My wife and I are in our 50's she has decided that she no longer wants sex or any love making. I love her and have never been unfaithful and have no intention of leaving but do I have to stay celibate for the rest of my life as well. :confused:
hi jamsie
your wife has been clear in expressing her needs, when she let you know this decision of hers, did you express getting your needs for intimacy met?
Have you been able to discuss with her the possibilty that another woman may be coming into the picture because of her decision?
From your post, it seems that fidelity has been a value of yours for many years.How would you feel if you went against this value?
I wonder what has prompted this decision from your wife, and if she would benefit from exploring it with eg a female EFT practitioner, to address any blocks/feeling she is unattractive etc.
It sounds like you do not wish to be celibate..but no-one here can tell you one way or the other.
I wonder if you booked a session with eg a male EFT practitioner, like Giles, who is on HP, it might remove any blocks in you that have manifested this life challenge
wishing you well
tigress
Hi jamsie,
That was quite a statement, made by your wife...............Have you tried romance ?...... candlelit meals for two,........ a walk on the beach.......just to sit and look at the stars, and just... chat.......
As we get older, we tend to take each other for granted. Sometimes we need to re-introduce that ' Magic ' back into our relationships.
just a thought
Oakapple xx
Hi Jamsie and a very warm welcome to HP, :wave:
Just a message to let you know that i have moved your post over to 'men's health' due to the nature of your query.:)
You do not have your Private messaging (PM) and email notification settings enabled, please may i ask you to activate these by following the instructions on this link:
Warmest wishes- calla lily x
Hiya Jamsie
welcome to Health pages. 🙂
Your wife has hit quite a blow there hasn't she, has she given you any speicific reason, or has she given any clues in her behaviour in other ways.
as Oakapple said, a little bit of romance could go a long way, let her feel woo'd and desireable again.
Do any of you have any health problems that could be contributing?
You might want to look in womens health section and look for any of the menopausal threads, to see if anything applies to your lady.
Hi Jamsie & welcome to HealthyPages, you mentioned that you'er both in your 50's so I assume you wife is post menopausal, when women reach this stage in their life their libido can go due to the lack of estrogen produced and the 'baby making' hormones arn't there kick start much passion, many women over come this by using HRT or natural hormone replacements, it's worth talking to your wife about your needs and tell her how much you need and would miss the intimate side of your marraige so she can seek some advise from her GP
Good luck
Love
Amy
xxx
Hi Jamsie,
You make it sound as if this was a sudden decision, but is that right? Was it something that has been a problem for a while? Did you see it coming?
Do you think this is a final decision, or possibly something that reflected a temporary mood?
And the obvious question (that everyone seems to have ignored!) is: did she previously enjoy sex? Clearly, it would make a difference if, for example, she had never enjoyed it - or, indeed, if she has recently gone off it.
And have you discussed it with her, putting to her the option that you might need to find sex elsewhere? If so, what was her reaction?
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a sex life when you are still in your 50s (seems quite youthful to me - these days!). Refusal to enjoy it with you sounds like a declaration of something deeper.
Could be due to number of things. maybe she got bored of it( same routine?) medical problem( dry inside therefore sore) sex drive v low maybe depressed?
try romancing like taking her out for meal, buy her flowers etc?
Tell her straight that you still love her like the intimacy and sex?
otherwise have to go solo and dont go for other ladies however much you are tempted as your wife will be hurt if she finds out.believe me the need subsides after a while.
hope it get sorted it out.
Amethystfairy
Definitely sounds like there is some sort of issue that needs dealing with. I would want to know why she has taken this decision. Sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. Good luck.
My wife and I are in our 50's she has decided that she no longer wants sex or any love making. I love her and have never been unfaithful and have no intention of leaving but do I have to stay celibate for the rest of my life as well. :confused:
Yes of course some people say that sex is an important part of marriage.
But IMO one of the most important parts of marriage is touch: That involves caressing and reassuring with words, looks, touch and understanding.
Sex is not only about intercourse or personal gratification. IMO it is more about the romance and the foreplay. I would recommend talking this through with your wife bearing in mind Amelia Jane’s post about the menopause. But always remember that love and understanding is a two-way thing.
As for do you have to stay celibate for the rest of your life as well. IMO if that is what it takes then yes you do.
Hi Jamsie!
The answer to your question is 'No'. Sex is a fundamental human need and one which you have every right to expect to be fulfilled.
Your wife does not appear to have given you an explanation as to why she no longer wants to make love. Has she said that she no longer wants a sex life per se or just not with you? Is she punishing you for something? Is she sympathetic to the dilemma she has left you with and the possible consequences? It sounds as though she feels she has stated her intention and expects you to just accept her decision.
You really do need to get some answers Jamsie. Whilst sex doesn't make a good marriage, a good sex life is an indicator of a healthy marriage.
=catmcd;415328]Hi Jamsie!
The answer to your question is 'No'. Sex is a fundamental human need and one which you have every right to expect to be fulfilled.
IMO the words "every right to expect to be fulfilled" can be very dangerous. I have heard those words in a rape case I was involved in.
Good point Healistic. Perhaps adding 'within a loving marriage/relationship' would have conveyed my meaning more clearly.
Have to say sex is important yes but can go without it I mean what about people who have never had sex eh?
myself not for years and the need went after about two years and am ok now just do other things like gardening shopping seeing friends. I am not going to have sex just because i havent had any for years! i have sort of given up on men as they expect sex early on like first or second date and i just drop them and i think some regret it tough i need to be romanced and treated with respect and then maybe sex come later on like one year after knowing eachother well.in marriage vows love each other for better for worse remember!
I got fed up with sex in later years of my marriage as it was samey, also the romance had gone and felt he was using me for gratification,he was selfish expected to be pleased but doesnt matter about me!! and I also had medication which made my go off it but my ex didnt understand it and would moan if he didnt get any ( you dont love me)that made it worse made me rebel and refuse him somtimes and then he went off with another lady! now he is with her still and married but she is not looking after him properly( health got worse etc long story)
this is how i feel so that you understand what some ladies feel.this is not a a personal attack at all.
Hope you get it sorted out anyway.
love and light,
Amethystfairy:)
Have to say sex is important yes but can go without it I mean what about people who have never had sex eh?
People can go without air, food and water - for a while. But sooner or later deprivation will have severe consequences...
Humans are relational beings: contact with others in mind, body and spirit is a fundamental need. Someone marooned alone on a desert island may physically survive, but eventually goes mad - literally.
So touch, sex and relationship are as important as air, food and water for the whole being. If you take a truly holistic view, how could it be otherwise? If you cut one part out of your life, in the matrix that is you something somewhere shrivels and dies. You may be able to cope with it, but it's no way to live.
People can go without air, food and water - for a while. But sooner or later deprivation will have severe consequences...
Humans are relational beings: contact with others in mind, body and spirit is a fundamental need. Someone marooned alone on a desert island may physically survive, but eventually goes mad - literally.
So touch, sex and relationship are as important as air, food and water for the whole being. If you take a truly holistic view, how could it be otherwise? If you cut one part out of your life, in the matrix that is you something somewhere shrivels and dies. You may be able to cope with it, but it's no way to live.
If you took out sex and added love then you could well be ok. IMO we need to remember that sexual intercourse is for pro-creation not personal gratification.
Whilst many enjoy sex for personal gratification some people find sex quite repugnant but go through the motions in a sense of duty to their partners.
This by itself could cause massive disruptions (shrivelling and dieing) in your matrix. Sex could be classed as just a drug that many have become addicted to.
Remember the power of love is infinite and you do not need sexual intercourse to show love.
If you took out sex and added love then you could well be ok. IMO we need to remember that sexual intercourse is for pro-creation not personal gratification.
Whilst many enjoy sex for personal gratification some people find sex quite repugnant but go through the motions in a sense of duty to their partners.
This by itself could cause massive disruptions (shrivelling and dieing) in your matrix. Sex could be classed as just a drug that many have become addicted to.
Remember the power of love is infinite and you do not need sexual intercourse to show love.
Well, I take a completely holistic view of people.
Only a tiny percentage of sexual intercourse is or ever has been consciously about procreation. It was normal pleasurable behaviour long before humans even knew that's how babies were made! It is only anti-flesh religions that have tried to persuade people otherwise.
Yes, people can be addicted to sex. So what? People can be addicted to anything. Addiction is fundamentally about the person's relationship with the world. It tells us nothing about the intrinsic nature of the substance beyond the obvious fact that humans may derive satisfaction from it. Cannabis, alcohol, gambling, sex, whatever - they are not intrinsically evil. But our relationship with them can be self-destructive.
Sex is one of the ways we can express love: the same goes for talking, listening, touching, looking. They are all ways in which the very fibre of our being searches to relate to others. We relate to people on so many levels and in so many ways: why do people make sex the odd one out, the special case that's a bit iffy? If the original poster has said his wife would no longer talk to him, how many of you would react differently? Think about it.
If people find sex repugnant because of trauma or upbringing, I would urge them to seek healing for that, because it is a wound to the fullness of their humanity.
Well, I take a completely holistic view of people.
IMHO if you take a completely holistic view of people you would not say that sexual intercourse is a necessity.
Only a tiny percentage of sexual intercourse is or ever has been consciously about procreation. It was normal behaviour long before humans even knew that's how babies were made! It is only anti-flesh religions that have tried to persuade people otherwise.
I would agree that it is pleasurable and normal. As for the comment anti-flesh religions I would love to have a link to them.
Yes, people can be addicted to sex. So what? People can be addicted to anything. Addiction is fundamentally about the person's relationship with the world. It tells us nothing about the intrinsic nature of the substance beyond the obvious fact that humans may derive satisfaction from it. Cannabis, alcohol, gambling, sex, whatever - they are not intrinsically evil. But our relationship with them can be self-destructive.
I have never said that sex is intrinsically evil.
Sex is one of the ways we can express love: the same goes for talking, listening, touching, looking. They are all ways in which the very fibre of our being searches to relate to others. We relate to people on so many levels and in so many ways: why do people make sex the odd one out, the special case that's a bit iffy? If the original poster has said his wife would no longer talk to him, how many of you would react differently? Think about it.
Of course it is but to suggest that there is no love without sex is IMHO incorrect. Has he ever considered why she may not talk to him about sex?
If people find sex repugnant because of trauma or upbringing, I would urge them to seek healing for that, because it is a wound to the fullness of their humanity.
There are many reasons why some people do not like or require sex. Of course some may well be trauma or upbringing, but that is not the whole picture. There are many reasons brought about by one or the others partner in a marriage. I always wonder why people do not spend time thinking "why"
Instead of just jumping into bed with another person just for "sex" IMHO that person really needs to seek the healing help you mentioned. Let us also not forget what you could be passing on to your partner if and when things get better.
IMHO if you take a completely holistic view of people you would not say that sexual intercourse is a necessity.
We'll have to agree to disagree! I can't see how anyone can claim to be holistic and not believe that sexual expression is vitally important.
I would agree that it is pleasurable and normal. As for the comment anti-flesh religions I would love to have a link to them.
Pick any major religion! In most of them true self is identified with soul or spirit, an essence that survives physical death, while the body and its appetites are regarded as the source of sin (Abrahamic religions) or at the very least the root of suffering (Buddhism).
I have never said that sex is intrinsically evil.
No, but your comment about people being addicted to sex implied that sex was therefore a bit suspect. I was merely pointing out that addicition is about people, not the thing they're addicted to.
Of course it is but to suggest that there is no love without sex is IMHO incorrect. Has he ever considered why she may not talk to him about sex?
Of course you can have love without sex. Different relationships involve different types of love. But several people seemed to be suggesting that a sexless marriage was no big deal, that sex wasn't fundamentally import to people. That's what I was objecting to.
There are many reasons why some people do not like or require sex. Of course some may well be trauma or upbringing, but that is not the whole picture. There are many reasons brought about by one or the others partner in a marriage. I always wonder why people do not spend time thinking "why"
Instead of just jumping into bed with another person just for "sex" IMHO that person really needs to seek the healing help you mentioned. Let us also not forget what you could be passing on to your partner if and when things get better.
I got the impression that his wife had just made an announcement and wasn't prepared to discuss it. She has unilaterally changed the ground rules of the relationship. I don't think anyone would be happy about that - whatever the issue. If she is prepared to discuss then they should do. If she isn't willing to talk, and doesn't change her mind, then he has a tough decision to make. I personally feel he has the right to have his sexual needs met - which was his original question. I'm not talking about instant gratification: certainly not implying that if a partner says "no" on one occasion then you just go elsewhere. But if any relationship is consistently not meeting your needs (in whatever way) then you need to reappraise your commitment to it.
I got the impression that his wife had just made an announcement and wasn't prepared to discuss it. She has unilaterally changed the ground rules of the relationship. I don't think anyone would be happy about that - whatever the issue. If she is prepared to discuss then they should do. If she isn't willing to talk, and doesn't change her mind, then he has a tough decision to make. I personally feel he has the right to have his sexual needs met - which was his original question. I'm not talking about instant gratification: certainly not implying that if a partner says "no" on one occasion then you just go elsewhere. But if any relationship is consistently not meeting your needs (in whatever way) then you need to reappraise your commitment to it.
Well we don't know the true fact do we, we only have one side of the situation. Perhaps for you it is ok for him to go and have sex with someone else, but not for me! so yes we will dissagree. I find it very hard as a person who believes in moral standards and vows that after a period of marriage that on the surface appears to have lasted for a long period of time is to be destroyed by just going and having sex with someone else. After all once you have taken that step then IMHO there is no going back.
We'll have to agree to disagree! I can't see how anyone can claim to be holistic and not believe that sexual expression is vitally important.
I Know and am holistic. I have practiced holistic therapies and counselling for many years and will always stand by my comment that:
Love is the foundation of all life and can heal most of life’s problems
Not that Sexual intercourse is a necessity of life
Jamsie,
I have had a number of male and female clients that have had similar experiences to you and I have either coached them on how to utilise hypnotic language and persuasion in their relationships to reconnect with their partners and all have had a marked improvement in their love lives without the need to be unfaithful.
Personally I just think that because of life experiences your wife has probably forgotten the reason she was attracted to you in the first place and that it is absolutely your responsibility to put some pazzaz back into your relationshipand remind her just why she used to find you irresistible.
All The Best,
Jason
Without knowing the full story, it sounds to me as tho' your wife is no longer 'turned on' by you as she maybe was when the relationship was young. Maybe you have become 'best friend' rather than lover? Women 's sex drive is very much linked to how attractive they feel and best friends don't usually make you feel desirable. Maybe it's about looking at your wife with new eyes, seeing her as a new and exciting challenge and then courting her accordingly? In a very 'no-pressure' way otherwise she'll think you're just after sex! Find ways to make her feel feminine and desirable. You have nothing to lose after all!
I think you both need a change of scene and a chance to relax before you decide how to move forward otherwise tensions will cause resentment. Does she still want you to stay together as a couple or is she hoping you will leave and then she will not have the guilt of the breakup? Intimacy is an important part of a relationship, does she just want you to "please yourself" now? She may not want to participate fully but might enjoy a mutual sensual massage. The important thing is to keep talking about both your needs without things getting hostile. Hope you both work it out.