I wonder if anyone could tell me their views on this...I have a group of 5 x work colleagues and we see each other usually every week or so for coffee, we have the occasional meal out etc., I always hoped/felt that we equally cared for each other, supportive etc., and would not treat anyone any different to the others.
One of the ladies has property abroad in two countries, a few years back she once said to us all that we should all get a flight and spend a weekend at the place in Spain. That never happened as since then only one of us has ever been properly invited, not once but at least 4 times. I feel quite saddened at this singling out of one of us. It was made worse recently when this lady with the places abroad, I will call her ‘friend 1’ emailed each of us saying how excited she was as her and ‘friend 2‘ were going to have a week together in her other place in Cyprus. It does not matter if any of us wanted or did not want to go I still feel we should all have been invited equally. We have all had our worries, troubles and yet ‘friend 1’ seems to think that ‘friend 2’ is special in some way.
I feel it has changed the groups dynamics and I did actually say that If, I had a place abroad everyone would always have an open invite. Now ‘friend 2’ seems to think that she was only invited because she has had a s*** year and it was wonderful of ‘friend 1’ to do this for her. As mentioned she has always been the only one to be invited!
Today I felt a real dig from them both, they brought with them a print out of Easyjet flight prices for June and proceeded to discuss how exciting this was going to be for ‘them’
What would you do? anything? ignore it? comment? Basically I sometimes feel with friends like this who needs enemies - then I panic as every one is important to me and I frequently get great feelings of isolation, thing is these feelings can be worse even when with them because I don’t feel they are genuine. Am I better of without them?
Is offering a cheap holiday the only way of caring? Would all of these women be there helping you if you were ill or in trouble of some kind? Or are there one or two you rely on more than the others? Would YOU be rushing round to help all of them or are there one or two you are closer to then the others?
Have you ever actually ASKED the lucky lady with the property in Cyprus if you could borrow it one day?
Group dynamics can be quite complex. This will only alter the group dynamics if you chose to let it.
Jeanie, I get what you are saying.
You would have probably done what I would do...let everyone in, have a great time together, a party, more the merrier what the hell...attitude
But people do what they do and they have their reasons.
You can only give freely and not hold back....that's all you can do. The joy of giving surpasses the joy of receiving. Expectation of any kind, no matter how justified it seems kills us silently on the inside.
I rather do what I do, than to expect people to do what I like them to do. That will just suck me. Let others do what they are doing...
If you fancy being included there is an easier way...Open your house have a chill out, feed up, cook together eat together, laugh cry, be silly together, share all that you have, watch DVDs, ....endless possibilities. And you don't have to worry about excluding someone or being excluded. Treat them all the same, for that is what you want to do...and see how much joy it brings to you and all friends involved. Bask in their love and let them feel your warmth.
A place in sun is such a hook. Have a knees up with all five of you at your own place in good old soggy Blighty. I have seen many friends go on a great holiday and end up bickering all the time or having full fledged fights and parting ways for life....who knows the inside story!
Give without expectations of anything in return and and see how much you get back. Having a good time only needs you....once you are in the right spirit, everyone will go away with a happy heart.
Jeanie,
Give without expectations of anything in return and and see how much you get back. Having a good time only needs you....once you are in the right spirit, everyone will go away with a happy heart.
Thanks, this is what I have done all my life, literally when people have left my home they are full of compliments, eee Jeannie you are this and eee Jeannie you are that. But that is it then I am not given a second thought. I feel it is my time to have a 'happy heart' with others doing the 'thinking' just a little.
Bascially I have done all of the things you mention jnani but I am beginning to think in life some people are just taken for granted.
x
Is offering a cheap holiday the only way of caring? Would all of these women be there helping you if you were ill or in trouble of some kind? Or are there one or two you rely on more than the others? Would YOU be rushing round to help all of them or are there one or two you are closer to then the others?
Have you ever actually ASKED the lucky lady with the property in Cyprus if you could borrow it one day?
Group dynamics can be quite complex. This will only alter the group dynamics if you chose to let it.
To be honest they have not been there for me, they even 'forgot' when I had been having major eye surgery, even when in hospital I would text to see how THEY were! It also wasn't anything to do with having a cheap holiday it was the fact that as a little group of 'so called friends' just asking one to go does not feel very nice and something I could never do.
No I think I am coming to the conclusion that this particular group of people are not real friends at all. Thank goodness I have other true friends in life, but I would still like to know on here how people feel about my iniital question….What would you do? anything? ignore it? comment? Basically I sometimes feel with friends like this who needs enemies - then I panic as every one is important to me and I frequently get great feelings of isolation, thing is these feelings can be worse even when with them because I don’t feel they are genuine. Am I better of without them?
x
Thanks, this is what I have done all my life, literally when people have left my home they are full of compliments, eee Jeannie you are this and eee Jeannie you are that. But that is it then I am not given a second thought. I feel it is my time to have a 'happy heart' with others doing the 'thinking' just a little.
Bascially I have done all of the things you mention jnani but I am beginning to think in life some people are just taken for granted.
x
come and have a holiday on me, if Old Pembs is not too far for you.
I mean it
Sometimes we out grow some of the friends in our network. I don't think that it is necessarily a bad thing either.
Maybe step back from the group and see if you miss them at all. What matters is your happiness, so if the group dynamics is making you unhappy then maybe a break is what is required.
I agree with Meadowsweet - I would take a break/step back from them as it is making you unhappy.
And, speaking as someone who is in a similar situation, (being excluded at work by people who are friendly depending on which way the wind is blowing) I understand how you feel - it can be hurtful and upsetting. Just say to yourself you are worth more 🙂
No I think I am coming to the conclusion that this particular group of people are not real friends at all. Thank goodness I have other true friends in life
”Friends” mean different things to different people. Some are there when you need them and others are great to work with and have coffee with. Very few are worth going on holiday with. Maybe these people are simply not thinking of you as the same type of friend as you are thinking of them. This doesn’t mean they are good friends or bad friends – just not close friends.
but I would still like to know on here how people feel about my iniital question….What would you do? anything? ignore it? comment?
I’d ignore. What’s to gain from not doing?
Am I better of without them?
Well, that depends – do you enjoy going for coffee and the occasional meal? Because, if so, they are good friends at that level.
And if you do pop down to Pembrokeshire to see Jnani, drop in on me in Gwynedd on your way.:)
To be honest they have not been there for me, they even 'forgot' when I had been having major eye surgery, even when in hospital I would text to see how THEY were! It also wasn't anything to do with having a cheap holiday it was the fact that as a little group of 'so called friends' just asking one to go does not feel very nice and something I could never do.
No I think I am coming to the conclusion that this particular group of people are not real friends at all. Thank goodness I have other true friends in life, but I would still like to know on here how people feel about my iniital question….What would you do? anything? ignore it? comment? Basically I sometimes feel with friends like this who needs enemies - then I panic as every one is important to me and I frequently get great feelings of isolation, thing is these feelings can be worse even when with them because I don’t feel they are genuine. Am I better of without them?
x
I think you have answered your own question. They don't sound like friends to me . I do think you are over reacting to the holiday issue if I am honest - but from your first post the question in my mind was why you defined these people as friends. I believe you put greater value on these relationships than THEY do . I think you need to value YOURSELF much more than you seem to at the moment. .
And if you do pop down to Pembrokeshire to see Jnani, drop in on me in Gwynedd on your way.:)
Ha Ha I like it, wouldn't you both get a shock if I took you up on this 😀 I thank you for your comments though, I will have to put these group of 'friends' on the right level. Good idea that having people on levels.
[COLOR="Red"]mouse16, I know you have problems with work folk. I do think I am worth more and that is probably part of the problem, I always treat others they way I would like to be treat and it does hurt when some people don't recognise my value. How are you now by the way?
[COLOR="Green"]Tashanie, thank you for the cyber hug, appreciated.
[COLOR="Purple"]Meadowsweet, Once I have made a connection with folk, I find it very hard to let go. I feel everyone is so important to me, more than likely this is probably why I am so effected by their actions. As mentioned I do have other friends in life but they work and a lot of time when they are off they are away on holiday so I hang on to everyone and feel I need them in my life just to breathe. I think to myself I would rather be sat having coffee with shallow people than sat alone. But then I come home thinking I would have been better off on my own.
Actually I heard recently that if you were left before the age of 5 it can leave feelings of
abandonment throughout life. Could it be I have the kind of feelings I do about hanging on to people stem from being left in hospital for 7 days after an operation, aged 4. I remember the feelings so strong, searching through the sea of parents coming to visit children in the ward, never seeing anyone I loved or recognised, I remember vividly crying incessantly, day in day out, sometimes the parent of another child would come over and say 'whats the matter' I just continued to cry. Just writing about this now is making me emotional, why was I left like that. Oh dear I hate being so sensitive and going off at a tangent.
Ha Ha I like it, wouldn't you both get a shock if I took you up on this
Actually, I’d be happy to meet you. If you do wind up in mid-Wales, let me know first – because we are still teaching in North Yorkshire about three times a year – but we’d be glad to see you.
Actually I heard recently that if you were left before the age of 5 it can leave feelings of
abandonment throughout life. Could it be I have the kind of feelings I do about hanging on to people stem from being left in hospital for 7 days after an operation, aged 4. I remember the feelings so strong, searching through the sea of parents coming to visit children in the ward, never seeing anyone I loved or recognised, I remember vividly crying incessantly, day in day out, sometimes the parent of another child would come over and say 'whats the matter' I just continued to cry. Just writing about this now is making me emotional, why was I left like that. Oh dear I hate being so sensitive and going off at a tangent.
This sounds like classic soul loss. I would really advise you to consider a soul retrieval. (Now that would be a good excuse for you to come to Wales – I could do a shamanic healing for you!)
[COLOR="Red"]mouse16, I know you have problems with work folk. I do think I am worth more and that is probably part of the problem, I always treat others they way I would like to be treat and it does hurt when some people don't recognise my value. How are you now by the way?
Actually I heard recently that if you were left before the age of 5 it can leave feelings of
abandonment throughout life. Could it be I have the kind of feelings I do about hanging on to people stem from being left in hospital for 7 days after an operation, aged 4. I remember the feelings so strong, searching through the sea of parents coming to visit children in the ward, never seeing anyone I loved or recognised, I remember vividly crying incessantly, day in day out, sometimes the parent of another child would come over and say 'whats the matter' I just continued to cry. Just writing about this now is making me emotional, why was I left like that. Oh dear I hate being so sensitive and going off at a tangent.
Much the same I'm afraid but thanks for asking 🙂 I am trying to heal myself (shamanic healing) as I think that I have to do that before I can tackle any 'external' problems but it is a slow process and sometimes hard to keep the faith that it is working.
I think what you say about being left definitely has something in it, especially as it makes you feel emotional now. Maybe you should write down everything you remember about the experience and see if it can help you to feel the emotions now. There is a school of thought that properly 'feeling' things can help to release them.
Meadowsweet, Once I have made a connection with folk, I find it very hard to let go. I feel everyone is so important to me, more than likely this is probably why I am so effected by their actions. As mentioned I do have other friends in life but they work and a lot of time when they are off they are away on holiday so I hang on to everyone and feel I need them in my life just to breathe. I think to myself I would rather be sat having coffee with shallow people than sat alone. But then I come home thinking I would have been better off on my own.
Actually I heard recently that if you were left before the age of 5 it can leave feelings of
abandonment throughout life. Could it be I have the kind of feelings I do about hanging on to people stem from being left in hospital for 7 days after an operation, aged 4. I remember the feelings so strong, searching through the sea of parents coming to visit children in the ward, never seeing anyone I loved or recognised, I remember vividly crying incessantly, day in day out, sometimes the parent of another child would come over and say 'whats the matter' I just continued to cry. Just writing about this now is making me emotional, why was I left like that. Oh dear I hate being so sensitive and going off at a tangent.
You may have determined the route cause behind the issue, that sounds still to be very raw. It is difficult to let go of friends and it took some time for me to get to the point of being able to walk away from some friendships that had run their course. But it makes you feel so empowered doing it also.
EFT may be a good therapy to look into to try to heal/forgive/understand your childhood experience.
Actually I heard recently that if you were left before the age of 5 it can leave feelings of abandonment throughout life.
Now that is a concept I've not come across before and could help explain why I have difficulty making connections with people. I was sent to a children's home for 3 weeks when my brother was born as there was no-one else to look after me - in those days maternity 'confinement' was 3 weeks! In fact it probably underlies much that has puzzled me about my reaction to people.
A lightbulb moment in fact! Thank you Jeannie!!
I agree EFT can make a lot of difference about self-perception. It would be worth working with a practitioner to help you through the process. Find a practitioner her on HP or .
Now that is a concept I've not come across before and could help explain why I have difficulty making connections with people. I was sent to a children's home for 3 weeks when my brother was born as there was no-one else to look after me - in those days maternity 'confinement' was 3 weeks! In fact it probably underlies much that has puzzled me about my reaction to people.
.
Absolutely. Abandonment in childhood - real or perceived - even something fairly common and seemingly benign like a stay in hospital, going to boarding school etc - can affect us for life. Thankfully, nowadays our understanding of early attachment and its significance are much better understood and hence when children have to go into hospital etc parents can stay with them.
[url]Attachment theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]
As a general principle, the earlier the attachment trauma takes place, the more impact it is likely to have on ability to regulate our emotions and connect with other people. Obviously lots of other factors can influence this as well, in a detrimental way or in a protective and healing way.
A couple of great books that explain the significance and basic neuroscience of attachment simply and with poignant examples:
A General Theory of Love
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog
Masha
Hi Masha
Thank you so much for the links. I still have much to learn - as always ;), and the suggested reading is a good start in this direction. I shall order the books!