Hello all,
Can anyone help with this one?
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. He has a "problem" (well its a problem for me!) with sex.
He thinks he comes too quickly and this affects his confidence in the bedroom, although to me it was never a problem, it was never That quick! The only problem I have is now we hardly ever have this kind of intimacy. The last time was in June last year (2007) when we went on holiday.
I have never put him down or anything like that and if its over sooner rather than later then my feelings are that I would rather have that than nothing at all, it is the intimacy I miss, more than the "sex"
This is really affecting our relationship. We nearly broke up in November, but decided to give it one more go.
He will not see GP or go to Relate or anything like that, he says he "doesn't need a weather man to tell him when its raining" My point is, it would be nice if the weather man could tell us where the umbrellas are kept! (if that makes sense)
I feel so rejected and hurt and angry and let down... and a billion other negative things. Nothing changes whatever he says or promises, and with me feeling so negative we are in a vicious circle.
I feel like this is consuming me, I think about it god knows how many times throughout the day, worrying about it, wondering what I can do to change it, how I can help, whether its all hopeless, whether its worth going to Relate on my own to see if they can help me to find a way to cope with all these emotions and thoughts that are spinning around inside me ...
I love him dearly, and I don't want to loose him (I have told him this) but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I am 28 and he is 26 and I don't think its too much to ask to have a "proper" relationship, rather than this which is turning into less than a friendship, and I would rather, if possible, work through these issues than just give up.
But nothing I do or say seems to make any difference at all.
He wont really even talk to me about it, and if he does we just go over the same old ground and nothing changes.
There doesn't even seem to be much on the net about this problem, mostly it seems to be the other way round with the man wanting it and the woman not!
Constructive oppinions really appreciated.
Thanks x
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my first thought is the 'Sexuality' combination of Bush Flower Essences, which you will be able to order online from a UK distributor.
I think it would be a good diea for you both to take it .
You write that he is the one that is not very interested in sexual intimacy, but give it a try anyway..it may make him more likely to try it out, and it will address and shift any unconscious resistance /reluctance that you may have but be unwilling to acknowledge
tigress
Maybe try looking into Tantra or Karezza? - the focus there is on intimacy (in all forms) but not necessarily full sexual intercourse.
lots of luck and hugs bc xx
Hey there, I wanted to say hi as my OH and I have different levels of drive. I would be happy with once to say 3 times a week (I should be so lucky!!) but he by his own admission isnt sexually driven at all, which does leave me feeling very negative and lonely sometimes. Like you, sex isnt the issue, its the intimacy that comes with it.
But, just lately we have made an effort to once a week and I have noticed how much more confident I feel and generally happier within the relationship.
I personally don't think you actually need relate, if your OH could consider doing other things (without being graphic) or have a chat and explain what you need, and that cuddles, kisses and affection is what you need.
He is not meeting your needs at the moment, and I know he has his own problems but he needs to think about you in all this, as it sounds like you certainly think of him!
Good luck xxxx
I have found L'Arginine (spelling) and Ginseng to be of great help in this area. It works for me - perhaps he might be interested in trying some of this for a while to see if things improve?
I really feel for you I went through the same with my OH but now we are both too shattered 99 per cent of the time. As a consequence of finally managing to get together was the arrival of our son - instant passion killer!
I think now a lot of it was a confidence thing for me too I wanted to feel desirable and feminine and its not just the sex like you say but the just being intimate. If I feel its been long enough I try an offer he can't refuse like doing the lingerie thing but a lot of the time I find we are closer just spending quality time together sometimes just talking to each other with no interruptions and see where it leads.
To be honest I'd just try what people can suggest, relax and try and have some fun. Maybe if its so frustrating then relieving your frustrations yourself - not the same but may help.
Good Luck...
Indi
hello nikkg
I know how you feel I went through the same thing with my boyfriend you just need to hang in there and go back to basic.
spend time with each other were there is no sex involved, have 4 play but no sex, have candle lit bath together, give each other a massage and finish with just lying in bed and falling a sleep. if you feel you really cant talk to him about it or he don't want to talk. write him a letter on paper i know it's the old way but it works, tell him how you feel starting off with the positive thing you love about him and end with the not so positive but be true full an don't hold back your in this together so he should know how you feel. take the pressure off him and make sex fun. he needs to work on his pelvic floor muscle. when he fells himself orgasm get him to hold it for a count of 5. and if he Masturbating he can build on the time. I'm no expert I'm just telling you what work for me and my boyfriend. I really hope you get through this. good luck
Elaine
xx
Yes, try Tantra.
I wouldn't advice one to try to manipulate a guy to have sex though - if he doesn't feel like it, or his bio-chemistry is such that he can't do it, then accept that and let him be. Men are not like women, who can have sex at any time - some can, some can't, its to do with many physiological and emotional factors.
Yes, Arginine and Ginseng might help, also Tribulus Terrestis and Oats Extract. There are some Brazilian herbs that have a reputation of doing wonders, but I've not tried them yet!
For physical intimacy, you can just hug and cuddle, exchange non-sexual massages, etc. You can also look elsewhere for sex you know, if you need it!
What
What Brazillian herbs might those be and how does one find them???
Hi Nikki
I have pm'd you.
Simon
To me its all tied up with his emotions - and his own fears. Maybe he is inexperienced or has some emotional blockages. My gut feelings say he feels inferior, not good enough. Perhaps he has a negative view of sex. Perhaps he has some trauma regarding sex. Its all a state of mind. I would def start by asking him about his beliefs regarding sex Alter a belief and you change the reality, or indeed the reality you experience.
I suggest if it is emotional blockages, to get him to bring to the conscious mind his hurts and fears, write them down and burn them. Then bring in more positive thoughts/beliefs. remove reactions and replace them with AWARENESS.
good luck
Johric
xxx
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