Being excluded at work

Sympathy 🙁

Thank you 🙂 One day the wind will change.

Thank you 🙂 One day the wind will change.

Hi mouse,
I have been also excluded from lunch for few years now, in different degrees, while lately it escalated and I feel quite hurt. Searched for information on the web, and realized that it's regarded as bullying at workplace. I also happened to see your message, and you described exactly what I feel in an accurate and sensitive way. I decided to leave work by the end of the year mainly because of that (but other reasons as well), even though it's not an easy step at all, and there is fear in the background. I believe that being in an accepting and pleasant atmosphere is very important, I'm just now realizing the value of it. The people in my workplace are too cold, analytical, shallow, without much emotions or soul. Even though my relationship with the co-workers is fine when we work together, in a deeper level, my personality and theirs just don't fit. I'm trying to adopt this healthy way of thinking, instead of assuming that something is wrong with who I am, or that I deserve to be rejected (but those thoughts sometimes appear...). I'm trying to be a nice person with good vibes, and I've gone through different emotional and spiritual processes in my life, while those guys at work are quite ignorant about their behaviours.
I would love to contact you, if it is possible. I'm new to this system and not sure how to send a personal message to another person...

Hi myInnerChild and welcome to HealthPages,

To contact someone privately, you would go to their profile, click the "Information" tab and then the "Start a conversation" link; or use the "Conversations" link at the top of the page.

However, as a new member, this functionality is disabled, until you come off your initial moderation period, which is after you've made a few acceptable posts and been here for a certain number of days (can't recall the exact details, but it will happen automatically)

Hi myInnerChild and welcome to HealthPages,

To contact someone privately, you would go to their profile, click the "Information" tab and then the "Start a conversation" link; or use the "Conversations" link at the top of the page.

However, as a new member, this functionality is disabled, until you come off your initial moderation period, which is after you've made a few acceptable posts and been here for a certain number of days (can't recall the exact details, but it will happen automatically)

Hi Energylz,
Thanks for the information.
I understand that it's a local English website, which is pretty cool, because I live in a different part of the globe. Seems that social exclusion at work is a universal problem, even in countries where people are considered as more polite than where I live :/ it was very enlightening to read this thread...hopefully the author of the original post will comment...

Just focus on you,focus on doing your work well.
There are alott of bullies in the world,and you need nothing to do with it them.
You can file a formal complaint if needs be too.
Walk tall,work on you,your self confidence.
Don't show them your tears appear string.

Just focus on you,focus on doing your work well.
There are alott of bullies in the world,and you need nothing to do with it them.
You can file a formal complaint if needs be too.
Walk tall,work on you,your selfc5 ar string.

Being ignored is not the same thing at all as being bullied. I realise that this is now an established situation i.e. at least of 5 years duration. Had I seen this post when it was first made I would have offered some advice.

I have been in work/office situations where I also felt I had nothing in common with the rest of them. I took responsibility therefore in contributing to their ignoring me (which suited me actually!) By mouse's own admission, she says she is quiet. Clearly she cares about being ignored. Communication is a 2 way street, i.e. it is not realistic to expect others to draw you out and include you (although kind, sensitive people would do so). The onus is on mouse to have been more interactive and, in a much later post, she said she tried to do this. I did not see any mention of how this went.

Yes it is a form of bullying

Yes it is a form of bullying

Bullying is about forcing someone to do something. At best I would call it passive intimidation.

We agree to disagree.intimidation is a form of bullying.

We agree to disagree.intimidation is a form of bullying.

That's true - a milder form of it on its own though, i.e. without trying to force someone to do something.

Only the weak
Are cruel
From the strong
Gentleness comes

Only the weak
Are cruel
From the strong
Gentleness comes

Where does that quote come from? Have you heard of cruel to be kind?

I do agree that being gentle, i.e. in the face of adversity, is indeed a strength.

Wallahey, I totally agree. The formal definition doesn't matter because emotionally being excluded feels like being bullied
Being exculded from work can also mean being less exposed to useful information that people pass between them, being excluded from mails and meetings, not being thought of when it comes to more important roles. The social very easily becomes a whole experience of not belonging and unimportance. In addition, when your own team exculdes you, sometimes you can't really join another team. It is not exactly like school that one can search for friends in another groups if rejected. There are organizations that are very much team based, so it's not the norm to join another team for lunch.

The outward bully
Became more inward.

It will always come back on them though,

You can always report them
At any point.

Or you could be patient,dustance,yourself
And focus intensely on your work.
Meanwhile work on your strength and confidence.

You can get through this
You are stronger than you think.
Stay strong
Walk tall
Think strong thoughts...

Wallahey, I totally agree. The formal definition doesn't matter because emotionally being excluded feels like being bullied
Being exculded from work can also mean being less exposed to useful information that people pass between them, being excluded from mails and meetings, not being thought of when it comes to more important roles. The social very easily becomes a whole experience of not belonging and unimportance. In addition, when your own team exculdes you, sometimes you can't really join another team. It is not exactly like school that one can search for friends in another groups if rejected. There are organizations that are very much team based, so it's not the norm to join another team for lunch.

I understand that your situation is very unpleasant and stressful. In determining to accurately depict the situation, i.e. questioning whether being ignored can be called bullying, I was in no way attempting to undermine what you are going through. How it feels and what it actually constitutes may not be one and the same thing and it may not even interest you to see it for what it might be. From your description it comes across as ostracisation - being excluded and prevented from participating in activities.

I am very familiar with this situation, as previously described in a post. I am used to being an outsider because of my non materialistic values (spiritual views). The difference between us is that I don't mind, i.e. would not want to be in the mix and participate but, of course, that is alienating and not a nurturing environment to be in.

I don't know how long you have been in this situation, i.e. how entrenched it is. I was wondering whether making the odd light quip (displaying your sense of humour) could be a way in - to being accepted? Is this something that appeals to you that you could try?

Hi Amy, thanks for your response. I can identify with your situation. I'm also spiritual in a materialistic enviroment and frequently feel like an outsider in different groups. What I really wish is to not care. I learnt over the years that I cant make them wanting to be my friend. They dont hate me at all, they just dont want a close friendship. I need to be a very good actor if I want to mix because we are way too different. I actually dont want to be fake in order to fit them, and I'm a bad actor actor anyways. I dont even appereciate them much. But I want to feel fine with the situation. Have you always been like that about not caring if included or not? or developed it over time? Do you have advice how to shift from caring to not caring? My parents educated me to always care about what other think. Its a deep imprint in my personality...not easy to deal with. I talked about the situation with one of the team who is more sensitive guy. I didn't feel weak, I felt strong that I'm not ashamed and ready to admit that I'm excluded. His response was positive. It actually helps to feel better. They started to invite me sometimes. Even if it is for being polite, it alleviates the bad feeling.

Hi Amy, thanks for your response. I can identify with your situation. I'm also spiritual in a materialistic enviroment and frequently feel like an outsider in different groups. What I really wish is to not care. I learnt over the years that I cant make them wanting to be my friend. They dont hate me at all, they just dont want a close friendship. I need to be a very good actor if I want to mix because we are way too different. I actually dont want to be fake in order to fit them, and I'm a bad actor actor anyways. I dont even appereciate them much. But I want to feel fine with the situation. Have you always been like that about not caring if included or not? or developed it over time? Do you have advice how to shift from caring to not caring? My parents educated me to always care about what other think. Its a deep imprint in my personality...not easy to deal with. I talked about the situation with one of the team who is more sensitive guy. I didn't feel weak, I felt strong that I'm not ashamed and ready to admit that I'm excluded. His response was positive. It actually helps to feel better. They started to invite me sometimes. Even if it is for being polite, it alleviates the bad feeling.

In the early days of starting work, I did care more about fitting in and being liked. However, as my self esteem grew this situation abated. I have grown more confident, happy with who I am and what I can do/achieve and so gaining the approval of work colleagues paled into insignificance. I became somewhat indifferent/neutral (rather than not caring) which cocooned me from the harsh reality of the situation.

You say you don't even appreciate them much and so I am wondering why you would even want them as friends. I guess it is about not being excluded, i.e. the need to be accepted more than any wish for closeness. I found that having a low opinion of their values helped me enormously into putting the situation into perspective.

Feel free to PM me if you think I could be of further help to you.

In the early days of starting work, I did care more about fitting in and being liked. However, as my self esteem grew this situation abated. I have grown more confident, happy with who I am and what I can do/achieve and so gaining the approval of work colleagues paled into insignificance. I became somewhat indifferent/neutral (rather than not caring) which cocooned me from the harsh reality of the situation.

You say you don't even appreciate them much and so I am wondering why you would even want them as friends. I guess it is about not being excluded, i.e. the need to be accepted more than any wish for closeness. I found that having a low opinion of their values helped me enormously into putting the situation into perspective.

Feel free to PM me if you think I could be of further help to you.

Hi Amy, it's good to hear that one can shift and become neutral about it. I'm processing the situation and hope that one day it will become a non issue if I fit in groups or not. Currently, there is an emotional pain about being ignored. I have been ignored by my father during childhood, and later have been ignored by people at school, children and teachers. It's an emotional trigger, like an open wound.
Rationally I understand that I don't even want to be their friend. They are closed minded people, without values. They are mainstream and materialistic, not much to learn from them. Even the opposite, being with them is being exposed to lower and dense energies. I feel bored by their small talk and subjects of interest. Maybe they even sense that the lack of interest is mutual, so I contribute to this exclusion. However, being in a situation where all people gather in groups and ask each other to eat lunch, while I'm the only one not being asked, it's painful. I actually love eating alone, I can restore energies and contemplate. But when I go to eat when I'm hurt from them, I just can't get those hurt feelings out of my mind, and the aloness reinforeces the hurt feelings. So you are right, the problem is only with the feelings of rejection. It's not about being friends with them, it's about the bad feeling that I'm excluded, that maybe I'm not good enough or deserve people's attention. I tried for few years to be friends with them in order to not being excluded...didn't work...and maybe it's good after all, because only this way I learn to be more confident and truthful to myself. I have always being different, I think very differently than the average person, and can expect that it would happen in other jobs and situations, while being neutral about it can set one free from this issue

Hi Amy, it's good to hear that one can shift and become neutral about it. I'm processing the situation and hope that one day it will become a non issue if I fit in groups or not. Currently, there is an emotional pain about being ignored. I have been ignored by my father during childhood, and later have been ignored by people at school, children and teachers. It's an emotional trigger, like an open wound.
Rationally I understand that I don't even want to be their friend. They are closed minded people, without values. They are mainstream and materialistic, not much to learn from them. Even the opposite, being with them is being exposed to lower and dense energies. I feel bored by their small talk and subjects of interest. Maybe they even sense that the lack of interest is mutual, so I contribute to this exclusion. However, being in a situation where all people gather in groups and ask each other to eat lunch, while I'm the only one not being asked, it's painful. I actually love eating alone, I can restore energies and contemplate. But when I go to eat when I'm hurt from them, I just can't get those hurt feelings out of my mind, and the aloness reinforeces the hurt feelings. So you are right, the problem is only with the feelings of rejection. It's not about being friends with them, it's about the bad feeling that I'm excluded, that maybe I'm not good enough or deserve people's attention. I tried for few years to be friends with them in order to not being excluded...didn't work...and maybe it's good after all, because only this way I learn to be more confident and truthful to myself. I have always being different, I think very differently than the average person, and can expect that it would happen in other jobs and situations, while being neutral about it can set one free from this issue

Although much of our situation is similar, I now understand why it is more difficult/painful for you being in this situation i.e. you describe it as being an emotional trigger going back to your childhood. I wonder if you have looked at the situation with being ignored by your father and tried to heal from it? That would be invaluable and change your current situation. Perhaps this is not the right time for you to tackle this though; it depends how much this ostracisation is affecting you.

If tackling the cause might appeal to you then there are many ways to do this - the obvious one being counselling but you could try some different methods yourself. One might be to write him a letter (not to send but imagine, whilst writing, that you will do so). In this letter, detail the situation of being ignored and pour out how this made you feel. Don't spare any thought or feeling since the object is for it to be cathartic. It is working if you feel lighter afterwards. Then take the letter outside and set fire to it (in a safe, non combustible place e.g. concrete) and, sincerely, ask to be released.....watch the ashes fly away. Another method is role play. If you can get a supportive friend to act as your father, telling them to use certain phrases/mindset that he would have, then talk to 'him' and say what you have been suppressing.

I wonder if you understand why your father ignored you. Was it personal i.e. do you feel it was deliberate or to do with his lifestyle/experiences at the time? Apart from being ignored, did you feel loved by him? (Not everyone is capable of love it would seem). Forgiveness is important as part of the healing process.

You do not mention what helped me solve this issue, i.e. bolstering my self esteem and I wonder if you have thought about this? How do you feel about yourself? Is your confidence good? Do you notice your virtues as much as your faults? Doing something that slightly stretches yourself can help improve self image, e.g. voluntary work in a field that interests you; this will also open up the door to mingling with those you might have more in common with to.

Lastly, rejoice in not being one of the herd! You are a free thinker.

You see the denseness of their energy and can rise free of it!

Although much of our situation is similar, I now understand why it is more difficult/painful for you being in this situation i.e. you describe it as being an emotional trigger going back to your childhood. I wonder if you have looked at the situation with being ignored by your father and tried to heal from it? That would be invaluable and change your current situation. Perhaps this is not the right time for you to tackle this though; it depends how much this ostracisation is affecting you.

If tackling the cause might appeal to you then there are many ways to do this - the obvious one being counselling but you could try some different methods yourself. One might be to write him a letter (not to send but imagine, whilst writing, that you will do so). In this letter, detail the situation of being ignored and pour out how this made you feel. Don't spare any thought or feeling since the object is for it to be cathartic. It is working if you feel lighter afterwards. Then take the letter outside and set fire to it (in a safe, non combustible place e.g. concrete) and, sincerely, ask to be released.....watch the ashes fly away. Another method is role play. If you can get a supportive friend to act as your father, telling them to use certain phrases/mindset that he would have, then talk to 'him' and say what you have been suppressing.

I wonder if you understand why your father ignored you. Was it personal i.e. do you feel it was deliberate or to do with his lifestyle/experiences at the time? Apart from being ignored, did you feel loved by him? (Not everyone is capable of love it would seem). Forgiveness is important as part of the healing process.

You do not mention what helped me solve this issue, i.e. bolstering my self esteem and I wonder if you have thought about this? How do you feel about yourself? Is your confidence good? Do you notice your virtues as much as your faults? Doing something that slightly stretches yourself can help improve self image, e.g. voluntary work in a field that interests you; this will also open up the door to mingling with those you might have more in common with to.

Lastly, rejoice in not being one of the herd! You are a free thinker.

You see the denseness of their energy and can rise free of it!

Hi Amy,
Great suggestions, thank you!
Yes, I have been rejected by my own family as a child. My brother and I have been in a constant fight as kids. My father used to ignore me in conversations, and my mother was pretty much passive. I never felt truly loved by my father. I felt that he didn't really want kids, and it was a burden for him. I assumed that it was my fault, that I was boring, not intelligent enough, or generally not good enough for his attention. Me and my brother as kids were not asked what we think or like to do. My father decided always according to his likes and dislikes. It was a feeling of unimportance, or being kind of a zombie. Surely not a child with his own opinions, needs, emotions. Up until the age of 16, I remembered trying really hard to feel part of the family when we were doing things toghether. Later this feeling continued with kids at school, a feeling that I'm different, never a part.
I really have no idea why my father didn't like to talk to me. During certain periods of times in his life he did, but now he also doesn't. He stays in his room when I come to visit, and it still hurts.
When I was young I felt also disrespect from him, like he doesn't appereciate me.
Do you have any idea why a father treat his child like this?
My possible answers - he doesn't like kids or qualified for parenthood, or he didn't like me in particular. Maybe some aspects of my personality bothered him. It's not easy to admit, but it can happen, that one has a kid and doesn't feel connection, love or appereciation towards him. I have just read an article in the newspaper of a father admitting thath parenthood is boring for him and he is bored to interact, doing things or talk with his child.
I'm going through an emotional therapy (with a good therapist), including letters, but it probably takes time to process all the pain.
It's a great idea to write a letter, focusing on him ignoring me. So I did it, and it felt good, a sense of relief.
My self confidence is not very stable. That's also because I was educated to trust others more than myself. So I still give too much significance to what others think (unfortunately...). I'm aware of my virtues, but it becomes flimsy when others degrade me. It's more emotional than rational, it's an automatic habit. Rationally I know that I have many virtues, and I worked really hard to develop myself spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. Sheeps in the herd are stressed from people who are open and think out of the box. They like to stay in the comfort zone, and don't want their narrow world to shake. But yes, I'm happy and blessed that I'm not part of the herd 🙂

Hi Amy,
Great suggestions, thank you!
Yes, I have been rejected by my own family as a child. My brother and I have been in a constant fight as kids. My father used to ignore me in conversations, and my mother was pretty much passive. I never felt truly loved by my father. I felt that he didn't really want kids, and it was a burden for him. I assumed that it was my fault, that I was boring, not intelligent enough, or generally not good enough for his attention. Me and my brother as kids were not asked what we think or like to do. My father decided always according to his likes and dislikes. It was a feeling of unimportance, or being kind of a zombie. Surely not a child with his own opinions, needs, emotions. Up until the age of 16, I remembered trying really hard to feel part of the family when we were doing things toghether. Later this feeling continued with kids at school, a feeling that I'm different, never a part.
I really have no idea why my father didn't like to talk to me. During certain periods of times in his life he did, but now he also doesn't. He stays in his room when I come to visit, and it still hurts.
When I was young I felt also disrespect from him, like he doesn't appereciate me.
Do you have any idea why a father treat his child like this?
My possible answers - he doesn't like kids or qualified for parenthood, or he didn't like me in particular. Maybe some aspects of my personality bothered him. It's not easy to admit, but it can happen, that one has a kid and doesn't feel connection, love or appereciation towards him. I have just read an article in the newspaper of a father admitting thath parenthood is boring for him and he is bored to interact, doing things or talk with his child.
I'm going through an emotional therapy (with a good therapist), including letters, but it probably takes time to process all the pain.
It's a great idea to write a letter, focusing on him ignoring me. So I did it, and it felt good, a sense of relief.
My self confidence is not very stable. That's also because I was educated to trust others more than myself. So I still give too much significance to what others think (unfortunately...). I'm aware of my virtues, but it becomes flimsy when others degrade me. It's more emotional than rational, it's an automatic habit. Rationally I know that I have many virtues, and I worked really hard to develop myself spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. Sheeps in the herd are stressed from people who are open and think out of the box. They like to stay in the comfort zone, and don't want their narrow world to shake. But yes, I'm happy and blessed that I'm not part of the herd 🙂

Interesting post. I was glad to read that you have a good therapist and that my idea of writing him a letter (not to send) was helpful.

Since you say that both yourself and your brother were not asked what you think or like to do (by your father) it doesn't sound like you were singled out (although children commonly take on the blame for a negative situation with their parent). Have you spoken to your brother about being ignored as a child? Does he feel the same way?

Was your father happy in his marriage? You say he used to talk to you and now doesn't .... so what changed at that time in his life? Gaining insight into his problems may well have the bonus of unchaining yourself from feeling you are the cause of the problem. What happens on Father's Day? My dad was not receptive/indifferent to gifts (either receiving or giving) and never showed affection although he could be entertaining.

You mention that your virtues become 'flimsy when others degrade me' and that this is an automatic habit. Habits can be undone. The next time you are degraded you could try observing what occurred. Of course it will make you feel down, unhappy but then ask yourself if you deserved that comment, i.e. reappraise it. Remind yourself of the virtues you describe that you worked hard for and try to see the situation for what it is.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Hi Amy,
Very nice quote of Eleanor Roosevelt.
My brother felt the same, even though I thought I was the one excluded. We never spoke directly about it, but it's a good idea to do it some day.
You are right about my father and his problems. He had problems, he was depressed and unsatisfied at many points of his life. I believe that being judgmental in general included being judgmental towards his children and giving us the feeling that we are not good enough for him. It may also be a limited view of the world, not valuing children who cannot contribute much intellectualy but can contribute emotionally. When one is blocked emotionally it's hard to appereciate children, and cynical people can think that innocence of children is a bad thing.
My father similar to yours has been indifferent to gifts, or maybe more indifferent to the act of giving and getting. However, if it is something practical for him, or if I chose the right gift, he is satisfied.
I like the idea of changing this automatic habit, I believe it is possible when one understands the value of having healthy self confidence.

Hi mouse,
I have been also excluded from lunch for few years now, in different degrees, while lately it escalated and I feel quite hurt. Searched for information on the web, and realized that it's regarded as bullying at workplace. I also happened to see your message, and you described exactly what I feel in an accurate and sensitive way. I decided to leave work by the end of the year mainly because of that (but other reasons as well), even though it's not an easy step at all, and there is fear in the background. I believe that being in an accepting and pleasant atmosphere is very important, I'm just now realizing the value of it. The people in my workplace are too cold, analytical, shallow, without much emotions or soul. Even though my relationship with the co-workers is fine when we work together, in a deeper level, my personality and theirs just don't fit. I'm trying to adopt this healthy way of thinking, instead of assuming that something is wrong with who I am, or that I deserve to be rejected (but those thoughts sometimes appear...). I'm trying to be a nice person with good vibes, and I've gone through different emotional and spiritual processes in my life, while those guys at work are quite ignorant about their behaviours.
I would love to contact you, if it is possible. I'm new to this system and not sure how to send a personal message to another person...

Hello,
I haven't been on this forum in a long time but decided to randomly log on as I was researching this same issue online! How is it going? Happy to be in contact 🙂 if you would still like to be. I am now having counselling to help with this problem.

Thought I'd put an update on here. I've been having counselling (just short term, through an employee assistance scheme) to help deal with the exclusion and bullying. The counsellor's aproach is more solution focused than delving back into your childhood/family relationships, although there has been a bit of that. I think it is helping a little. I am working on developing better self esteem and confidence myself - this bit is hard work but I feel it is important to stick at it. Sometimes I think I was meant to experience this to really understand how awful people can be, I was so naive!

Well, that's good positive progress. Let us know how it goes. 🙂

Quick update. The counselling went OK, the solution focused approach was an appropriate one for me. The best thing though is that I finally found the courage to speak up and say something about the bullying/difficulties I have had and I practically demanded that something be done about them at work! And it was. Things have shifted a little but the best thing was actually saying it. I have finally faced something I have been avoiding for years! Go me 🙂

Quick update. The counselling went OK, the solution focused approach was an appropriate one for me. The best thing though is that I finally found the courage to speak up and say something about the bullying/difficulties I have had and I practically demanded that something be done about them at work! And it was. Things have shifted a little but the best thing was actually saying it. I have finally faced something I have been avoiding for years! Go me 🙂

Wow! Well done! Result!!!

Quick update. The counselling went OK, the solution focused approach was an appropriate one for me. The best thing though is that I finally found the courage to speak up and say something about the bullying/difficulties I have had and I practically demanded that something be done about them at work! And it was. Things have shifted a little but the best thing was actually saying it. I have finally faced something I have been avoiding for years! Go me 🙂

Fantastic!

Quick update. The counselling went OK, the solution focused approach was an appropriate one for me. The best thing though is that I finally found the courage to speak up and say something about the bullying/difficulties I have had and I practically demanded that something be done about them at work! And it was. Things have shifted a little but the best thing was actually saying it. I have finally faced something I have been avoiding for years! Go me 🙂

Saw the message in two months delay 🙂 I'm glad that the counselling was helpful, and that you faced something you have been avoiding for years. Sounds like a big change!
For me working with a therapist helped as well. The problem has not been solved, but the effect of it reduced. If I'm not invited, I can feel hurt, but it doesn't lead to depression or inability to function, and I don't assume any longer that something is wrong with me. Sometimes people just don't fit together...and it's fine not to be popular in workplace, I'm not feeling ashamed about it as I used to so many years.