What should I do?

RE: What should I do?

Oooohhh Nightbird, what a dilemma.

You are obviously a very caring and observant person.
I was wondering if there was any chance of you spending time with the little chap, yes you are his auntie but what about building a friend and confidante relationship. You could find out what is going on in the little chaps head, what his worries are and whether there is any real cause for concern.

Well done for speaking to your sister and as she is now aware of your fears, surely she would not want any harm to come to her son no matter how much she thinks of her new husband. She may see her sons treatment in a more critical light as you have voiced some concerns.

I had a member of the family who lived a couple of miles from my home, as a teenager, who I could go to and we'd talk about "things". I still think to this day that she was the best and truest friend that I have ever had. She accepted me as I was, no critisism ever, she unravvelled my teenage angst, never lost her patience with me, always listened patiently and caringly to my woes. It was not very often that she would tell me what to do, but when she did, I knew it must have been the right thing to do. I think if you look up "friend" in the dictionary it will say "Annes Granny".

It must be a difficult time for all i'm sure with a new father figure in the house
and things will be a bit stressed while there is a period of adjustment. It would be good if you could give your nephew some time so he could not only escape from what sounds like an austere time with his step father but a chance to talk to you, if hes so desires.

Do let me know how things go and what you decide to do, would be really interested to follow this one.

Love from
Honeybee[sm=sandrine.gif]

RE: What should I do?

Hi Gillian
The old problem "do I interfere or do I stay out". As a professional Counsellor it is the most difficult decision to make. I would not advise you either way but my thoughts are thus. If your Sister is too afraid to rock the cradle of her new life then whatever you do will only inflict damage on your relationship with her. If your nephew is too scared then by offereing another way of seeing it, it will only make him more resolved to attach more firmly to his Mother. The only thing you may be able to do is to offer a possible sanctury in the way of time for your Sister and her new Husband, having your nephew on nights over. So that they can develop the relationship and also by ofering your nephew nights over etc then he may be able in the long term see a different way of family being which will give him a balanced view of it. I really do feel for you and hope things turn out right.
Regards
Ian

RE: What should I do?

I was nearly tripping over myself, so to speak, to answer your post and then I found than 'honeybee' had literally written my answer for me. I can only reiterate all that she said. What a lucky lad your nephew is to have such a caring aunty like you. It's such a difficult situation to observe all this going on and not be able to change things, but like honeybee said you might not be able to do anything about his home life but you could offer yourself as a safe haven if he needs to get away or talk things through and to let him know he's a valuble person and not useless. I absolutely hate it when I hear someone call a child stupid. As far as I was concerned, when my children were growing up the words 'stupid' and 'thick' where not allowed, they were worse than swear words to me. I heard them too much myself when I was growing up and I know the damage they can do. Please let us know how things progress.

Good Luck

RE: What should I do?

Sorry have done the whole reply thing wrong again! They changed it and I haven't caught up yet...durrrrghhh. This is for Gill.

I haven't got much to add - except that it echoes my own childhood - and I am glad that he has got you around. Honeybee gives very good advice and I would agree with her and suggest that you try and give him somewhere to come and feel safe and loved.

It does worry me because I know myself that being put down and not being allowed to have an opinion is very damaging and confusing. I also know how it is to have a mother who doesn't intervene, but I can see that your sister is probably afraid of rocking the boat and losing the new relationship. You might be able to gently approach that subject in some round about way over a glass of wine or cup of tea in a way that she realises that she could be a bit more assertive and that you are there for her, without you actually saying that and causing a problem between you.

If I were him I would glad to have you around, especially at this age (I have got 12 year old twin boys so I know where you are coming from). They really are still babies in lots of ways and need lots of hugs and stuff....for a bit longer anyway.

You really can make a difference to his life, I am sure of it. And knowing that then you probably don't need to tear yourself apart about what you should and shouldn't do as you are already doing the greatest thing you can.

RE: What should I do?

Thank you all for such good advice. I appreciate it very much. Sorry for the delay in replying, but I'm computerless at home at the moment.

I am very pleased to say that I have a fantastic relationship with my nephew, I see him as often as I can and I know from his family care worker that he feels I am someone he can turn to for support. However, when I offer to have him over to stay with us, or even to take him for a day out I am always given a reason why he can't come (usually because has apparently been naughty and is being punished). His parents punish him by keeping him from me and my parents.

Although, saying that, events have sort of taken a turn and I was asked by my nephew yesterday to attend a meeting at his family care centre today - he wanted me there for support, so of course I attended. Without going into too much detail, the conclusion was that he wants to go and live with his dad, so he will be going there for a trial period as of next week. Fortunately I get on well with my ex-brother in law so I know I will still be able to see my nephew whenever I can.

My sister is devastated though and I wish there was something I could do to help her. I feel that she is just as much a victim in all this as he has been and I have asked her to promise me that she'll get some professional help. She really needs to get some of her self esteem and self confidence back and I just hope she takes my advice.

RE: What should I do?

Hi Nightbird,

Seems to me you didn't need any advice at all. You already had the childs trust and attention. I am so pleased that he will now be able to have you in his life and that he can relax and chill a little away from the possible cause of his anxiety.
I do however feel great sympathy for your sister, but we must remember that she is an adult and it is far easier for her to make decisions and changes if she so desires or realises that she is not where she wants to be.
It is virtually impossible for a child to do this, so although it may seem very tough on your sister, the child HAS to come first.

I do hope that things turn out for the best, for everyone, in the long run and thanks for the update as I have been thinking about both you and your nephew over the past few days.
Love from Honeybee[sm=sandrine.gif]

RE: What should I do?

I agree. Your sister is the adult and she is the one to steer things and put her son first. It is devasting for her but if he is unhappy in her home then it is best he lives with his dad and I am glad that it will be easier for you to see him. I hope he settles down quickly and that you have lots of lovely times together.:D

RE: What should I do?

Thanks Honeybee, I have to say I totally agree with you. My nephew's best interests are paramount here and I really hope that things work out for him with his dad but I made it very clear at the meeting today that there is always a place for him with my family, if necessary.

My sister knows how concerned I am about her and she knows I am with her 100% in whatever she decides to do and I can't really do anymore than that can I? Although she is older than me, I have been looking out for her since I was 8 years old and I suppose it's hard to break the habit of a lifetime. Perhaps if I'd let her stand on her own two feet a bit more as we were growing up she would be a stronger person now, but that is something we will never know. I have to let go and let her make her own choices now.

RE: What should I do?

Gillian

Your sister is so lucky to have someone so supportive as you. It must be hard, especially with your dad's illness. Hope this isn't having too much of an effect on your parents.

Lesley

RE: What should I do?

Hi Candie, we must have overlapped.

Unfortunately since my sister has been with her current husband she has never put my nephew first and to be honest I think he will be very happy that my nephew is going to live with his dad because that is what he has wanted for a very long time now.

I have told my sister that by letting her son go she is doing the right thing for him but I can't begin to imagine how she must feel. For the first five years of his life it was just the two of them and he was her whole world. She split with her first husband because she didn't want him to be brought up in a volatile situation and then went into an even worse one!

I just hope this will be the start of better things for all of them now.

RE: What should I do?

Hi Lesley - I'm overlapping left, right and centre tonight[&:]

I'll be honest with you, things have not been easy. I am actually seeing a counsellor myself to try and deal with everything but it's slow going. Unfortunately (thanks again to brother in law) my sister doesn't have the close relationship with our parents that she used to have. I have told my parents bits and pieces but I really don't want to worry them with it. I told my mum today that my nephew is going to live with his dad and I think she was relieved about it.

RE: What should I do?

Gillian

[sm=grouphug.gif][sm=grouphug.gif][sm=grouphug.gif][sm=grouphug.gif]

to all of you.

Lesley

RE: What should I do?

Hi again Nightbird,

I'm glad that you are seeing a counsellor, and you know what, it may be slow going, but slow is good. (you can ask my hubby about my slow roast lamb) It gives you time to reflect and think about all that has been discussed in between sessions.
Reading between the lines, and, I may be quite wrong here, do you feel that by seeing the counsellor it makes you in some way inadequate? I think it only cements the fact that you are a very caring and also extremely sensible woman. As the situation involves all of your family in some way, you cannot speak to them and get the objective outlook that a professional will give you.
I'm certain that as soon as you can start spending time with your nephew, you will feel great relief to the emotional strain that you have been enduring.

I know that we are all different religions on HP, but I will remember you in my prayers and next time I'm in church I will light a candle for you and ALL of your family.
Keep your chin up and keep smiling,
Lots of love Honeybee[sm=sandrine.gif]

RE: What should I do?

Dear Nightbird. You and I have an awful lot in common. You can email me privately if you wish to. I have been through exactly as you are going through with my own nephew and he was also twelve at the time. Take care.

RE: What should I do?

Lesley [sm=hug.gif] - thank you.

Hi Honeybee. I am not only seeing a Counsellor because of my sister situation, I'm also trying to deal with my dad's terminal illness and a family situation that happened a couple of years ago which I "buried" at the time and it's come back to haunt me with a vengeance! I suppose I'm just feeling completely emotionally drained and I don't know how to deal with things. I don't feel inadequate seeing a Counsellor because I know it's going to be so much help but I spend about 25 minutes of my half hour sessions crying and I feel so weak and stupid at the end of them. Thank you for your prayers and my chin is firmly up (at the moment!)

Candie, thank you. I will definitely take the time to PM you. I'm at work at the moment but will do when I have my break.

Thank you all for your support [sm=grouphug.gif]

RE: What should I do?

Hi Nightbird,

Shame you don't live closer as Candie and I intend to hit the town(Liverpool) on Thursday evening, you would be very welcome to join us and believe me, it would do you the world of good to escape and forget your worries for a few hours.

Did you know that apart from "slow", "crying" is good also as it is a release of allsorts of pent up and hidden things.

So it looks like things are heading in the right direction eh?

Love from Honeybee[sm=sandrine.gif]

RE: What should I do?

Hi Nightbird,

I feel for you and your nephew. It's good that you're seeing a counsellor. That will strengthen you. It's good that your nephew is moving to his dad. It will give him some relief. Your friendship is invaluable to him. You're a good auntie!

Your post touched a wound in me that's hard to heal.
Your sister has it coming, sooner or later. I know that from my own experience. I've been there. I sacrified my eldest son for a marriage that should never have taken place had it not been for the two children it gave me. It ended after 11 crappy years. This is a very long time ago but I still feel guilt about how I acted, or rather did not act, when my exhusband "teached" my son "respect". My son finally had to move in with my parents. I still find it hard to forgive myself. Men can come and go but but we have our children. They matter more than men.

I'm sorry to say I don't think the problems between your nephew and his stepfather will cease just beause the young one moves out. The key is your sister and it is she who has to deal with it. The best way for her is to strengthen herself, both physically and mentally. Building up a strong self-confidence will be an enormous help to her. I know that now. Wish I had had it back then.

Your part in this? First take care of yourself; be a good 'lioness'*. Then be there for your nephew and your sister when they come.

Love
Bee

* = A lioness eats first, otherwise she won't have strength to provide for her kittens. Similar: in an airplane you should put on the oxygen mask first, otherwise you can't help others 🙂

RE: What should I do?

Honeybee[sm=hug.gif] - yes, I'm gradually on the mend. Hope you enjoy your night out, I'll be thinking of you while I'm at work!!:(

Bee - I'm so sorry if my post has upset you but thank you so much for replying and sharing your experience. I hope you don't mind, but I would like to show my sister your post. It might jolt her into doing something if she can see that she's not the only person to go (or to have gone) through something like this. Although I am trying to do my best for her, I have no idea what she is going through because I've never been treated like she has by my own husband. I keep urging my sister to get some help because as much as I can talk to her and give her advice, I am so emotionally involved I can't be impartial so I don't think the advice I'm giving is particularly good.

I will do my very best for my sister if and when she needs me - she knows I am here for her no matter what.

Thank you again.

RE: What should I do?

I know I am late on this but had to reply. If there was an awared for being the most caring and understanding sister and aunt, it would go to you.

Will your sis go and visit her son? She needs to keep up a connection with him, it is so important for both of them in both the long and short term. I do fear that her husband will do all he can to stop her. He sounds like an awful bully and bullies are generally insecure. She has to learn to stant up for herself both for her own well being and for the sake of any relationship with her son.

Her now relationship with her husband does not sound a healthy one and this is giving a bad message to all three kids involved here. We learn relationships from our parents and as parents it is a duty to educate our kids in the best way possible. If she has a daughter what kind of messages is there been given to them?

All of you are in my prayers. God, you are a good person.

Jac
xxx

RE: What should I do?

Thanks Jac - I do my best:)

I hope my sister will keep in contact with her son, I'm pretty sure that she will. I have said to her that this will be a good time for her to build a few bridges with him and put their relationship back on track - without the interference of my brother in law although, like you, I worry that he will try to stop her from seeing him.

I was also worried that my nephew's dad would try to stop her from seeing him but I have spoken to him about it and he has said that he won't interfere but if my nephew doesn't want to see her then my ex-brother in law won't force him to, which I can also understand.

I think my sister knows that she is in a very damaging relationship for all of them, but she doesn't yet have the strength to walk away. With a bit of help and guidance I hope she'll eventually do what is right, and not leave it too late.

RE: What should I do?

Nightbird,

I did not get exactly upset, it was more a welcomed reminder. I know I have to deal with my guilt feelings and come to terms with myself. If I don't they will never go away. Actually, I'm surprised of myself that I aired this openly. Must be a sign I'm on the right path. So I thank you too! You're a truly good person.

It would be very good if my story could help someone else. One thing that's important - very important - is that your sister keeps a close contact with her son. She needs to be quite persistent on this. It doesn't really matter if her sons stays with his father as long as she keeps in contact regularly. Meet eye-to-eye, telephone, mail. Whatever it takes, just as long as the two of them have a close and warm relation. This will benefit them both in the long run. The boy will soon be in his teens with all that involves. He will need to feel his mother's love and support - ordinary parentship 🙂

Love
Bee

RE: What should I do?

Hi Bee

I hope with all my heart that my sister does try to continue working on her relationship with her son. I know her ex-husband is keen for them to stay in close contact because he doesn't speak to his own mother and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to Michael.

I'm feeling very torn down the middle at the moment. My sister doesn't know that I have been in contact with her ex-husband and I'm sure if she finds out she will think I'm "siding" with him - I'll rephrase that, her husband will convince her that I'm betraying her and taking her ex-husband's "side". There are no sides as far as I'm concerned, I just want it all to be sorted out and I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to say to her anymore - I'm worn out[sm=sad2.gif][sm=mecry.gif]