Can someone talk to me about this please.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hmmm.

Reading that all back, its not as clear to read as I thought it was when I was writing it.

.....

Basicay me and my girlfriend still have lots of attraction.
Are great friends.

Go out of our way foreachother if we can (sometimes arue but mostly related to organization of things, principal and fair treatment, comparisons, exclusion of things i want to do)

Share, do special little things....

The problem is that rationaly sometimes the way things go or are organzied, and what we do (mostly if its regarding her sis, sis boyfriend or friends) I find very riddiculing and taking the mickey in a big way.

Sometimes it appears evil, unfair or not right to me. And im upset.
I seem to have to debate/ "prove" even, that ive been wronged or they are being unfair.

Shure, afterwards I look back sometimes and was making wrong judgement, or myself had been overreacting....

But other times I really think that she/they .... I guess she.
Just does stuff that is "not right" or out of line.

Say for example....
We have an argument....

They go somewhere and dont invite me.
That pisses me off.

When its a serious relationship, hopefully for the future and we both are in agreement and feel the same way.

Is this just regular "domestic" stuff??

I would never not include her in stuff... And the only thing that pisses me off is that her doing it..Makes me angry, and less attracted to her....
Not want to be her friend.

I feel that she has a set of rules for her and another for me.

Shure I guess I piss her off sometimes and dont know it, or realize..
But all thats changed....

Im so much less the moaner and more theal man and have proved it!!!

Its not me now who is doing the mood, arguing. Its her.

Mabe shes scared that its really "her" who might argue with "me" on holiday.??

Anyways... Her sisters boyfriend is really smug that I wasnt going....
And that pisses me of even more.

Shure... Its between me and her.
And circumstance, timing and stuff yes.

But the fact that he is going and they are going to party and im not.......

Grrr!!!

How/why did i treat her so nice and polite and friendly and make effort when she just makes me feel a fool and a mockery.

I feel that her sis and boyfriend are finding it funny.

.

Thats that off my chest.

Someone!! I need some imput!!
[:@]

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hmm when I read this through I was rathewr amazed on all the energy that was going back wards and forwards between you two, There does not seem to be a real foundation here, to bease your relationship on.

Does it really matter if you go or not?
I mean it seems she does not want you to go , and has basically told you as much by shouting at you on the phone.

There is a lot of communication problems, sure there is sex between you two, but is that really enough?
Fair enough that you have grown up and you have developed upon your life path , thats fantastic. I am getting so many doubts here within and around this relationship

I do not think its just me if I say you have one foot in the relationship and another in the water, like you do not know what to do, how to go about it, and which way is best.

My personal opinion is that she needs to look at her own life and sort her own issues out because I am being told she leans on you too much and used you as her punching bag.

Alas you are a gemini and gemini`s are known to have split personalities, I am not being offensive I am merely stating facts.
She should welcome you to any where she goes to, true a woman likes her peace and time to herself, but to say no to you going to places like that with her is a bit extreem.

You really need to take some time out, consider, ponder meditate on what is rite for YOU

Let me know how it goes
Love
Ithar:)

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thanks for the reply Ithar.

I guess i am giving muddled vibes out in that reply. What you say is true about she should want me to go out in that situation where everyone elses partners are going too.

i dont mind her being alone, spending time with friends whatever if thats what the occasion is..... different to this issue.

We really do get on and put a lot of caring and time together.

im one foot in and one out sometimes because she does irrational things... like this,

And i think.... do i want a partner who does this?

but between these occasion when that arises everything is perfect... we are great together.

i think it has been a matter of tuning and tweaking a few aspects of ourselves..... the parts that dont agree on things...

weve both seemed to adapt... not without arguments and some pain...
but those things were always in minority to the good things.

its just they seem to stand out.

the reason im one foot in and one out is not because i dont like/love her, but because i now feel - in life that, if someone loves and wasnts to be with me and treats me right.....
thats great.

if not..why am i with them.

it does seem to be a fair-weather relationship somewhat...

the summer is great but the winters harsh.

really we do communicate very well.

but there are just some things that even after communicating well.. we still disagree upon.

that doesnt stop us liking eachother, or getting along, or anything at all.

it just pisses us of.

seems like the old..

if i cant play im taking my bat & ball home....
(old saying where if there was a group of friends playing cricket, and there were any arguments say... and one boy left he took his ball home and the rest of the guys were left with just a bat)

i guess we are just still really childish inside when it cmes to our relationship, even if our personas have grown up.

Thanks for talking about this some.

its helping.
🙂

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul

I agree with what Ithar has said. It sounds as though your girlfriend has some issues that she needs to sort out. I get the impression that she changes when she is with her sister.

Also the fact that she doesn't want you to go to Amsterdam with her - I can understand that you would feel excluded. I don't understand why she has given lots of different reasons for not wanting you to go with her and it would be better if she could just be completely honest with you. You both seem to like each other and have a lot of affection for each other, but the problem seems to come down to honest communication, which isn't always easy to do.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

i'm wondering what you want. why would you want to go where you are not invited? you give the strong impression that you had been 'being good' & expected some kind of reward, perhaps even against your natural instinct, so are you being true to yourself? are you desperate to hold onto this relationship? has it ever withstood external pressures? is it real?

my heart goes out to you.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

sebenny Is is a very good reply. I am feeling you understand a lot here.

Also the fact that she doesn't want you to go to Amsterdam with her - I can understand that you would feel excluded. I don't understand why she has given lots of different reasons for not wanting you to go with her and it would be better if she could just be completely honest with you. You both seem to like each other and have a lot of affection for each other, but the problem seems to come down to honest communication, which isn't always easy to do.

Thats it I do feel very excluded & humiliated.
Really there is absolutely no reason why I shoulnt be going.

She says.....

"if you werent making a big deal out of it mabe you could come"
Then its
"we will argue thats why.. and jeopardize our relationship" (mabe spoil the weekend for her?)
Then its
"Its too late to book now" (I proved that wasnt true)
Than its
"you just want your own way"

I feel her excuses beat around the bush, and are childish.
they have no ground.
I know this because they fall away when really questioned.. like lies.
They are not lies but really unjust statements....

Actualy its a bit like that book mentioned in a thread in another section of this forum... "force Vs Power". That book says that a truth is more powerfull than a false thing. A false thing doesnt have to be a "lie", but it can be an excuse or a poor statement.

I dont think she can be completely honest with herself, never mind me - ""when it comes to these feelings she seems to have about certain things"".

It seems that sometimes when im in a clear thinking state of being and calm.. sometimes we can be talking about an issue, and.......
It feels like a game.

I seem to have to be "able" to communicate clearly and outright ""crystal clear"" to her that she is being irrational, unfair and has no grounds for her behaviour..

"Then" is seems "something clicks". and she may, for one example

realise and look very sheepish... give an embarrased smile.... And I get the impression she feels "boy you got me" you "caught me out there".

What does this mean?

Does this mean she really cant see herself untill I have to work hard to "prove" these things?

Or do you think she kind of knows shes wrong at some level and wont admit it to herself or to me?

Yesterday for example..... Through the talks there "was" some element of humour. She does stick her tongue out like a kid... some kind of embarrased response to our discussions.

But what is that? How can she act friendly, then do the humour or guilt whatever element.... Then at the same time be firmly and argumentative about the actual issue when it comes down to it?

When im angry she acts as if everything will pass by and be ok afterwards, trys to acts as if theres no problem or its not important (but I miss out on the event or what we arguing about)

When she is angry with me I have to adhere to her wishes or its over.

We alway get back together, but until recently I was always running back after her.
Now I feel stronger inside and they there are other women out there.

I value this relationship & her, but These things are spoiling an otherwise perfect relationship.

She herself says that "technicaly" there should be no reasons we argue as we are perfectly matched".

Also sandra,

Its not that she "changes" when she is with her sister....

I feel more that she dare not, or wont ever "argue" with her sis.
Even if her sis has pissed her off.. she wont make a big deal about it.

And yes i do feel some of that gets taken out on our relationship/me as an outlet.

But she doesnt want to let her sis down.

I know that her sis is a lot more selfish then my girlfriend, and less thoughtfull.

My girlfriend also admits she feels "in the middle" sometimes and its stressfull.
So im a little bit of truth was in ithors reply about me being a punchbag sometimes. But not straight out. Just a slight element of that in there on

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi geminisoul

Reading through your post it does look as though your girlfriend does her best to avoid what she sees as any sort of confrontation (particularly with her sister). Perhaps she has had very negative experiences in this area in the past and just doesn't know how to deal with it. This might also explain why she doesn't seem to handle any serious discussions you have in a mature manner and the problem could go back to when she was growing up or from her marriage before. There is some reason why she is fearful about this.

She seems to be quite insecure in this respect. With you she has a chance to learn to trust that honest communication can help to make the relationship even better. It wouldn't surprise me if she has never had a positive experience of problem solving in her relationships with people.

If this is the case, you could try talking to her specifically about that area of her life and see if anything crops up that you feel you could help her with. You have been very understanding and kind and obviously want to keep the relationship and she seems to want that too, but maybe she just needs a bit of help with trust issues. Hope this helps.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thankyou sandra.
Your replys are making me feel better, because this discussion is releasing the worry and helping get to the root of the problem.

I think you may have a very valid point.
And i think it would benefit us both to try and discuss what you sugggest.

The only problem now is that she isnt speaking to me as from yesterday.
ive tried to ring her today.

i used to value the fact she would always be open after an argument.. but that has closed some nowadays.

What i feel is that if she is in the wrong and im pissed off.. she tries to play cool, or kind of ignores the problem, mabe thinks it will go away..
she keeps friendly and works around my not ringing her, ect, by acting all nice and as if notging wrong..
if i want to end it its ok with her.
playing it cool.

when its her who is angry...
everything goes out the window... all the rules. the ones she/we set.

she says we should talk about stuff, even bought me the venus mars book and has one herself....(though ive read heaps of that kind of thing already)
we can talk through things usualy. very well.

its just when i upset her.... she seems to be vengefull, or else harsh.

but we always get back together, just seems harder these days.

its flipped over this week..i was ready to finish her if she went without me.... i was angry but restrained.

now its her who doesnt want to talk to me again.

sigh.

I will have to wait and see if she wants to talk in a few days....
then im open to try your suggestion.

Thankyou. i really appreciate the help.
[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi geminisoul

One other thing that has crossed my mind regarding the way your girlfriend reacts when she is angry and when you are upset with her, is that maybe this is the only way she knows. If she hasn't known any other way of conducting a relationship then this behaviour is familiar and 'normal' to her. If this is true its not her fault its just what she has learned in the past.

If she can learn a different way of dealing with her own emotions, handling the emotional side of relationships and also confront her fears, it would improve things a lot. At the moment when she is angry or upset the only way she knows is to go off for a few days and not talk to you. When you are upset with her she tries to pretend it isn't happening. Either way she is using avoidance tactics, probably because she doesn't feel brave enough to face it and sort it out. I hope that she comes round soon so that you can talk to her again. Good luck.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

I think you could be very much on target with all of this...

Im rrealy enthusiastic to try it.

My only wonder about it is if this is so..why was it different when we first started going out?

And why has some things "improved" while others have got worse?

Im think now that after her 7 or so year long marriage.... and calling it "off". was a big step.

Now mabe she is much less scared of "finalitys" and is unfortunately throwing it around a big too much like a loaded gun??

using it as a weapon?? then expecting she can just come back to me when she feels like it?

I cant live like that. Not knowing whats going to happen next. I need to know if we are together or not and not "when she feels like it".

Because if thats so...We seem "together" when its convenient for her.

And "apart" when she doesnt want me to go anywhere/somewhere with her.

..If I do want to go.... its obvious there will be an argument....
And as it is... she will just finish me.

I wont go.

Then we get back together.

That is manipulation yes? as well as avoiding confronyation & unwillingness to change.

The ironic thing is that she has the cheek to say stuff like "im trying to get my own way".

When she is blatantly doing it herself.

This is weierd when she buys us the venus/mars book.

Mabe inside she really is trying??
Mabe she felt shame for having to read the book..so bought me one too so it was more like "we were doing it together" for her.
& not her feeling that only she is at fault.

I do afmit I could handle things better a lot of the time.
And she can sometimes be appologetic too.

At this time my heart is not aching for a change, even if we split up.
usualy im upset.
This time i just have a real bad headache. And thats right now!!
I best get some asprin or something.

I start college tomorrow.
Im doing a patchwork quilting course and also creative sketchbooks.
So thats something to look forward to.... Meeting new people ect. Friends with similar interests...

It will be a shame if we cant sort things out. I really do like her & she supports me through my work and interests - even helps out.

I read all these posts about people not being attracted... and stuff....
But there are so many other factors in relationships.

It seems whenever we learn one thing in one relationship..

A different issue comes up in the next.

I dont want to loose her & we have always seemed clear that we want to be friends still if we break up...

But we have so many good things going.
I am really preying to god/goddesss/earth for this one..

I guess i really went for it with the confrontation by booking the flight.

I guess i not only put pressure on the situation but made it clear it needed attention!!!
yes irresponsible mabe.... but like you say.. she was avoiding the whole thing.
the loss of the £30 would be worth getting this whole thing sorted out.

i guess we all do irrational things sometimes in the heat of things.

Again thenkyou.
every reply lifts my heart and helps better define exactly what the problem is.

I know in the end only us two can sort it out.. but the feedback here is priceless and very warm.

deep thanks and respect.
gemini.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

ORIGINAL: geminisoul

Im think now that after her 7 or so year long marriage.... and calling it "off". was a big step.

Now mabe she is much less scared of "finalitys" and is unfortunately throwing it around a big too much like a loaded gun??

using it as a weapon?? then expecting she can just come back to me when she feels like it?

This would have been a huge step for her and a scary one at that. Rather than her being less scared of finalities because of it, she's more likely to be anxious about getting too close to someone for fear of being hurt again. I feel you both need to take time to build up trust in the relationship, try to take things one step at a time. Her anxiety would have only kicked in once she became more fond of you that's why things were ok at the beginning. Buying the Venus & Mars books means that she does care about the relationship. I feel she might need lots of reassurances so that she can feel safe to love again.

Good luck with your college course and wishing you all the best for the future.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Okay...

After all this & college recently (as well as im just starting my own little buisness) ive been rather stressed & upset.
Last night I was so upset & I just texted her and told her how much I really needed her help & support right now, aside from the argument and that I was worried & felt like crying.
(which I was)

She then said We could speak & we talked & she really did offer her support & love and friendship... This was very soothing for me.

And i know she really does care about me.
And now We are talking fine again and I told her how much I do care about her & how much I want us to be happy together.

But there is still this immediate issue too....
So we are still going to have to attend to it pretty soon.

Also Sandra, My greatest thanks goes out to you. Your last reply seemed to "click" me out of my own viewpoint & I did see and feel her view and include what you said about her situation & needing reassurance we were right for eachother & werent going to argue.

I can now see this is a valid reason why she woulnd want me to go this time, and why she says another time would be better, mabe when she is ready.

Now I would just like your advise about some feelings that were a big part of the source of my being pissed off about the situation.

Its to do with her sisters boyfriend.

And i saw him in town today on my lunchbreak. he just walked past wth his mate.
he is 18 and today dressed up in a smart suit as if he was 30, and had shades on. I feel really hurt by his expressions sometimes. I feel like he thinks its funny that i cant go, and also he does smirk sometimes when i am honest and true about my feelings openly..even though i regard it as strength.

I know he doesnt talk about problems with my ladys sister, he avoids talking about them.

I just feel 'they' have no real responsibilitys in life and that they party away and always seem to disturb my girlfriends & me's relationship.
while they dont have a serious one or else its more fun and me and my girlfriend are more serious about the future, work hard, and seem to get all the stress and disruption, when at first i was really positive about our ability to work through stuff.. because we were right together and special....
and i feel like for an anology....

Me and my girlfriend are swimming lengths in a pool working hard together.. and they are just splashing around by the side sending disruptive waves across... and my girlfriend doesnt seem to be bothered by them..
and im really trying hard to do the work with and for my girlfriend and for us because weenjoy swimming together.....

but all her sister and boyfriend do is splash.

Me and her sis have had problems before she got this "young" boyfriend & we have fluctuated between getting on and not getting on in between.

again her ex-husband blames her sister for them splitting up.
I can see why.
but my girlfriend says if she hadnt mentioned it..i wouldnt think that.
i dont thinks that true.

im younger than my girlfriend. shes just gone 34 and im 28.
her sister is 35/36 and her boyfriend is 18.

im shure she only got with him because me and my girlfriend got together.

im not shure what her sisters real feelings are.. if shes jealouse, or if she doesnt/does like me.. or what. at first she seemed to really like me... its hard to tell.

mabe after my girlfriend split with her husband they spent more sister time together & now she feels i took her away??
so thats what motivated her to go with this guy some? I dont know.

but her sis invites my lady out with "them" and rings her up to be with her when we are already doing stuff.. asks for lifts even if its going to disrupt our night/plan.

but her sister is always complaining if her plans get broken, or she wont go if its not conenient for her.

It has got a lot better in the last year.....
mabe i should say something mature and to the point to her sister and explain that her behaviour is out of order?

Anyways.... all this into acco

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul

I can see the situation you are in with the sister and sister's boyfriend.

First of all I'd like to say that he is very young and immature. If he is 'gloating' about the fact you are not invited to go to Amsterdam it is more than likely due to his immaturity and if you can really try to ignore this. You have the maturity and strength to rise above it, don't lower yourself to his level and react to any of his behaviour. What he does is not nice but just remember he is very young. Even someone much older might do the same thing if they are immature (I've seen it!) Try not to get involved in your mind with his faults and foibles and don't react to any provocation you feel coming from him. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking that his behaviour is affecting you. Let him get on with it, he is only showing himself up as an unhappy person.

The other thing I can see is that your girlfriends sister might be jealous of your relationship because she doesn't have that herself. If they don't discuss problems or work at their relationship it might suit them to have that kind of relationship but its not what you and your girlfriend want. At the same time she could be jealous that her sister has found someone like you. Sometimes when people have this kind of jealousy they might try to make it difficult for the couple wherever they can. This might be what's happening here.

I don't know if it is worth saying anything to your girlfriend's sister because she might not be very reasonable about it. Again, try to rise above it and as long as you and your girlfriend know that you are working at your relationship and making it strong and happy, then gradually other people who try to sabotage that will see their attempts aren't working and start to accept your relationship as it is.

Hope this helps.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul,

I've read your posts and what Im going to say does not mean that your relationship can not last, but needs to grow, whether you grow together or grow apart nobody can answer, but don't loose hope my relationship has been through many changes and many rough patches but you grow closer, you do have to be strong though and take chances along the way as if you split the love was not real anyway so although you would be hurt, better sooner than later.

This trip to Amsterdam is all about power I think, I agree from what you have said you should have been asked, my sister would know that even if she didn't get along with my partner, if a group outing was planned he would be invited.

You Lady has demonstrated this by being cocky when questioned about why you can't go, she is enjoying your hurt and it is out of order. I think this demonstrates that she has not learnt from the mistakes of her last marriage.

She hurts you further by not reacting when you suggest splitting up, Ive learnt from many years experience that only ever say things you intend to carry out. I personally think that if you split up this should mean time apart to reflect and think, not the relationship practically as it was without the hanky panky ( remember this is only a minute part of the relationship )

Many moons ago I did a similar thing by turning up at a nightclub when my partner had told me I couldn't go, it only served to make me feel like a fool, sitting their uninvited, to this day I wish I hadn't, I should have asked him why he felt he didn't want me there, delt with it and made alternative arrangements to go out with my friends.

I agree that the sisters boyfriend is probably just immature, at 18 he will have little knowlege of the respect which is required in a relationship ( talking in general, not all 18 year olds ).

The sister presents more of a problem, but she can't interfere with your relationship unless you let her.

Your statement that your girlfriend thinks you will argue is worrying it suggests that you may not be as happy as you are saying, think about this, why would you argue on a trip away, this should be a happy time, what would cause you to argue, these things need to be addressed.

I personally would set some ground rules in the relationship, me and my husband do this all the time, it doesn't mean that we don't ever argue but sets our boundaries to what we are happy with. For example :-

I am happy for my husband to have female friends, I am happy for him to text / phone them and vise versa, I am happy for him to see them in a group setting, I start to feel uncomfortable if he see's them alone.

Somebody else's boundaries may be very different to this but these are mine and my husband is very happy to keep to them.

You need to think about when you / and your lady start to feel uncomfortable and what boundaries you can set.

I hope my words are not too harse, wishing you lots of love, luck and happiness.

SaffronXX

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Both of you thankyou!!!

It hurst me to think that my girlfriend may be doing this to cause me pain or hurt.
it may be possible on some level.

It is deffinately about power.

But why would she spend time helping me out, buying me stuff, sharing, lending, interest in my work & hobbys with support and help.....
And also basicaly get along great.

I know she is somewhat fair weathered....
But if i contact her at a higher level when i really need her support she seems to be able to put the arguments aside.

I have had more talks today with her, and all was well....until back onto that amstardam subject. apparantly she has changed flight days.
Not that i would have turned up there uninvited anyways. that would indeed be senseless and id look a fool in amstardam playing a stalker role. or something like that.

How can she hug me so much when i do nive things..then be so mean horrid and exclude me after we split up... on her terms and i miss out on stuff that are important to me sometimes only by a day or week?

i try to figure out if its planned in some way... if she does it to "time me out". but ive rationalised it an in fact it does seem unfortunate the timing of our arguments. and i find mysef to blame for that timing.

after an arguments... shure we can see that if its a good night.. she would be risking another argument mabe asking me there...
But that causes further arguments.

Tonight she just didnt want to talk about it. avoided it.
until i rationalised what shw was saying back to her.

then she just told me that this is all because i made a big deal out of the whole thing. if i hadnt have.. i could have gone there.

But its her who makes a big deal by objecting. i think if she really would have wanted me there... there wouldnt have been and deal on eather side big or small. its crazy.

then she says i want my own way that is all. when she is adamantly wanting her own wat too. very hippocritical!!

anyways i was texting and my anger just turned into emotion and i ended up sending her some poems. they were very positive. i dont know where they came from.... they just came out....

In the poems i was asking for her higher self... to help us be happy... telling her she had the power and our relationship was in her hands... i asked her to help us both.. to make things right.....

Love eachother... ect, ect...
So no reply as yet.

My gut feeling tells me that in regards to her sister....
it used to be just a sister-sister trip to amasterdam.
my lady wasnt really enthusiastic about me going anyways...
and i guess i accepted a sister sister thing for it.
I dont thin her sister wanted me to go anyways back then.. she would be without boyfriend.

but my girlfriend doesnt seem as bothered when im not there.. she can go out without me.

But as soon as her sister got this boyfriend.. he is there in a click.

I actualy think that my girlfriend might not have been too happy about this, but cares about her sistter and didnt want to say "he cant come" in fact she wouldnt dream of it.

so..... her sis and boyfriend dont invite me "its then who booked it".
and its conviniently booked just before we are proper back together... though theres never any "official" time.. which irritates me with the timing of these things.
well..i say that but sometimes she does ask me if we are back together....

My girlfriend is a nice girl dont get me wrong.

anyways...
i just think her sis and boyfriend were and are inconsiderate and sly.

i dont think my girlfriend is as much to blame really....
But the negative vibes seem to have a hold.

When we are together without any interferance..we have arguments yes...... but those things are and have been easily fixable. repairable.

I think without the sister influence..... our relationship would have a good chance.... less than half the arguments and would be a lot more normal and make me feel that this is how it should be....
yes arguments now and again..... but the norm

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

She has gone.

We talked just before.

id like advise on what to do now.

I dont know if to call it off and get used to the idea of looking for someone else..

or to give her another chance, or give us another chance.

i was really upset & told her.

she seems to always put her feelings/life first if ever in conflict with my feelings.
even if she is a good girlfriend and supportive in other areas..

is this a reason to call it off for real this time, and move on?

should i keep her as a friend?

should i have accepted her descision and not been bothered about it?

is a relationship worth keeping if one person always has to bend?

she always seems to change, but its always next time. never when it counts at "the" time.

there are some things i want to do and she adamantly will never do them... like going to the solstice at stonehenge. even on my birthday.
she wont travel far. unless a holiday.

but will make effort if going with, or to visit friends.

again.. i need to know if this relationship is a worthwhile one.

is there any way at all to weigh up the good vs bad aspects and make a descision?

should i write up a list and try to assess it that way?
and also write down what changes i would like to see?
mabe get her to write one as well?

i need to be stronger. more serious and when we have time apart really be adamant we will not get back if she doesnt change.

thats how she does it with me.

but she seems carefree when i try to be firm with her.. she carries on as if she isnt bothered if we split, and we can be friends.. she now has started being supportive even, and sending hugs though.

But i feel that actions speak louder than words.
and she is more concerned about her

i feel the things i miss out on are always rare events.. and once they pass thats it.... thry are not things that can be replaced..like behaviour for example.

she may change in the future, but its costing what would be events that are important to me.

she never misses anything thats important to her.

i need guidance even if its to learn that im making all the mistakes and are out of line.

Se says I should change my flight to march and she says she doesnt want me to go there when its her friends birthday, she prefers us to go another time when its not an occasion so for me to get used to the place.
but i want to go to this party weekend & meet everyone.

sigh.

please .
what should i do?

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi geminisoul

I'm really sorry to hear this.

I have read through all your posts again and it is clear that not only are you not really happy with how this relationship is, it is having a negative effect on your happiness and emotional wellbeing. I know its very difficult to make the decision to end something you think might have the potential to be a successful relationship but as you said, how do you know when it is a worthwhile relationship.

Well, from what you have said, it seems that you are doing most of the accommodating in this relationship so there is an imbalance which, I can say from previous experience, isn't a good sign.

Also, the pattern of splitting up, getting back together, splitting up again is not good for either of you as there isn't the opportunity to build up confidence in your relationship or in where you stand with each other.

If you are still unsure, you could take a good honest look at how you feel overall in this relationship, as it stands now. If you find you are thinking a lot in terms of 'if only', then you aren't seeing it as it really is, you are looking at an illusion of what you would like it to be.

If you decide that its better for your own wellbeing not to be in this relationship, be brave and stick to it. You might be tempted into the old destructive pattern because it is familiar, but resist this otherwise you will find you are still going through all this for years to come, and you will have missed out on the chance of meeting someone who would value your company, love and caring much more than your girlfriend does.

As for keeping her as a friend, only you can decide really. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. You could try it and then decide it doesn't work for you or you might feel very comfortable in a friendship with her.

Above all, remember that you are responsible for your own happiness and the choices you make for yourself. Don't give that responsibility to someone else. Good luck.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thankyou.

Can you understand my need to get this out and talk about it?
i hope so. because its really hurting right now.

thankyou to everyone whos replied. it means a lot to me.

Im so angry and frustrated too.

I feel like she is using the mars venus stuff now to aviod the arguing but not solve the issue or resolve it.
and telling me not to go on about it was to just make things easy for her, and buy her some time.

she says im clingy when out with her!!!
that is absolutely not true!!! we both equaly enjoy hugs and holding hands. she is the most affectionate girl ive met.

when we go drinking i usualy just stand and talk, talk to other people or dance.
i do act sexy to her, like wink, pinch her bum ect.... but that is never all the time, and only to be sexy, and she seems to like it and respond well.

i just think she had an issue with a boyfriend being at this amaterdam thing altogether and she has made excuses.

she IS changing for the better, im not deluding myself.

she just even agreed to come to the stonehenge thing.

but what i need is not hugs, i needed to be accepted to the weekend thing.
she wasnt prepared to allow that.

what do you think this amstardam thing means to her?

her own friends never seem to want to stay out and party. so i can understand the people and friends in amstardam are different and kind of exciting.

she knows we rarely go out drinking and clubbing, and this is the best example of it. so why do you think she doesnt really want me there?

we never have any problems when we do go out together.

so why is this different?

Again, i dont think shes cheating on me, she only goes 2 times a year anyways.

but am i an embarrasment? im chilled out. & i can perfectly talk to new people fine. and dance good too. i dont need to be around her all the time at all.

do you think she needs some space to flirt and chat with guys and girls & let her hair down? and have no worries?

if so it not fair that her sisters boyfriend should be invited, or at least its humiliating me, when ours is supposed to be the serious relationship and the longest.

I just remember everything she does for me and i cant understand why she acts this way about the amsterdam people.

I know they are all about 30, but her sisters boyfriend is 18.

and he never dances anyways. i feel like i would appreciate the weekend a lot more and im being exclued and given excuses for something that i should be really in my element at.
not a hassle.

i think im going to have to go to the counciling at college. they give free counciling for things like relationships ect, ect.

do you think this is a good idea, and they will be able to support me and help me?

ive never been the one to end a relationship, and i feel weak for that.

though ive grown and learned and changed, i still cant let go.

i give the other person all the power, even tjough i have changed the usual balance a lot, and am very relaxed and grown up.....

once i get attached to someone i just dont want to loose them.

and this time we have a lot more in common and are a lot closer friends than ive ever been with anyone in my whole life.

that is why it hurts me so much when she does this to me.

I would give the world for her.

and she is concerned more about her image in amsterdam.

im going to go see about what the counciling offer on monday.
i do feel that i need help and support.

again, i cant thank you enough for your time and patience on this.
love.
gemini.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi! I think your girlfriend is pig-in-the-middle and I feel very sorry for her.
Perhaps she has always been this way and I think it's quite possible that her sister was partially responsible for the break-up of your girlfriends' marriage - especially if the poor girl was pig-in-the-middle there, too.
Sometimes, people seem to be drawn to stronger minded others who like to control - even if the controller doesn't recognise that trait in themself.
Forgive me, but my sister is a Gemini and a more loving, giving person you couldn't wish to meet - until someone doesn't do exactly as she wants - she doesn't scream, shout etc., but is completely baffled as to why that person won't play by her rules and, indeed, is hurt by it! Much as you seem to be.
Maybe your girlfriends' sister has been putting the screws on as well and your girlfriend is trying to appease everybody? After all, by comparison to family ties, your relationship is pretty tenuous?
I think here is where you step back - it's a few days out of how many? If you carry on like this you are only going to make both of you more miserable and screwed up. Relationships are not about control. If you think her sister is a control-freak, ask yourself if you really want to be like her?
I would agree that you (both) need to seek counselling/therapy - even if you don't continue with the relationship you both have - whilst you move forwards.
Hope this doesn't p**s you off too much.
Love Glenys

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

garthur,

your reply is welcomed, not shunned at all.

Thankyou for it.

you are right. she does feel like pig in the middle a bit.
mabe we need to continue to work at it, even if we dont end up together. mabe she needs these issues dealt with once and for all, no matter who her future partner is.

And i need to be more understanding too.
dont get me wrong.. i fight myself inside to realise that what seems rational and normal way to do things is not always how other see it, and also emotions can make us want to do things differently too.

its not our fault we seem to argue just before these important events.
ive already said that i accept that responsibility myself.
and the timing is bad luck.

but her sister need to realise that she has supposedly got this boyfriend so to give her a bit of distance from my girlfriend and our relationship.

not pull my girlfriend into her relationship and friends!
she keeps inviting my girlfriend out with them, and interupting our time together, when she is supposed to have her own boyfriend now, so she can give us time together.

I know that i was a bit nervouse about going to the dam.
and mabe when i was talking to her about wondering whether to go or not...
that made her nervouse too! and a bit reluctant.

i dont think she thought i really wanted to go when they booked it..
and my descision was a late development... especialy after i heard he was going too.

i could have handled the situation better, from the start mabe.
but why should i always have fault.

she should be able to understand why im feeling a certain way, and me to her too.
and still hold the openess to change her mind and acceptance through our discussions. not discuss while being closed off to it.

I know when i did mention first that she was suprised but said "really?" you want to go"? - with some optimism if not suprise in her voice.

from that point i should have just been very open and just told her how i felt, not been if, and butt and questioning about it.

shes showing commitment and love by offering for me to go in march, and also by saying she will go to the henge thing.

i know she loves me and cares, but we need to set out what is important to eachother in this relationship, and why.
also we need to prove to eachother we are going to change, by changing, not by just saying it.

actualy the sister thing has improved a hell of a lot since the beginning, as has me going out with her friends over here.
at first she was new to it as her ex, was not into that at all.

I enjoy her friends company, and also there is a lot of family gathering occasions that i like.

i just hope that she can be enthusiastic about doing stuff i like/want to go too.

she has a buisy job, works sundays some, and her weekend time is split to shopping with the girls, and me.

there has been some conflict over this.. but it has gone my way a lot in the last 6 months to where it was a better balance.

a bad thing was i lost my driving licence...so that put pressure on her to drive a lot. & me catch the bus.

when we had cars, we both took turns and even fought to drive.
recently she has drove a lot, but for a while she didnt like it. and wanted me to make an effort for public transport, which i did and do.

I even catch the bus to meet her in town, help her with the shopping at lidle, just to come back up to my house again. but i enjoy it.

still she has a lot of family and friend events that come first a lot.

she say i need more friends...

but if i did.... im finding it hard to belive that she would come out with me any my friends and it would make the situation harder or else give her some new prioritys to deal with. mabe thats what she needs?

her husband didnt do much, so shes been used to full commitment to her own friends, family and plans with no hint of anything else in her life.

I do need more friends and now im at college ive got a few.....

but if our family had a lotof occasions

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Maybe she's just a bit frightened of making another commitment at this time and wants to keep her options open?

If it helps, I have some idea of how you feel. My husband is much more of a "freespirit" than I am. He likes to socialise, etc. I, on the other hand, don't as much. I prefer family things and time with close friends.
My first husband had a personality disorder and I never knew what to expect when we went out together. He was also an alcoholic so it just got to the stage where I didn't go out with him. I had my own time.

I think I have some residual "fear" about all that even now. I avoid situations where I may have to mix with my (now) husbands' friends. One part of that is because they are friends from the time of his first marriage and not friends of "ours".

I remember, once, quite early in our "live-in" relationship when he had been invited to go to see his sister's ex-husband and do some work there for a few days. The invitation did not extend to me.....My god, we fought the peace out for a few weeks! He still went so I beggared off to my nephew's for a couple of days and ended up having quite a good time. Interestingly, his lordship was quite concerned about my welfare.....it was him calling me not me calling him. If you take my drift?
When I look back I realize that it wasn't that I particularly wanted to go with him but that I didn't want him to go.....I suppose I felt insecure and threatened because it was a part of his life I didn't know. Also, I was hurt and insulted by not being included.

Why am I going with this self-disclosure? I suppose, to let you know that I do empathise with your situation. There's only the two of you that can sort this.

Perhaps, when she goes to 'Dam you could get away for a couple of days too? Preferably not to Holland!! Could you stay at an old friend's house or have a couple of days somewhere warm? It may be all that's needed.

Good luck with it, anyway. Hope it all works out
Love
Glenys

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thanks glenys.

I can understand & I feel for your past situation too.

She has texted me and said that she will be back in no time & not to worry.

and the fact she said i could go in march is being optimistic, and open.

as well as her agreeing to go to the henge with me.

my girlfriend as i said works long hours, and weekends a lot too.
her girly mates arent really late night party people either.

so i think when she met these people in amstardam..it was people her age still having a laugh at 30 something, as if they were 20 something.

I think this appealed to her, as well as the laid back vibe there and talking to, meeting people in the cafe bars.
apparently over the people talk and go back to eachothers houses and there is much less focus or desires for "copping off" with eachother.
its much more socialy orientated.

She must like it.
& think that she was worried me being there might have put people off talking to her as much or something.

put really i went out this weekend myself, met a few aquaintances, talked to girls, ect, ect.... and had fun. I can talk to people fine.

I just think that she may have allowed me to go if i hadnt argued about it as much and contacted her more on her higher self to get through.
which is the best way when communicating.

what bothers me is that is was her friends birthday and i was invited.

now was my girlfriends priority her friends birthday and her friends having fun and people there? or was her priority herself and her own feelings in this? which it seemed to be.

Anyways.
she will be back tuesday.
we have a lot to discuss if this relationship is to continue.
there needs now to be changes on her part if it is to continue.

I feel attractive and a good person. and when i go out, now im older i can get talking to all the people and also girls i knew before i grew up a lot and changed.
they seem enthusiastic to talk to me, & im not afraid that if i loose her i will be alone.
but if i do move on, i now know that i must get to really know a woman before entering into a relationship.

I know what im looking for now.

when we are younger we just want a partner. sometimes we are sad if a girl just wants to be our friend only.

Now i realise that that is the "most important part of it all!"

there are many, many attractive people out there.
and i strongly feel that really getting on with someone, feeling fairness, appreciation, and enthusiasm can enhance the mutual feelings and attraction between 2 people just as much as sharing interests and passtimes.

im feeling brave and even if this relationship doesnt go anywhere....
Ive now learned what im looking for in the "right" relationship.

thankyou for your help.

all of you.
gemini. (hugs)

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

This is to geminisoul.How do you get the energy to write all that.By the time I get to the end of your story I forget what I read at the very biginning,you have left me wondering a bit.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Huh?

I just say how i feel.

(shrug).

Appologies if it was any inconvenience for you to have to read it all through. I dont mean to make it hard. I just am expressing my true feelings and thought on the matter.

We are supposed to be truthfull and communicate. its all about communication.
I dont really feel like im using any energy or anything.

What I really need right now are friends. Friends who I can go places and do stuff with. So to take the pressure from her having to accomodate for me all the time.

Anyways.
I really best stop now this thread is already too long.

Again
Sending prayers out for everyone.
Xxx

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Gem, never stop communicating! Even if it's only with yourself! Talking things out helps put them into perspective, as you know. Talking about things to someone you don't know can help in objectivity.

Keep on going!!
Love
Glen

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thanks. 🙂

(bowing)

got an appointemrnt to see college councilor on monday, because its effecting my college work. the guy i talked to was cool too. the actual councilor is a nice woman.. i hope she can help.

told my lady just how i feel via text todat. shes still there. wasnt happy. i dont think she can deal with the bad feelings she has.
and turns it into anger towards me.

anyways met a really nice girl at college. we are friends now.
its good to have friends i makes me happy at sad times even.

I also met a girl online the other day who strangely lives down the road.
she phoned me too. i think we will be friends. we are meeting this week.

right now i need all the friends i can get and it is happening!!

the i ching is bang on its no coincidence or wording.

the universe can hear us and we might not always know how it will answer our prayers..but it does in the best way it can.. and if we prey and are open and optimistic and patient... miracles happen!!

they do, and i dont know how but the world, the planet is alive and if we ask for help, a miracle, or some other wonder...... it does its best to make it happen as best it can in its own mysterious ways!!!

you know it!

Hurray to healthypages!!!

And hurray to the lifeforce!

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul

Glad to read that you are feeling much more positive, I think the key here is as you have mentioned friends,

all this splitting up and getting back together will do you no good,

I think that if you split up in the first months you can't be friends ( this doesn't mean you have to be at war ) , i think that you should have an emotional / physical distance until your wounds from the relationship are healed, it gives you a time to reflect.

Could it be that you are unhappy in other areas of your life, your girlfriend can not fill all the shoes, you seem to be making the right steps with college and new friendships.

I hope when your girlfriend returns you can make a go at it, but take it one step at a time, heal yourself, grow your confidence so that you know what behaviour you want from your lady.

Love, Luck and Happiness to you
SaffronXX