to be in large groups of noisy people, doesn't make them anti-social, it's just that they socialize in different ways, preferring one to one discussions or small groups of well known friends. A recent book called "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain explains all the studies and research that has gone on to show how introverted people need to use their introvertedness to the best of their ability, and not put themselves down for being introverted, whilst at the same time not expecting that they should be like the extroverts.

The advice you've already had for joining various groups is great. I know there's not much funding now from the government for retired people to do evening classes and the like, but if you've got the money, it can be worth joining such evening classes, to learn something new and socialise with people who have similar interests. I'm a way off from retiring myself, but have done evening classes in art and pottery (got my A level Art through it) and there were plenty of people of all ages in the classes, and it was clearly a good environment for people to have a social get together, and perhaps go out for a drink afterwards etc. I made some good friends in those classes who we still go out with now even though we no longer do the classes.

:hug:

All Love and Reiki Hugs

Chriselda it is deeply felt, what you are feeling right now. it is true people are more lonely now then they were a generation ago, even 20 years ago. you are right people are not open in their hearts.
may I ask you how are you dear love? And you ask if anyone here feels lonely as you do.
Yes, I do utterly alone, amongst a crowd, loved ones, always alone, never otherwise.

you seem to care while others do 't reciprocate the same care and loving. you are right, loveless-ness sucks. it is alien to human nature and sentience.

you already have the answer, you just got tangled in the question-all over again. That is all. you are doing what will satisfy you.. The small glitch is that you are expecting others to reciprocate the same way. That May or may not happen. that is what is making you feel lonely and sad.
Deep inside everyone is capable of deepest caring. it is just the way....we grow up, get conditioned into a certain way of being. all for me, me , me. The society conditions us to grab more and more and give as little as possible emotionally and physically. grabby is the way of the world.

But the deepest core is pure giving. deepest core wants to give, When one can give and not care if it is returned paid gratitude for praised for...you start living in heaven....the flip side of it is hanging onto expectations of what others will do and should do.....that sucks and is hell on earth like a fire in your chest, that never vanquishes, just keeps burning.

you are doing right. just open your heart to care for the other not to gain anything but for the pure caring itself. Otherwise you are playing the same game. I scratch your back,, and you scratch mine. Pure misery arises out of that game.

start connecting with yourself and your wonderful husband from heart, become more available. You feel more fulfilled even after doing this for a week. In that fulfilment you will be satiated so much that it will not matter if people sing praises, have time for you or are not taking any notice of you . you will be free of this burden. people are self obsessed. Whatever they do is about them...it is never about you. it is universally true.
The so called happy friends, happy families, happy happy happy souls have also the deep dark secret of being lonely. They just wear the mask well and manage to look the part.
If one of your nonchalant crowd was to open their heart' they will have similar sorrows.
No one is a winner in this world. All carrying the same crucifix, in their own different ways...that is the joke!

Then there is deep aloneness.

aloneness is your true nature, not belonging here, not there, passing by, sheer chance. No friends, no enemies. Just ensuring that in this passing by, it hurts none

. you are already doing the right thing, just allow the rejection you feel. it will becomes jumping board to contentment. Which is a deeply personal feeling it does not come by someone else's actions.
within your being, aloneness reigns.
embrace this loneliness, it will open up something significant.

if you ever in pembrokeshire, I invite you to spend a few days with us. I would be very pleased to enjoy your marvellous company for a few days. Doors are open, so is heart, enter if you will. It will be the case of when "lonely met lonely"!

Hello Chriselda,

You are not alone - I too have felt lonely all my life. Sometimes I feel it less, but it usually reappears. I'm definitely an introvert and do find it easy to spend lots of time alone - the challenge comes when I want to be social, probably because I don't have a ready-made group to which I can attach myself. Also, I'm fed up of being mistaken for being shy. There's nothing more patronising than an irritating extrovert who thinks that he or she is doing you a social favour by encouraging you to 'join in and stop being shy'.

From watching people a few years ago, during some very painful feelings of loneliness, I realised that most people are lonely at some level or another - and for those that aren't, it's only going to take some change in the structure of their life - bereavement or unemployment - to create loneliness.

Jnani definitely has a point when she says to embrace it - I'm not quite there yet.

Alison

Thank you for replies. Not wanting to sound ungrateful, but honestly over the years tried it all 'got the t.shirt' Night classes, day classes (none available now) Even if there were I couldn't afford them with not working. Joined a book club couple of years ago the books were in a disgraceful state, dropping to bits and scruffy 😮 also generally people there were only interested in gossiping. I am not religious so related matters would not help me at all.

I thought about working in a charity shop but I have this phobia about buttons :022: it would just be my luck to be asked to sit out back sewing them on old clothes YUK ha ha.

Thanks again, I am still open to any new suggestions though :039:

p.s. I am not really introvert or extrovert - more in the middle