Internal landscapes - External reality

Cathedrals, chapels, ruins & graves
All internal landscapes inside this human nave.
Spiral stairs, straight ones too.
Made with cold stone that have been carved
into ravines for emotions to dwell
Some still so deep, they are labeled don’t tell..
Building bridges has been my permanent chore.
And then when I cast my hope forward, I look down & see a reflection that hits me to my core.
With nails & actions, I can batten down my
internal floor.
Basement bound with tape, not from officials, rather from my living dead.
Some footprints give my heart an attack
of fear rather than cardiac.
Some deadly diseases are best left frozen
in time & intact.
Only my insides are burning up & these
corpse are beginning to smell.
The last autopsy report said “If only they
could tell”.
I’m here & my tongue is burdened with
words. That once spoken will open my
internal flood gate.
Hush now & hold ammonia to your nose,
these corpses need to be left to decompose.

Cast forth the truth upon the current plain
It is with desperation I need to explain
I’m stuck not in the torture or pain
I’m stuck in the reality again & again.
Cast forth my freedom into a forthcoming day
When I may wake without a mind full of thunderous scum.
Dreaming of a less burdened mind, is as useful as a crumbling spine.
It won’t stand in my life time, as acceptance at midnight again does chime.
Outward sparkles an endless wonder, to serve those who for love they hunger.
I’m but passing through, surviving on the image of a different shoe.
To step upon a hallow ground & learn my sentence is dumbfound.
Oh to walk with free foot & mouth.
I settle for a breath in lung & accept my life still musters fun.
Yet in the well of tormented emotional seas, I sink more than swim & practice light yet in energy end up more dim

The stillness tormented me
agitates & bakes me
Inside I am not still!
The silence frightens me
with out sound I can’t tell what lurks
Inside I am not silent!
Combined stillness & silence
have me believe annihilation
has obliterated everything,
everyone & all of me.
Inside I often feel annihilated
There was no end, in fact after
silence came joint forces
to obliterate me.
I was silent & still
because some kill
and I’m still walking
Internal & external landscapes
are still miles apart
Just like the rapid change
of the beat in my heart
Roller coaster living with
no fun fair in sight
I’m screaming let me off
yet holding on tight
if only I don’t have to
face my fears again
tonight
Sleep is neither external
or internal, it’s a place
In between
Where battles are waged
resisted & fought
if only I didn’t have so
much to sort.

From in this tomb I draw my knees
and turn although in an awkward squeeze
I raise and stand with all my being
My beating heart tells me it’s for living
Hyper vigilant, anxious too, I know who
knows the enormity of seeing this through.
No wonder my silence was so pronounced
while I had yet to process the life that came
unannounced.
I saw, I heard, I felt I died
Where else, but in a tomb would I hide.
I am the walking dead & you can’t kill what’s already said.
I’ve chapters that are encrypted
Volumes that have an unfathomable code
I’m in every step I walk & every word I speak.
And I’m not in the secret others wish I would keep.

Time to say goodbye
As my inside life flies away
Though the shell that is left
Leaves nothing to perplex
Time to bow out gently
Take n action quite contrary
Lay me down on pastures new
Leave my body leave my body
Cut me down or steak me up
I am not of you
Bury me deep, don’t shallow my
grave
Leave my wake to be of a watering hole
Where many feed & leave forlorn
I bow to thee of faith & wisdom
I quench my thirst on equilibrium
But when living is too heavy
In here is a mutant thread
Designed to survive but is
more content dead
Leave my body
I am all said

I’m not going to die with my music still in me!
Despite my words, I have not sung yet.
And when I do it will be on the tallest mountain
& resonate with the deepest sea.
I’m getting ready for the birth of me!

Who’d of thought?
I should have!
When friendly fire is not for fun
Rather hoped, no pray, no begged
That you would not raise your threatening head
Your not alone there are many
Who needs a tropical storm, when they are not yet steady.
When no Colours match your flag at all
You know your waging a one women war
Only I can’t fight & I can’t pretend, my defenses
have their resignations penned.
I have no white flag, it’s stained in blood
I can’t down arms when I have none.
Where does the prey go to sleep
When they have been running with 3 decades of truth.
It’s ok I have my lipstick on
A little bit of me that fakes being ok.
Go ahead steal my words
but they didn’t come from the life you’ve led.
Sadly these are not a literacy stake.
They are the remnants of my life for god sake!
You think this is about the past? when I live with wolves that
like to see me dance.
They don’t allow a new day, they are only interested in playing with their prey.
You can’t heal if your under constant fire.
Your only hope is a hit man for hire.
But that won’t buy me freedom, ever.
Which way does my life pull? clockwise or anti?
either way I’m heading down the plug hole.
My song is an Honour cry, only problem is my throats bone dry. So finger points & words come here,
They are selfishly mine, selfishly stored, so I may unclutter my mind, in the hope one day I may wake up clear.

She heard the silence scream
She saw the stillness swirl
She lost that girl

Eyes wide shut
Heart rate cut
Turned inside out
No sound when I shout
If the ground rises up
While my strength washes out
There are steps that are carved
A fate that is charged
This ring is more like a copper
coil
It is forcing my memory to boil
To die me, wire me, send me insane
What I need to let go, is like a month
of rain.
Each drop connecting to,a conscious
stream. Only I can’t speak of its depth
or breadth.
I’d have to explain the trickle, the
constant flow, the threat of the torpedo.
2000 leagues under the sea, only
I’m not in a sci fi movie.
My story is diving as deep as can
be, there is no resurfacing for me.
When you don’t trust those that wait
on the surface, you’d rather be in Lead
Boots than telescope up.
My mouth I promise will
remain shut.

As I contemplated
I was saddened
Options had run dry
To live the truth
Means do or die
Only doing well
No comment
Suspense is no
my leaving word
Reality rather
cooks the bird

Some may see gobbledygook
for me it is my mind map
When you navigate through life alone
for fear has you trust no one
I need to keep a record public but private
as I keep private what I can’t say public

And so the lunar times are shifting
No longer am I protected by time
My promise to myself draws closer
I feel saddened that it has come to this
If only someone listened
If only they had taken the time
Instead they shared their concerns
Their feelings, their duty needs.
Deleting facts, splitting off connections
minimizing acts so indecent.
For once in my life I had begun to
trust someone would hear me.
Now I don’t know who knows what
Who holds the whole of me in mind?
No one!
No one will, not even me, it’s too big for me
to.
So I am still here, hooray 15 years &
this time of year.
Dr who screw driver, Tardis too
let me lend both of you
Then I wouldn’t need permanent ink
when pencil will do
If I write in sharpies i’d Need a few
Thank good I’ve been able to statement
a few

These posts are like seeing only a slither of moon
Like a celebrations tin with only one flavor
Like an invite without a venue
Like a restaurant without a menu
Like a lock without a combination
Like a beat without a heart
Like a tear without salt
Ingredients missing
Recipes that have no title
Believe me I know
this is like my life with PTSD

Tia in the cremation of another
That ones mortality pertains
To fossil like aches & pains
Oh how annoying
The god forsaking gnawing
With purple rain so adorning
Pray tell an end a warning
As trauma feels like a disease
Consumption of a different yearning
How sinful is the desire
To have ones life expire
When in reality you hope it will begin
But it did & look what happened
How pray tell am I back where
I begin?

Those that insist
Deprive me of resist
Those who insist
Place handcuffs on my wrists
Those insisting
are not really listening
Those make me
froze

The system crank
bring forth the vice
Ain’t no one giving me advice
Demands however are absolute
Feeling like I’m on the end of those who shoot
Your procedure makes me amnesia
And you expect me to recall
To expose & shame & unravel, I’m not sure you appreciate.
There are many waiting at the abuser gate.
You think I’m done, you think this is it
Hell doesn’t release me from its clustered threat
Did you know I’m about to get a calling
One word & I disintegrate.
stop now turn away
I’ll never make it to that day
A revolver pointed at my throat
A weapon designed to destroy my fright

And so 8n al” that is
There is all that is not acknowledged
And in that which is not said
there are disclosures that are encouraged for be buried
And in the during of all that was
Is all that is still killing me
And all in all there is no way
That I can take on their:might again
For I am but small & not so tall
And rather younger
And yet all that you see is middle aged
Female Cary on’r
Gall now my pride, advance to shame
I won’t be able to do the same
I’m rather prepared
Rather ready
To take step in a hurry
To break free
To just be
In a realm that can’t hurt me
And outside I will look fine
Rather sprightly & well groomed
While inside I am still battered & bruised
Did I not speak of the violence
You can’t break in without breaking
and so it is, is like it always was
Two agains one & me against untold you

I don’t read back
I’m not an editor
I Capture here what ever my mind steers
Free to say, free to stay
I’m gifted by HP
What if no one made this site
What if the moderators didn’t dedicate their life
My fear of new formats disappeared the day
I accepted the new appeared.
Explanations wear thin
When most of my posts are dug in
Grief, trauma, pain & more
Memories in a nervous system soar.
Tonight I don’t rest assured
I’m rather be forever cured
But this is an impossibility
While others refuse to take responsibility
My life remains owned by the improperty

Crisis inner.& outer worlds collide
Fear & panic override
I’m shutting down
I’m loosing faith
I don’t feel like a part
of this human race
Frozen when I want to move
Mute when I want to speak
I need a break from breathing
self doubt tsunami
confirmed by force
everything surrounds me
& I’m watching the tide
I won’t get stranded
This time i’ll dive
The water will rebirth me
on the other side

I’m sinking
possibly shrinking
I’m over sharing
Spilling scarring
my little self.
I’m leaking
I’m not sleeping
My heart is leaping
I’m being washed away
Everyone seems so big
I’m loosing a grip

Hey Dear, that the good question there are many ways to what is internal landscapes - External reality
And I had found a video on YouTube that will explain what internal landscapes- External Reality are

And I try different ways and method what is mean by Internal Landscapes –External Reality note:-Here is a link of that video just check it out it really work

Click on that above link and once you land on the page click words say I am not a robot and you will redirected to YouTube videos that show what is the Internal Landscapes-External reality

No time, space or therapy has protected me from myself today.
Catatonic collapse, my energy ceases.
I have nothing to lift me up & everything is
pulling me down.
My nervous system is putting on the brakes,
while I need to be in 5th gear.

The tree is tall
beneath it I am small
The drip line tightens
Their creepers frighten.
They are rummaging
through my mind.
Worse their activity
is like a misplaced hive.
The stings are daily
Swarming around my
loved ones.
This timing has me confined.
How can I speak of these border
pieces when the jigsaw is inside
My body holds memory
Only some shards cut me up
into a divide.
To show the big picture
would mean I’d have to
die.
Better to leave mystery
than have to disappear
knowing I would never
see my loved ones and
the ones I hold dear.
HP hold me in case I
can’t return
Don’t think me down
or lost, instead
Know that I am safe
know that I am free
Know that I tried everything
except my final stand
from proceedings.
As my 15 year old self is banned.
Disappointment in her having needs
especially right now
Means she is stubborn beyond belief
She’s deciding how she is released.

Gingers bedroom was a kennel in the garden by the wall
Where he often lay a dozing .waiting for his friend to call.
Call on me
Call on me
Call on me

Landscape inside
why are you so wide?
Because I have always been by your side
Landscape inside
why are you so vast?
Because I have always recorded your past
Landscape inside
Why are you so kind?
Because I have always been soothing your mind
Landscape inside
When will you set me free?
Now dear that is not a question for me
Landscape inside
When will you stop remembering me?
When you are no longer able to see
Landscape inside
Will you provide me with glasses?
I’ll try optimism rather that be an optician
By the way I have a terminal condition
Landscape inside
Are you lost in your scars?
Now dear you must know I am made like the stars
Landscape inside
Will we lay down together?
Yes dear we will for ever & ever

Now that HP is so very different from my earlier times here when I was a regular contributor I had to scan back to mid 2006 to find out who you are and what your story is. 🙁

Your verse is remarkable. Does writing help you?

Hi Mac,

HP is an anchor for me to tether too.
The words are coded, like the parts of me that can never speak.
I use words to help them parts sleep.
I sometimes share their inner fears.
Sometimes it is a present threat that
takes courage & leaves parts of the
ring here In case it is never exposed.
To be honest, it’s what is not said
that haunts me.
I’ve learnt of late that once broken
others can live in the gap between
the shards of me.
People I tolerate, forgive, care for
no matter what they have done or
do to me,
The thing is I’m beginning to think
they are the glue that holds me
together & another time, I dare to
see they may be the ones holding
me in the haunting I dare not see.
They are connected.
Listen to it when I try to explain
It sounds mad
It sounds like I’m mad
The hardest part is feeling
like the earthquake about to
happen is all my fault.
To be honest Mac
there is a big part of me
here, hoping someone
someday will see everything
I’ve seen, felt, heard, the
terror that goes with it &
then I think I would never be
so cruel as to let them.
And so I go back to trauma
tornado’s that I dress up
as full color glossing overs.
Other times the nightmares
are so close I throw them
into here.
Type & delete
Score in the sand & let
the sea take my words.
Other days I want to
wade so deep into the
actual sea, I never have
to see the shore again!
Then I offend the onlooker
who needs me to bury
myself & always look
on the bright side of life.
You wouldn’t believe how much of
my self I need to bury to stay alive.
Anyway thanks for the
question.

I am struggling to find a suitable response to what you've said. Is there anything in life you enjoy?

It’s not your responsibility to find what to say Mac.
I am the only person responsible for me.
In answer to your question:-
Is there anything in life I enjoy?
Yes tons of things!
Kayaking
Swimming
Saunas & steam rooms
Cycling up & free wheeling down a hill
Fishing
Walking cliff paths
Lying on the beach with the summer sun on my face
Walking through leaves in winter
Painting
Drawing
Writing poems
Knitting
Crochet
Photography
Weddings
Nativity plays
Volunteering
Singing
Song writing
Studying
Fostering
Soothing others
Wood burning fires
Toasting chestnuts & marshmallows
Cuddling my grandchildren
Cleaning the house
Fresh sheets after a bath
Cozy socks
Learning any craft
Permaculture
Homemaking
Christmas baking
Walking in the woods
Planning on the spur trips away
Going to concerts
Flying
Sailing
The thing is I have an amazing life
It’s just for everything listed above
I do it with trauma pulling at my nervous system
When I’m in flight panic grips to the point of imminent extinction.
In a sauna I freeze when someone else walks in.
My cleaning the house can become bleaching & never feeling clean enough.
I cuddle my grandchildren & wonder if I will see them grow?
In a concert the noise eventually paralyses me, as does the crowd, but I go to hear the music that has seen me through so much.
I sing till I cry & draw till I see the pain erupt on the page.
It’s not about being down or wanting to end it all.
It’s about dancing with the devil, that threatens to stop me dancing.
Sometimes catatonic I can’t stand, but most of the time. I am stoic & sturdy, until I literally snap.
Physically that is through hyper mobility & pain dissociation.
I don’t feel & then I am the pain,

It’s not your responsibility to find what to say Mac.
I am the only person responsible for me.
In answer to your question:-
Is there anything in life I enjoy?
Yes tons of things!
Kayaking............. threatens to stop me dancing.
Sometimes catatonic I can’t stand, but most of the time. I am stoic & sturdy, until I literally snap.
Physically that is through hyper mobility & pain dissociation.
I don’t feel & then I am the pain,

I don't - and didn't - feel any responsibility but when I interact online with someone I do it out of of interest and out of concern, hence my uncertainty about what to say in response.

I am very relieved to learn your life isn't as bleak as your verse is and your reply to my question has enabled me to understand just a little.

Thank you for explaining. 🙂